Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Hi, IP! Okay. So, I have some thoughts...please don't think I'm being mean as I express them. Totally not my intent. I just want you to get through your pain so much and be the strong woman and mother I know you are.

Hi Ciluzen, I have to be totally honest, your post left me in floods of tears. I know you are right in what you have put and I know that you have done it with my best interests at heart. It is very painful to read though as it seems as though I have to accept that basically, my feelings don't count in this situation, to anyone but myself. I know I needed this 2x4 and I do thank you for caring enough to give it.

His wanting to see his children has nothing to do with how you feel or what YOU think he should do. He is their father and he is trying to still show them that he loves them and wants to be a part of their lives. This is COMMENDABLE.

Hadn't seen it like that, you are right, I'm too wrapped up in my pain and anger to think good of him I suppose.

but you are steering very close to using your children in an attempt to control your H. This is NOT about them. It is between you and H. YOU CAN NOT USE THEM TO CONTROL HOW HE FEELS. He left because he could not handle another second of pain in his R. No, he should not come home to work on his M. He needs the space. If you really love him, give him that gift.

This upset me the most. I absolutely do not want to use them as a tool in this and can see what you mean that I am almost doing so. It isn't my conscious intention. I guess I'm being guided by how I feel and thinking they feel the same.


2. When I've tentatively broached the subject with S11 his answer is that he wants to see Dad every day.

This is you talking about how you REALLY feel. It is very painful, you're right. But he needs to see the strong you, the cheerful, beautiful, fun you that he won't get to have if he stays away. I haven't heard you speak of what you have learned about why he left? Try to flip things around and see his POV. What became so painful to him that he couldn't stay in the house? Figure it out and try to base your 180's on it, if you are willing to change.

Despite what I put in my previous post I am being cheerful and upbeat when he comes round. I am making sure I look my best and I make jokes and am happy and playful with the children. I have made him laugh most visits. What I have learned about why he left...he doesn't love me anymore because, in his words, I have 'beaten' it out of him. Not literally, I have never touched him or beaten him. He means with words. I struggled for a long time to be receptive to him and not be angry with him after the discovery of him contacting OW again for several years behind my back. In his own way he tried to make it right but it wasn't the way I needed and by his own admission he gave up. We have also argued a lot about S11. H is very strict and we have disagreed about this a lot. He has also said I don't show an interest in what he has to say about his job. Since he has left, when he comes round I have done the following 180s: showed keen interest in everything he talks to me about and asked questions about his job, wished him a good shift whenever he leaves if he is going to work that day; stayed out of any times he's disciplined S11; shown love in the only way I can when he's sacked me as his wife, by making him feel welcome and attending to needs such as drinks/snacks.


[quote=Ciluzen]
Again, you are throwing his visits with his children into YOUR DB efforts. They are SEPARATE. His R with his kids is SEPARATE from the R between YOU and HIM. He has left YOU. Not THEM. He is showing you this every time he visits. It hurts. Use it. But don't use THEM. Leave their relationship alone. If you can't be cheerful and upbeat when he comes over, leave. Go for a bike ride. Go for a walk. Arrange to have him babysit and use his car to go do something fun. SHOW him you UNDERSTAND that he needs his space ...and his children.

This made me cry a lot too :/, especially the bit he has left YOU not THEM. You're right and it does hurt. It is excruciatingly painful. You say USE IT. How? What do you mean? How do I use it?

[quote=Ciluzen]
You don't have to do this. Set the boundaries; nicely with a smile and an explanation. Kiddos need their sleep. Deadbolt your door so he has to knock. If he shows up past his time, tell him at the door that he is late and that he will have to wait til tomorrow. You can do this. You are their mother and you are strong.

I am afraid to do this in case it angers him and hampers my DBing efforts.

I know it is hard on the children, but it seems that this is more about you and your pain, your hurt, and your anger at H leaving. It is a horrible thing to be discarded. It seems that we need to grab at ANYTHING to make them realize that they are wrong wrong wrong to leave. But what if they are right? What if they simply could not be around us, their loving S, for another second? Do we keep parading the children and their pain and confusion in front of them and say "STAY" or you'll hurt them forever? What if that's the only reason they come back to stay, and we, satisfied that he's back, NEVER CHANGE? The kids will grow up, and then they leave for good.
Leave the children out of it. Work on you. Solve the mystery. Go through the pain, not past it. DB. BE STRONG! Know there are those of us here who care enough for you that we want to see you bust this wide open.

I don't see how they can be right to leave rather than working on the M. I understand what you mean about what if that was the only reason they came back. I can see that. I do not intend to not change if he comes back though. I want him to come back so that I can show him I am changing/have changed/ will continue to be different and attentive. I want to build a happy M with him, not have him stay for the kids. However, the children are being hurt A LOT by this. My D7 is complaining of tummy aches all the time and saying she doesn't want to go to school (she loved school prior to H leaving) and she cannot get to sleep because she misses Daddy tucking her in. S11 is in tears every day and asks constantly why Daddy isn't coming home and is always asking H why.