We had a brief conversation yesterday morning about scheduling the closing on the refinancing of our house. H said go ahead and make it for this Friday. We had plans for the evening and at first H didn't want to close this Friday, but then said we could still keep our plans.

And then this!?WTF...

I'm baffled. Things have been going a long the last week, nothing really major happening, we have been getting along, etc., etc. and then bam..the thing is this feels more normal to me than the last week.

Yes, he is still in MLC, the past week was the calm in the storm and the tornado is in full force again..twirling.

All in all I slept pretty good last night, except for the coughing spells. Thought about what H said about him "wanting to go to OW when he was bombed" and him thinking it's his subconscious telling him this is where he is meant to be...Some thoughts came to mind. When H is "bombed" he:

get in fist fights with his friends
drive with no regard for the safety of others or himself
go to work the next day hungover to the point of sometimes still being intoxicated and put his coworkers at risk
calling his S20 and verbally abusing him
acting like a 4 year old when his S4 tells him to leave and then proceeds to take things out of his dresser and throw them in baskets all the while S4 is watching and telling his daddy not to leave
being mean and nasty to me
wants to go to OW
These all look pretty sad to me and dangerous..so his reasoning is flawed.

I was just so angry this morning, thinking of all the things I wanted to say to him, reprimand him for, not sad, but angry!

Had my christian radio station on this morning, once the anger passed, the sadness for my H came, the compassion, the sadness of my H, the depression, all hit me and I just feel sad for H. Sad that he can't see he is an alcoholic, sad that he's trying to find the answer in booze and OW.

I'm going to try my hardest to not say anything, to just act like it didn't happen, to let H lead.

It is a bright sunshiney day!!

Cathy