Hello, IP - I see your struggle. Let's take a look at what's best for you and the kids.
1. He shouldn't get to come and go as he pleases. That's rude, and not very courteous of the children's needs. 2. Of course, the kids want to see dad every day - but that doesn't give you much time to yourself. 3. You shouldn't make yourself scarce in your own home. 4. I do know D parents who allow the NC parent to see the kids once a day, but that is a very unusual circumstance. 5. Coming round everyday does mean he's not missing them (let's take you out of the situation for now, so that we can make the best decision.) 6. Interfering with bedtimes is a BIG no-no. He knows better than that - or he should. If they're not getting enough sleep, it's bad for their health.
Dad won't be living under the same roof; not until he wakes up or you decide you're tired of this. I know you can't fathom that right now, but you'll be surprised what time and GAL does for the way you view the situation.
Let's try something like this:
H, I've been doing a lot of thinking about our present circumstances. I want to do what's best for the children, for me, and for you.
The children go to be at *. I feel it would be best for them to have as much of a regular schedule as can be, under the present circumstances. I could use some time for myself in the evenings, too. When you arrive late, and they stay up late, they are cranky and tired the following day. It's not good for them to have too little sleep, and I want to make decisions that are in their best interests.
Since you've decided to move out of the home, let's see how we do with a regular visiting schedule. You can come visit the children M, W, and F from * to *. If you are running late, and get here at their bedtime, please count on only having time to put them to bed and then you'll need to go home. You can come get the children and have them every other weekend.
This way, the kids will get used to a new routine, both you and I will have time in the evenings with the children, and you'll have a couple of nights during the week to yourself.
We can discuss any other times you'd like access to them that is not part of the schedule ahead of time. I'm more than willing to let you have access to the children. You and I both know that children do best with a regular routine. I know you love them and want the best for them, so let's start doing this and help them become accustomed to our new reality.
Expect a negative reaction. WAS never like it when the LBS begins putting up boundaries and enforcing them. The WAS is selfish, selfish, selfish - everything is all about them. Since H is out of his mind presently, you're going to have to look out for the kids' best interests.
That's really what you're doing. The fact that you get a couple of nights to yourself without hiding in your room is a bonus. You also need some time with the kids at night. He's basically taking up all the evening "hanging out" time.
Don't hide away in your room if you don't want to. You live there. I tend to take myself out of any room H is in, but that's because I don't want to see him. It doesn't bother me to go read for a bit, or play on the computer while he's here. He can entertain the kids while I get some time to myself.
There is a best for the kids. The best situation, under the circumstances, is for them to have a regular schedule, and time with both parents. The situation is awful, I agree - but you have to make it as good for them as you can. He's just not capable of putting their interests first right now.
I know you're hurting, and not quite capable of seeing the big picture right now. Please let me help you see from the outside? I'll let you help me anytime you want.
