Go for the list. None of us will ever be perfect.Noone is. Improve yourself for you. But be sure you want each change for you.
I.all strive to change with you.
How did ace test go
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Love the list Mu, I too already feel that you've got many of the C qualities already. You definitely display them here.
Do you journal? I've found that a great way to dump out frustrations, literally word for word for how I'm feeling and then I don't need to say the same things out loud. It's like releasing the pressure valve on a pot.
You're a great man already Mu, this new project of working on the lists is going to take you to even greater heights.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hey PP, good to see your words. As far as list C goes, yeah I talk the talk, it's another to walk the walk. I may have these qualities but I want them to be deeper. You know what I mean. I don't journal, I'm not a writer. I like to create. I write here and post because it's the only game in town. I use creating and building to vent the pot. I appreciate your support and I'll miss you while your on journey of self discovery. I miss you already.
Roiste, my ACE score is 5 and my resilience is 8. It seems right. I will reach for those qualities on my list, if I fall short I'm still better off then I am now. We'll work together and change. Mutatio is the latin word for change. We are golden my friend.
My hope is dissipating. I am left with an empty feeling. With this empty feeling I do not see how this marriage can be repaired. If this is how my wife feels how could she ever change her mind. There is nothing there.
We ate dinner together tonight, first time this week. I was quiet the whole meal. Towards the end my wife starts telling a story about work. I just sit there and listened, my kids commented, I couldn't. There was nothing there.
I thought when this marriage failed I would be going down fighting. Now I am not so sure, I feel dead inside. I always had hope she might come around and try one more time and because of my work on myself she would want to stay married. Now, I just do not see how that happens. I have been such a fool waiting for this woman to come around.
Mutatio, I may not know the whole story, but it sounds like maybe you're being a little hard on yourself tonight? It is a roller coaster of emotions, and I find that sometimes I assume worst case scenario and then it's not so bad. You're allowed to have an evening of no hope. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe in the morning you cook breakfast for the kids and W, and make it a fun time?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Mutatio - what are you doing? Rarely do I hear such abject despair from you. I know this situation has been going on far longer than you would like, but what is changing?
Is it you? If so, what is it, exactly? The length of time you've been dealing with this would cause anyone to want to give up - but up until now, that's never been your intention. What is changing? I am really concerned.
Mu, we all have moments of despair and doubt, but don't let them rule you.
Here's a poem I use frequently during these times:
When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
You've got this Mu. I have faith in you.
Huge hugs to you!
****hug****
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Thanks NYGal and Ancaire for responding. I feel better then I did last night but my perspective has changed. I used to have a childlike belief that my wife would come around and change her mind about me and the marriage. Like a child believes in Santa Claus will bring the presents on Christmas morning. After a full year of marriage struggling I have seen it get not one bit better.
Guess what kids, there is no Santa Claus, there is no magic moment when all this changes. How did I ever think that she would choose me? She locks herself in her room. She will not talk to me. She will not look me in the eye. She rejects my help on almost everything. She said she will not wear my Christmas gift earrings. She rejects me and all that I am.
So what has changed you asked, everything and nothing. Everything external has remained the same. Since the rejection of the earrings nothing is new, nothing has changed except me. I now feel like this will not end well. I don't see how it could. She is behaving in a way that has no regard for my feelings, none what so ever. I used to think she change her mind and I would forgive her and we would live happily ever after.
While typing this I just figured out whats eating at me. I am not sure I can forgive her what she is doing. She is really hurting me. I will continue to do the right thing by my wife and kids but if she chooses divorce she is choosing a life without me in any shape or form. That's all there is, there is no more.
Mu, I know exactly what you mean about Santa Claus. I've been holding on to the fantasy too, hoping that she would choose me. It's a horrible place to be, like we're sad puppies in the window. And when we're not chosen, but someone else is, it's even worse. About forgiveness. Yesterday was the first time I felt like I could not forgive her. I wrote a long letter to her that I'll never send, but I got out all my frustrations and anger, and it felt good to call her out for the narcissistic coward she is. Why would we wait for people like this? We're definitely better than that. Take the earrings back and return them to the store. Or give them away. Or throw them out the window. She doesn't deserve them.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Mu, I'm sorry that you are feeling such despair. There is no magic bullet, as we have all seen. The majority of the work that needs to be done now is on our WW, or WXW. But, there is still a life to live. Eat life, remember? Enjoy the kids. Do your own thing. Take the classes that interest you. Make the art that brings out your joy. Keep bettering yourself. YOU are worth it. Your family is too.
Forgiveness. I have battled that one in the past. Forgiveness is NOT for W. It's for you. If you don't, then you end up bitter. Not just towards W, it will influence everything in life. (That is part of the reason my M had issues, I couldn't forgive Foo issues.)
Emotions change. Stick to your plan. I hope you feel a bit better soon!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
