Mutatio, I know exactly what you are feeling right now as I am in the same boat. Nothing has changed in our sitch's and they seem to only get worse for us. The hope we have/had for any improvement is dangerous because it brings what we should not have, expectations. If it helps at all, the gift I gave my w is still unopened and on the floor where the Christmas tree used to be. A constant reminder of my worth to her. You are not alone. Last night, I made a choice to start this process of DB'ing over. I can't undo what I've done to my marriage or undo any of the DB mistakes I've made. We all make them, especially as our sitch's drag on and change. I believe we struggle with the same issues here. The struggle between hope, expectations, and the reality of our relationships as they are right now. The truth is this. Our marriages are over, at least the old, unhealthy marriages we had. As hard as it is, we need to lose all expectations that our relationship with our W's will improve. We must improve ourselves. Our self respect. Our self worth. I just posted this on my thread and I'll share it with you. This site will not save our marriages. It can save us and give us the POSSIBILITY of saving our marriages in a better form than we had before. The only chance of that happening is not to be what our W's wanted us to be, but to just be the BEST of what we can be. Again, with no expectations. We will get through this somehow. Keep posting and be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Elly, That was so nice, it does help. This despair will not rule over me. I believe I am adjusting to my new normal. I am detaching myself from her.
NYGal, I can't agree with this statement, "And when we're not chosen, but someone else is, it's even worse.". I think they both stink. When your spouse picks someone over you at least they are deluded and selfish in desiring something the OP has to offer. In my case, my spouse would rather have nothing, nobody in her life. So nothing is better then me. To sit in a dark room and grow old alone is better then me. I am taking this personal. How can it not be?
Dday, thank you my friend. I do despair but I know it will pass. Just like all the other flavors of $hit this experience serves me. After I am served desert at this excrement smorgasbord I will pay the bill and never look back. It is hard to not become bitter and I won't. If one is not careful becoming bitter is an easy thing to do.
Sigh, I will now exercise and sweat the despair out. Thank you my friends for your support, don't worry about me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and nothing more.
I hope the exercise helped. Let's just get though this day.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Mu - I'm glad you're feeling better today. It strikes me that what is happening to you is just another level of acceptance. You said it yourself, when you said you were waiting on Santa Claus. You were hoping something would magically present itself, and the situation would begin to resolve. Now you've realized that's not going to happen.
In a way, this is good, M - although it hurts like crazy at the time. You are now aware she is not likely to change. Your feelings are just that...feelings of acceptance of the reality. Disappointed and sad.
Do you know what happens after this? You begin to change again. Change always causes something to shift. I believe once you work your way through the feelings you're now being enveloped by, you're going to climb upwards. You've got too positive a mind-set to stay in a hole for long.
I believe in you. I believe you're just experiencing a normal part of the process. D gave you some really good advice, too. Just hang on, and continue to vent here. You know all of us here care about you.
Thank you for your kind support dear Ancaire. I agree with your assessment of my current situation. I am okay. I will be back to my optimistic attitude soon. I working through it. Each setback is easier to adjust to and rebound from.
NYGal your hope is powerful. It did the trick, I am at peace with acceptance and understanding. I realized I was grasping and allow my ego to run wild. I am in balance once again. Not happy with the current state of affairs but accepting it.
Dday, I'm back on the diet. I am now only eating life not the other way around.
Mu, if there's anything I've learned on this journey, that there are stages to go through. Grief, despair, loneliness, anger, acceptance, and hope are all stages that will show up more than once.
V is right. Acknowledge them and move on. It's important to recognize them, say hello, but then let them go.
***hugs***
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Hi Elly, Hi V, thanks for posting. I am fine and feel good. I feel good about my wife and feel the same love for her but not so desperate. I think I adjusted my stance. I love her but not anxious about the outcome as much. I believe I made real progress in the last 36 hours. I will continue down this path. This is a journey not for the faint of heart.
First off, Free, I am sorry that I did not acknowledge your post before. I will catch up on your thread tonight, it sounds like we have the same journey. Thanks for the support.
Dday, a grow box. I have a chrome wire shelving unit on wheels. I put fluorescent lights on each shelf. I bought reflective foil and am going to put it on plywood. I cut pvc pile to use as a sleeve on shelving verticals to act as hinges. It will reflect all the light back on the plants. I need to finish by the end of February to start growing for the spring.
