Kyrie, I don't know what to suggest about your H. I don't know how depressed/ angry/ screwed up he is or if he is going to come out of it or not. I do not think him going to nudie bars is a good thing, and I'd be pissed too. But right now it doesn't matter because you are trying to rationalize and relate to someone who just is not rational right now. So it really doesn't matter what he is doing or saying at this point. I know it seems like it, especially when you just know you are right and he is wrong, but it really doesn't. He is going to do what he is going to do, just let go of the need to control him. Its his problem right now, all his.
What does matter, is that at a certain point you are going to crash either physically or mentally or both. You can't live on the receiving end of spew and anger and blame for an extended period of time and absorb all of this anger and "yuck" without it taking a toll. I was getting close to that point about a month ago. I wasn't sleeping, had jaw pain, had so much sadness just eating away at me all the time.
You need to find a way to protect yourself. Either drop the rope, get some space in your living situation, or both. For me, it was a few particularly bad episodes of spew/blame/anger and a look on H's face that made me wake up- I don't want to sound paranoid but that look scared me and was my wake up call to detach. As soon as I dropped that rope H's demeanor changed. He could -and did- say crazy hurtful things, and I honestly didn't have an emotional reaction. Not that I controlled my emotions, but I didn't have them. I was able to say to myself "wow, another example of how messed up H is right now, so sad for him" and on occasion even "He has a good point, I will work on that" but there was for me ZERO emotion connected to his spew anymore. Especially the crazy stuff. And once this happened, he stopped spewing, I'd say he cut down at least 80% . I feel better. I sleep better, my jaw stopped hurting, I am happier. Partly because he stopped, but mostly because I stopped. Give yourself permission to get off the rollercoaster. Your h is in crisis, but you don't need to be. Whatever he does, however wrong or crazy or immoral it is, it is HIS crisis, his problem.
I know you say he won't "let you" detach, if that is really true and he is that controlling, then maybe you need some space in your living situation. And I don't say this lightly. Think about it. I think its time for Kyrie to get out of crisis mode. Its H's decision if he is still in crisis or not, but you need to stop your part in this right now. Think about it Kyrie.
