Wow ciluzen- I'm happy for the shift you are experiencing. I know exactly what you mean with the ability to breathe again and the sense of feeling lighter. Take it in and soak it up, girlfriend! Oh my gosh, just a sense of internal "normalcy" is such a blessing!
Keep your personal development going- you got this!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Ciluzen - fantastic! I've just reached that place myself, though it took me a few months longer to get there.
I've just caught up on your thread, and am so pleased for you with the progress you're making. I am so happy you made your way to this forum! There is something about your thoughtful, insightful postings that really motivates me to do better. You really are a treasure.
I've always wanted to live where you do...just how many bedrooms does your home have?
I suspect that it was a combination of all of those things.
When you have let go things just unfold in their own time, the outcome becomes an irrelevance, it is this day that counts.
Anyone can consider the day in hand and get through that day. It is the past and the future that creates dread. Regret over the past and uncertainty about the future. Today is all you have. Each day the fresh new dawn cleanses the path, things are bright and fresh at dawn.
I recommend an early start one morning, rising before dawn to watch the sunext reach across the sky, or light the new day with clouded light diffuse but softening.
Walking bearfooted in contact with the earth, dew or snow. I do this often in my apple orchard, I love in when the snow it's my warm skin. It envigorates me, and sometimes I reach to the ocean in the cold water. At those moments nothing matters more than feeling alive.
I am more careful these days to water purple and an orange hat, at V's age and overweight the buff pj's would frighten the natives.
You have access to snow, to nature, to contrasts, I envy that interaction with the natural world. The gift of skiing freedom, it is beyond my pocket, and my poor knees. Enjoy feel the connection, no one should disease franchise you from the connection, not even a WH.
Be aware that once you let go, really let go and shift occurs, it wakes these waywards to anger. They know they are thwarted and they know change has happened. They lose control. That too is to be enjoyed you become the captain of your ship and the master of your destiny. The wayward loses influence. It is beyond their grasp, it creates anger born of frustration and a desire to return to go back to the status quo.
Do not be fooled, shift is shift, move forward, you can still stand but in a different place, facing forwards, living for today, as it is all you have.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Not sure what happened, but I suddenly feel as if a large part of the burden I've been carrying has lifted.
Was it the church sermon on forgiveness? Me removing all of H's pictures and possessions from my sight? My several small revelations while researching communication skills and how my lack of them affected my H? Each positive interaction with new friends at my meetup activities? My new attitude of letting things go, not trying to control everything around me?
I know I am growing rapidly as a person, but I am surprised by the actual "pop" that occurred in my mind Monday. And then all of my anger and jealousy was gone. Just vanished. I could actually breathe again. I felt lighter. I even expected the feeling to disappear by morning and it didn't. It still hasn't.
I still miss H. I still want him to come back to me. The NEED for him is quieter in my head. The thoughts of him are not encased in a shroud of despair...I am not encased in that shroud either.
I have things to do...for me. I look forward to growing the new friendships I am making, and thanking those people for the pleasure of their time and company. I am finding it easier now to think of new things to try, or maybe the fear of trying new things is leaving me. I know I can do them by myself, as well.
All of this is making it easier to wait and see if DB will have an effect. To be patient. Am I detached? Not yet. I think I understand the part I have played in making our R un-workable. I can and will change this part of me. The rest I realize I cannot control, so I have no desire to even try. I have let that go, along with the negative feelings. I don't know what is coming. I'm just going to take each day as it comes and work to fill it with things I want to do or work on. I don't know why the "pop" happened Monday. But life just got easier.
This was a lovely post to read Cilu,
It does my heart good to read this shift and letting go. Enjoy this feeling and sensation of lightness, you have done so much good work to get here.
You are an inspiration to me as I continue down my own road to freedom. I am a long way behind you, but happy you are leaving me bread crumbs to follow. Thank you.
Wow ciluzen- I'm happy for the shift you are experiencing. I know exactly what you mean with the ability to breathe again and the sense of feeling lighter. Take it in and soak it up, girlfriend! Oh my gosh, just a sense of internal "normalcy" is such a blessing!
Keep your personal development going- you got this!
Thank you, Feyth! Internal normalcy- I really like that. I'm not sure if I'm exactly there yet, but for now I'm at least a little more comfortable.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen - fantastic! I've just reached that place myself, though it took me a few months longer to get there.
I've just caught up on your thread, and am so pleased for you with the progress you're making. I am so happy you made your way to this forum! There is something about your thoughtful, insightful postings that really motivates me to do better. You really are a treasure.
I've always wanted to live where you do...just how many bedrooms does your home have?
LOL, Ancaire! I have 4 bedrooms. The lower half of our house we designed to be almost like an apartment, with the idea that we might have to take in a parent our two at some point.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I treasure reading your threads, as well as others'- they keep me motivated and allow me to learn from both mistakes and victories in the R game. The support here is important and I am so grateful to have found these boards.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I suspect that it was a combination of all of those things.
When you have let go things just unfold in their own time, the outcome becomes an irrelevance, it is this day that counts.
I dont think I have fully let go. I still have an outcome that is important to me to achieve. It may not happen, but it is my ultimate goal.
Anyone can consider the day in hand and get through that day. It is the past and the future that creates dread. Regret over the past and uncertainty about the future. Today is all you have. Each day the fresh new dawn cleanses the path, things are bright and fresh at dawn.
I have found that living in the moment and appreciating the good things and people has started to add to my positive outlook. Regrets, however, fuel my change. Worries about the future are the things I have truly let go of.
I recommend an early start one morning, rising before dawn to watch the sunext reach across the sky, or light the new day with clouded light diffuse but softening.
Walking bearfooted in contact with the earth, dew or snow. I do this often in my apple orchard, I love in when the snow it's my warm skin. It envigorates me, and sometimes I reach to the ocean in the cold water. At those moments nothing matters more than feeling alive.
I am more careful these days to water purple and an orange hat, at V's age and overweight the buff pj's would frighten the natives.
You have access to snow, to nature, to contrasts, I envy that interaction with the natural world. The gift of skiing freedom, it is beyond my pocket, and my poor knees. Enjoy feel the connection, no one should disease franchise you from the connection, not even a WH.
I am blessed to live in a beautiful place and, as an early riser, I watch the sun rise over the snowy mountains every day. I am grateful for the changing palette of pinks, purples,gold and peach that start each day. I enjoy the subtle changes in the air outside...smells of woodsmoke and fir, dry cold or moist and slightly warmer. I'm starting to enjoy my solitude a bit since I let go of future worries. So much to be grateful for in the moment.
Be aware that once you let go, really let go and shift occurs, it wakes these waywards to anger. They know they are thwarted and they know change has happened. They lose control. That too is to be enjoyed you become the captain of your ship and the master of your destiny. The wayward loses influence. It is beyond their grasp, it creates anger born of frustration and a desire to return to go back to the status quo.
I will keep my guard up, but I believe the anger was what H fueled his departure with. He created a story in his head and has expressed surprise along the way at my reactions to things he has said and done since his BD because they did not fit what he thought I would do. He had convinced himself that I would have jumped up and cheered, "Finally! Yay!" when he said we were done. He's gone back and forth between friendly and very sad. We'll see.
Do not be fooled, shift is shift, move forward, you can still stand but in a different place, facing forwards, living for today, as it is all you have.
V
Thank you for your support, insights, and advice. I love the way you express yourself!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
As always, your support is so welcome. I always look forward to hearing from you. YOU are an inspiration to ME.
So, I'm still in a good place. And the shift continues.
I've been busy with new potential friends, new business, work, and new books to read. Yesterday I was having a lazy morning and planning to ski when H called. I haven't had to set any boundaries other than "don't lie to me" (which he has followed even when I hate what I'm told) because he is overly respectful of invading my space, asking permission to do things at his own house.
He needed to clear a way to our shop to be able to access some things for his business. He was on his way over already, so I got dressed while on the phone and did hair and makeup...have to always look amazing, right? He came in to a cheerful, happy me who was busy doing laundry. He tossed out a greeting. He looked tired and sad and walked through the house before he came in to where I was and asked where I thought his snow boots might be. I retrieved them from downstairs where all his stuff now was and he said nothing. I didn't want him to assume anything so I finally said, "It was hard to be around all of your stuff knowing you weren't here" and then went back to cheerful. Walked outside with him, but left when he said he didn't need my help. Still sad looking and no eye contact.
He came in after a while to ask for help. Then we worked for a bit together, cracked a few jokes, and eye contact was made, more and more. At one point he was trying to warm his hands so I held mine out to him and he put his in mine,so I held them against my stomach to warm them. Long story short, when the job was done, his mood had lifted and he came inside, had coffee, and started talking. I listened. He vented a lot about office and focused on Bubbles especially. Was this for my benefit because of my past anger with her? I mostly let it go, but did tell him she has had a stressful time of it lately that might be affecting her mood. But mostly I just STFU or validated.
He left to ski and I went up later. I had a great time by myself and went in to the bar to eat lunch. Texted a new friend back and forth who was there. Ended up texting H telling him my burger was great (H had told me the bar food had improved). Next thing I knew he came in and sat by me and ate half my burger. Bought me a drink.
When I got up to leave, he offered to ride lift with me. Skied with me. Showed me the other lodge that he hangs at and where he parks. I tried to tell him goodbye and he stayed with me and skied till we had to go separately to get to our cars. I had a great time and showed it. Even pushed my interactions with other people (I usually just stood with him in the past).
Expectations? None. But we had a good time together doing an activity that until now, only he enjoyed. But (180 #1) now WE can enjoy TOGETHER. I never complained about anything (180 #2) because my attitude doesn't allow it. Look for the positive, see and appreciate beauty, or see another's POV. Positives. I was happy doing my activity ALONE... (180 #3) and he saw it. I interacted with the people around me that I didn't know and was CHARMING and personable to those who he knew who we made contact with (180 #4)instead of shrinking away due to my insecurities and low self esteem. I look good and am a fun person and I know it! I let HIM be HIM and just let him talk (180 #5)...so he shared with me. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know that I am getting happier with me. If H wants to hop on this ride with me, I'll be leaving him a space.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
As always, your support is so welcome. I always look forward to hearing from you. YOU are an inspiration to ME.
So, I'm still in a good place. And the shift continues.
I've been busy with new potential friends, new business, work, and new books to read. Yesterday I was having a lazy morning and planning to ski when H called. I haven't had to set any boundaries other than "don't lie to me" (which he has followed even when I hate what I'm told) because he is overly respectful of invading my space, asking permission to do things at his own house.
He needed to clear a way to our shop to be able to access some things for his business. He was on his way over already, so I got dressed while on the phone and did hair and makeup...have to always look amazing, right? He came in to a cheerful, happy me who was busy doing laundry. He tossed out a greeting. He looked tired and sad and walked through the house before he came in to where I was and asked where I thought his snow boots might be. I retrieved them from downstairs where all his stuff now was and he said nothing. I didn't want him to assume anything so I finally said, "It was hard to be around all of your stuff knowing you weren't here" and then went back to cheerful. Walked outside with him, but left when he said he didn't need my help. Still sad looking and no eye contact.
He came in after a while to ask for help. Then we worked for a bit together, cracked a few jokes, and eye contact was made, more and more. At one point he was trying to warm his hands so I held mine out to him and he put his in mine,so I held them against my stomach to warm them. Long story short, when the job was done, his mood had lifted and he came inside, had coffee, and started talking. I listened. He vented a lot about office and focused on Bubbles especially. Was this for my benefit because of my past anger with her? I mostly let it go, but did tell him she has had a stressful time of it lately that might be affecting her mood. But mostly I just STFU or validated.
He left to ski and I went up later. I had a great time by myself and went in to the bar to eat lunch. Texted a new friend back and forth who was there. Ended up texting H telling him my burger was great (H had told me the bar food had improved). Next thing I knew he came in and sat by me and ate half my burger. Bought me a drink.
When I got up to leave, he offered to ride lift with me. Skied with me. Showed me the other lodge that he hangs at and where he parks. I tried to tell him goodbye and he stayed with me and skied till we had to go separately to get to our cars. I had a great time and showed it. Even pushed my interactions with other people (I usually just stood with him in the past).
Expectations? None. But we had a good time together doing an activity that until now, only he enjoyed. But (180 #1) now WE can enjoy TOGETHER. I never complained about anything (180 #2) because my attitude doesn't allow it. Look for the positive, see and appreciate beauty, or see another's POV. Positives. I was happy doing my activity ALONE... (180 #3) and he saw it. I interacted with the people around me that I didn't know and was CHARMING and personable to those who he knew who we made contact with (180 #4)instead of shrinking away due to my insecurities and low self esteem. I look good and am a fun person and I know it! I let HIM be HIM and just let him talk (180 #5)...so he shared with me. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know that I am getting happier with me. If H wants to hop on this ride with me, I'll be leaving him a space.
WOW! Ciluzen! This is awesome! Not just the whole interaction with H and that he spent time with you, but your attitude and conficence too! I'm so pleased that you are feeling this way and can only hope that I get there too.
Ciluzen - you do a really good job of looking back over interactions and noting improvements and 180's. I suspect you're a naturally reflective person, but you make it seem so effortless and easy, that I'm inspired to more thinking and less acting.
This is an area of weakness for me. But I can see, just reading through your accounts, how very simple it can be. Thanks for sharing your interaction with us - believe it or not, I had lessons to be learned just reading what you did.
