Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Hi Ancaire, thank you for helping me with this, I really appreciate it. I know I need a 2 x 4 with it!

Hello, IP - I see your struggle. Let's take a look at what's best for you and the kids.

1. He shouldn't get to come and go as he pleases. That's rude, and not very courteous of the children's needs.
2. Of course, the kids want to see dad every day - but that doesn't give you much time to yourself.
3. You shouldn't make yourself scarce in your own home.
4. I do know D parents who allow the NC parent to see the kids once a day, but that is a very unusual circumstance.
5. Coming round everyday does mean he's not missing them (let's take you out of the situation for now, so that we can make the best decision.)
6. Interfering with bedtimes is a BIG no-no. He knows better than that - or he should. If they're not getting enough sleep, it's bad for their health.

I really feel like you understand how I feel about this. I do feel like I don't matter at all and I just have to vanish into thin air when he comes round. Which is OK if it is for an hour but it isn't, it's almost every day for hours! Do I not get to have a life? A life with my children? It is basically meaning that I get to do all the tough stuff like getting them ready for school, helping with homework, bathing and getting them to bad and then I have to make myself scarce for all the good times in between!

Dad won't be living under the same roof; not until he wakes up or you decide you're tired of this. I know you can't fathom that right now, but you'll be surprised what time and GAL does for the way you view the situation.

You're right, I am struggling to accept this so much. It isn't what I want, it isn't what I want for my children. Ever. I don't want them to have to be shipped from one house to another several times a week like a parcel. They are not parcels they are people. I say this to everyone who talks to me about it - ask yourself if you'd want to have to stay in two different houses several times a week and keep chopping and changing who you're with. I know I wouldn't. I can't imagine anyone would. Yet this is the reality of what is inflicted on children when parents divorce. I hate the very idea of it and always have even before I found myself here. I think it is appalling for children to have to live like it. (Sorry, going off on a tangent here, I have always felt very strongly against this).

Let's try something like this:

[i]H, I've been doing a lot of thinking about our present circumstances. I want to do what's best for the children, for me, and for you.

The children go to bed at *. I feel it would be best for them to have as much of a regular schedule as can be, under the present circumstances. I could use some time for myself in the evenings, too. When you arrive late, and they stay up late, they are cranky and tired the following day. It's not good for them to have too little sleep, and I want to make decisions that are in their best interests.

Since you've decided to move out of the home, let's see how we do with a regular visiting schedule. You can come visit the children M, W, and F from * to *. If you are running late, and get here at their bedtime, please count on only having time to put them to bed and then you'll need to go home. You can come get the children and have them every other weekend.

I love this, thank you! Only problem being that because of H's shifts we cannot set a schedule as regular as this. He cannot even do every other weekend and there is no same day each week he can see them either, hence the current situation of him coming and going when he pleases He misses out on so much of their lives because of his shifts and I feel like I've almost brought them up single handedly to this point!

Expect a negative reaction. WAS never like it when the LBS begins putting up boundaries and enforcing them. The WAS is selfish, selfish, selfish - everything is all about them. Since H is out of his mind presently, you're going to have to look out for the kids' best interests.

That's really what you're doing. The fact that you get a couple of nights to yourself without hiding in your room is a bonus. You also need some time with the kids at night. He's basically taking up all the evening "hanging out" time.

Yes! He is, you are so right! I feel like he is getting the perfect deal here.

There is a best for the kids. The best situation, under the circumstances, is for them to have a regular schedule, and time with both parents. The situation is awful, I agree - but you have to make it as good for them as you can. He's just not capable of putting their interests first right now.

I know you're hurting, and not quite capable of seeing the big picture right now. Please let me help you see from the outside? I'll let you help me anytime you want.

I am more than willing to let you help me. I am so incredibly grateful for yours and everyone else's help on here. I would be lost without you! Thank you again!