It's all a process Judy, but you're doing it. It helped me a lot to think of a timeline and that my W wasn't ready to come back at the moment. Granted she may never come back, but if she came back too early, we were doomed. We both need the time to grow and heal ourselves. Not just from our M, but from our whole lives.
You've already come so far and made so many positive changes on here. Keep focusing on you. HARD. Everyday can be a step in the quest to heal, grow, learn, and let go. You're doing it. You're going to keep doing it tomorrow. It's a lot, but I know you're up for it. Those of us who have parts of our past we're not proud of can make the most of this pain and turmoil and move WAY past where we ever thought we'd be in our M's.
I see that in you. Stay focused on all of the ways that your life is improving. It is, keep allowing it to.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I agree with PP on this. There is rarely a reason not to agree with PP.
This is a process and we all have degree's of readiness, we all have different places where we need to grow and deal.
We each have different issues and are different understandings of where they fit. This Dbin journey and our relationships and contact with our significant other offer us clues of where we have made ground and where we still have room to move.
You and I Ancaire, share many similar places of vulnerablity and places to heal. This is not a linear process and I find that I dip in and out of the various places as I gain insight.
I struggle daily seeing other people move through their stuff with what I think is ease. Daily I see people becoming their authentic selves, closer to happiness and freedom I so desparately want to feel.
But it is ridiculous notion to compare my journey to others. I feel learning this lesson is imperative as it is the key to detaching from our significant others too. Our journey is our own. Just as every person on the planet is moving through it. We can only bare witness to others jouneries. Celebrate their victories, empathatise with their pain, and hear their frustration and anger when they feel stuck. This all we have to offer each other and likely what we need to offer ourselves as we journey through this life.
Your progress is where you see and feel it. For people like us who have histories of never fully being acknowledged and seen. It is an unpracticed skill.
You are moving Ancaire, shift and growth is happening. Sometimes it is about noticing it.
BT - thank you. I'm such an over-achiever. I really want to get this right, and it frustrated me that so little of it is within my control. LOL I want to get an "A", and feel like I'm at a solid "D" - and for someone like me...ouch!
This made me LOL Ancaire, that you're getting a 'D'! You sound very similar to me. I can't stand it if things I do are less than what I deem to be perfect. Very difficult to handle when DBing!
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
Marathon. Slow down, pace yourself, conserve energy, keep it steady.
Never liked running myself, no wonder I find this hard
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
M - my dream is to leave the door cracked just enough, so that when H remembers who he is, he'll know he can come home. There can be no R right now. He's not himself, and I have too much healing to do. But one day? I'd like to be strong enough - because if he does wake up, he's going to need me to be. His actions now are the polar opposite of who he used to be. He's going to be carrying loads of regret and shame.
So, how to leave an open door? Right now, I'm slamming it in his face.
This is what I'm afraid of too Ancaire. That I will be unable to leave the door open the longer this goes on. Why can't they just wake up now and remember who they were?
Stop worrying about the future. If the door eventually closes, then it closes. You are not intentionally slamming it closed, you are doing what you need to do right now to survive. And not to be blunt, but you are a LONG way from H even thinking about that door, you are worrying about something that 1-might never happen, and 2- if it does, it will be a LONG time from now, and 3- you might want a deadbolt for that door if and when the time comes that you find him standing on your doorstep. And if he is a changed man by then, well then he can figure out how to get around that locked door.
Focus on today. And focus on yourself. Forget about the door.
Sorry to hijack Ancaire, but Jelly, is there a thread of yours I can peak in on? If no, would you mind leaving me an update on my own thread of where you're at and what you're working on?
I'd love to know.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I'm starting to get a bit suspicious, Jelly...you've been so very quiet. Are you doing all right? You're such a comfort and strength to me, that I forget you're still struggling, too. Please, please forgive me for that?
Just came by to say hello Ancaire. Thanks for the support this weekend. I found comfort in your sage advice. Have to go, I want to start my new codependency book. Be well
