onward - 13

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I believe I am ok - I don't know for sure though.

I am concerned that I am not cut out for the change that I forced onto myself. That text message from the other day has spun me around a little. I ended up responding to her as I wrote and said that I didn't hate her. I do realize that this was not written with validation in mind, just my feelings. V - I wish I had written something like you did above.

I still feel like re-visiting this and sending her another message - one that validates her feelings more. I don't think that this would help anything. I still care that she is sad - and I know this is her doing, but I feel myself turning back to the old fix-it me. I need to check this.

I ran into STBX at a swim meet yesterday and I let just the sight of her change me. I did say hi to her when I walked by to the concession stand, but that was it, I grabbed some food and headed back up to the stands. I ran into her again after the meet and talked to her a very little about some logistical things and she left without saying anything. she seemed very sad. this saddened me for a while.

The kids went to their mother's for dinner tonight, when they got home s18 talked to me about how d15 is treating her mother. Not giving her much attention, not talking to her, being mean and having an attitude with their mom. S18 told me he felt bad for his mom and she had tears in her eyes when she was dealing with d15 and when they left. STBXW told d15 that she needs to go to a therapist.

This saddens me. S18 said that he would like me to help. I told him that there wasn't very much that I can do for their relation ship with their mom. Also, that D15 may have a lot of different feelings about this whole situation than he does. There may be a lot of feelings that she has that he doesn't. It is not my place to get in the middle of their relationship any more. and I apologized to him. He said that he understood, but I think he wished that would step in again.

I feel ok, but when I have any interaction with her, it changes me. I get sad and re-visit a lot of old feeling. So I avoid any contact with her. But when I dig deep into what I really am feeling, I think that there's some little corner of my mind that still wants it all back again. I wanted to tell S18 that tonight when he was talking to me , but I didn't. I didn't want to give him any false hope that I was going to try and get back together with her.

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Jelly - I owe you some answers from a week ago.
I splurged on dinner for nye and grilled some steak and boiled some crab legs. The kids really enjoyed it - so did I. I haven't made a dinner like that in a very long time (happier times).

Painting turned out really well. I worked really hard to get it all together by the time the kids came back on Wednesday night - I made it in time. They were so surprised and seem to really like everything. I have to wait on the second phase of this because I can't afford any new bedding or decorative items at this point, but in time. I really like doing house projects like this - doing this forced me to focus only on this for several days - I felt as if my troubles and sadness were erased for this time - perhaps diluted with paint fumes. I offer my painting services to the db community

I would love a break and to come have some beersies.

I have not ever lived in anything that I designed, but have thought much about what I'd want - I always say maybe someday to that.

Good song selection tonight. Might need a wonderwall. someone to save me from myself - is it you ?

I am very excited that my dear friend that I let down after bd is coming into town this week and asked if I wanted to get a coffee. I was so worried that she wouldn't talk to me any more and this relationship was another that I destroyed. This is the best news I could get abd I hope this works for us this week. This friendship is like gold to me.

peace&love
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