Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[ciluzen]

Hi, IP! Okay. So, I have some thoughts...please don't think I'm being mean as I express them. Totally not my intent. I just want you to get through your pain so much and be the strong woman and mother I know you are.

There are so many conflicting thoughts I have about it:

1. Why should H get to walk away and then come and go as he pleases to see the kids. If he wants that with them then he should move back in and work on M.
His wanting to see his children has nothing to do with how you feel or what YOU think he should do. He is their father and he is trying to still show them that he loves them and wants to be a part of their lives. This is COMMENDABLE. He is their FATHER. Period. You can set boundaries that are more appropriate (times and days that he can come over, FI.)but you are steering very close to using your children in an attempt to control your H. This is NOT about them. It is between you and H. YOU CAN NOT USE THEM TO CONTROL HOW HE FEELS. He left because he could not handle another second of pain in his R. No, he should not come home to work on his M. He needs the space. If you really love him, give him that gift.


2. When I've tentatively broached the subject with S11 his answer is that he wants to see Dad every day.

Of course he does! That is his FATHER! But again, it has no bearing on the R between you and your H. It is hard on the children, but if you want to have H home you have to stop concentrating on how much it hurts them and work on YOU. Their father is making an effort to see them. Set some boundaries, but do not get in the way of this. If you constantly show that you feel it is hurting them, THAT is what will damage their R with their father, not his visiting and affecting how YOU feel. Be pleasant and upbeat and busy doing something else. Show how happy you are that HE CAME TO SEE THEM..

3. Every time he comes round I have to make myself scarce like I don't exist, in my own home. It upsets me to see H so loving with them and cold with me. Every time he comes round I get my hopes up that he will decide to come home.
This is you talking about how you REALLY feel. It is very painful, you're right. But he needs to see the strong you, the cheerful, beautiful, fun you that he won't get to have if he stays away. I haven't heard you speak of what you have learned about why he left? Try to flip things around and see his POV. What became so painful to him that he couldn't stay in the house? Figure it out and try to base your 180's on it, if you are willing to change. But, again, understand that your feelings about him being cold to you while visiting the kids are because it is your R is damaged and needs work, and your feelings about this should not affect his R with his kids.


4. I don't know any divorced parents where the parent that the children don't live with see the children every day. Therefore, this situation is not likely to continue if H does D me.
Please don't compare your R with anyone else's. You will never know what goes on behind closed doors. And you are not D yet. Cross that bridge when and if it comes. Don't worry about it now. Concentrate on DB.

5. Coming round every day means he isn't missing them or me as much as he could, which isn't likely to bring him home.
Again, you are throwing his visits with his children into YOUR DB efforts. They are SEPARATE. His R with his kids is SEPARATE from the R between YOU and HIM. He has left YOU. Not THEM. He is showing you this every time he visits. It hurts. Use it. But don't use THEM. Leave their relationship alone. If you can't be cheerful and upbeat when he comes over, leave. Go for a bike ride. Go for a walk. Arrange to have him babysit and use his car to go do something fun. SHOW him you UNDERSTAND that he needs his space ...and his children.

6. Yes, he is interfering with bedtimes. His visits are half hearted, he comes in and sits on his phone most of the time. He comes round at what he knows is there bedtime, so then I end up letting them stay up as he's only just arrived, then they're cranky the next day. He doesn't even stay to put them to bed: walks out as soon as I tell them it is time for bed.
You don't have to do this. Set the boundaries; nicely with a smile and an explanation. Kiddos need their sleep. Deadbolt your door so he has to knock. If he shows up past his time, tell him at the door that he is late and that he will have to wait til tomorrow. You can do this. You are their mother and you are strong.

I don't know the answer for you, but I would advise that you make sure to proceed with caution, check your motivation, and make sure what you're putting in place is best for the children.

I cannot decide what is best for them in this situation. Best for them is clearly to have their Dad living under the same roof but he's taken that away from them. I don't know if best for them now is to see him every day or see him a couple of times a week so they get used to how it would be once he has his own home etc. I feel like I hate him for putting me in this position where I have to decide between the devil and the deep blue sea. There is no best for them anymore thanks to him, it's gone Help!
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Now I would like you to substitute "me" for the word "them" in all of the bolded statements. I know it is hard on the children, but it seems that this is more about you and your pain, your hurt, and your anger at H leaving. It is a horrible thing to be discarded. It seems that we need to grab at ANYTHING to make them realize that they are wrong wrong wrong to leave. But what if they are right? What if they simply could not be around us, their loving S, for another second? Do we keep parading the children and their pain and confusion in front of them and say "STAY" or you'll hurt them forever? What if that's the only reason they come back to stay, and we, satisfied that he's back, NEVER CHANGE? The kids will grow up, and then they leave for good.
Leave the children out of it. Work on you. Solve the mystery. Go through the pain, not past it. DB. BE STRONG! Know there are those of us here who care enough for you that we want to see you bust this wide open.