Flight's Thread #2

[runn79r]

Hope this helps others, I have to say I’ve had my eyes opened.

I didn’t take on Sandi’s advice at first because it contradicted the advice of the BD coach. I’m actually quite disappointed that I spent the time and money following that path when I see now how it wasn’t going to help. No point being remorseful, down the road I may change my tune as there were a few positive morsels.

The DB coach advised to focus on the friendship, keep it a safe and secure place for my W so that when there was a hiccup with the W’s OM that she would see the value in me, to basically wait it out. The way I see it now the only benefit of that approach was that it did give her one last morsel of how good the friendship can be and how much she will be missing out on. It may have potentially overwrote the previous last taste of bitter fighting over the affair exposure.

But now I’ve taken Sandi’s advice and no longer let her eat cake. I’ve detached, laid down the rules (for both of us) and I’m focused purely on me. Co-parents only, not friends, business only. I’m good with moving on and would only have her back if there were drastic changes in her and considerable time. Continuing down the friendship path would only do exactly as described, it would allow her to stay in limbo with all her needs being met by two men and destroy me.
The big realization for me was that to be friends with her I had to swallow my pride and self-respect. How on earth can you work on being a better you if you are in a constant state of basically disrespecting yourself? Also, by being in proximity it left me open and vulnerable to the next hurt, and I never knew where the next punch was coming from (figuratively) so I was always unstable. Same premise for not snooping.

The effects of truly deciding to detach were immediate. I felt safer, truer to myself and more in control of my life. Like the other nice guys I was worried about her retaliation and running further to the OM. There was immediate retaliation, personal attacks and blame shifting that had not been present over the last few weeks. Funny how true colors come out when the selfish child no longer is getting what they want. Within a day she was pursuing me, constant messages, getting upset when I didn’t answer, wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. By not giving in, it threw her into a rage and again came the attacks on me, how I was handling things and what a jerk I was. Keeping my cool and being warm yet distant drives her nuts. It doesn’t validate her reasoning. She’s now withdrawn for a bit but I fully expect another wave of tests in the very near future. It’s much easier to handle when you know its coming and you’ve established clear boundaries and rules for yourself. The most important part is that I don’t care. I don’t delight in seeing her this way, I don’t look at it as a sign that this is the path to things improving, it is now irrelevant to me. It doesn’t mean I have written off the possibility of the marriage being renewed, I’m just living in the reality that right now it is no longer.

I’m not sure how one easily gets to the point of not trying to constantly read and interpret your S, but I do realize that I’m there now and that it is critical for yourself.

I certainly enjoy listening to “The Struts: Could Have Been Me” these days. Seems to resonate, maybe it will help others too.

Thanks Sandi, and everyone else for all you’ve done here.