Quote: Thanks for making some good points here, I needed to hear them! I have decided that the threads that overwelm me, I must stay out of, they do bring me down and make it hard for me to work on my sitch!
Yep...I've been reading too many threads, too! Might need to take a break from the BB this weekend. Need to do something different.
I have to agree, sometimes we get too involved with others sitch. So now when I post it will be in my mind that what I'm posting may help someone else!
Quote: That's why it is very important to leave them alone as much as possible and do for yourself. It's hard when there are children involved, but you have to focus on you and your son at this time. There's nothing you can do for him, except listen and be supportive.
I think I'm getting what I need to do here. What I was doing when H wasn't living at home. Live my life, out of common courtesy give H the opportunity to join in and/or ask my H for dates. If he declines or has his own plans, don't take it personally and just go about my business. Give H first right of refusal of being with S when I do have plans with freinds, etc., but if H declines, check with family members or get sitter.
I think I was just awfulizing everything about MLC, thinking H would be the worse case scenario and maybe it caused my mood of the last few days.
I do feel my mood lightening as it gets closer to quitting time...TGIF...going to pick up a few movies maybe, have a beer, kick back and relax. I'm in the mood for a funny movie, I think the School of Rock is out on DVD, would love to see Starsky and Hutch, but will wait for that to come out on DVD...love Ben Stiller!
H hasn't called me yet either. Am wondering if his appointment went this long or if he just doesn't want to talk about it...I'll find out when I get home I guess.
Got home from work after picking S up, H wasn't here, no idea where he was as he hadn't called me all day. So I left a message on his voicemail saying S and I were going to my sister's for awhile.
We hung out at my sister's for awhile, get in my car and there's a message on my cellphone. It's from H he's at home and he's gathering some fishing stuff and he's fishing with his brother tomorrow morning. H didn't come out and say he was staying at his brothers, so I'm wondering if H is going to stay at OW's tonight and then go to brothers early in the morning.
My H has never stayed over at his brothers. H has always gotten up early to do his fishing and hunting.
I asked H how is appt. went he said he wouldn't have the results till next week some time. Other than that he didn't tell me anything about what he did all day or where he was which is fine.
Maybe I'm being paranoid here, but can't help but think he's staying at OW's
I asked him when he was going to back in the morning and he said he didn't know. I said I was golfing and he wanted to know who was watching our S. I said my sis, told H what time I was golfing at in the morning and H didn't know if he'd be back by then. Depended on whether the fish were biting.
No I know he's more than likely going fishing, but as far as where he is tonight or where he was today, that I don't know.
Is detaching not worrying as this is H's journey...I didn't ask nor did H say where he was staying tonight..so he hasn't lied about anything yet.
Quote: stage of depression that will eventually overtake the replay when the time comes. We do not know when that will occur.
When you say overtake replay, does this mean replay will get much worse, i.e., the drinking? Or will depression overtake replay where he will stop his replay behaviors?
I'm probably reading more into then necessary but I'm trying to understand what "overtake the replay" will mean.
Am I sensesless...lol....I just reread your post to me, just a after posting about tonight and detach, detach I guess is the answer. This is H's journey, he is at home with us and I believe he is here to stay.
I know he needs to bottom out, but am feeling it will be hell for me if I have to witness this happening. Just hope S isn't around if he blows at home.
And, in a way it's like God answered my prayers...I was really wishing for a night alone, some me time, time where I don't have to worry about where H is, if he's been drinking, what time he'll show up here and/or what kind of condition he's in so I guess I get a me evening. I have lot of reading to catch up on and praying.
I'll give you the whack you want. Seriously though, you can detach from your h and still care about him and all, just don't let him consume your every thought, or process different scenarios through your head, because those scenarios may never even happen. Detaching means show him kindness and compassion but let him come to you for things and you don't ask too many questions to push him away. Detaching means going out as you've done, spending time alone by yourself if you like, yet also not being rude or unkind to your h. As for the ow, put thoughts of her out of your head, she's not even important to your h if she's even in the picture.
When your h hits depression, replay will pretty much be behind him and depression will overtake his entire being.
I have to keep reminding myself that H did move back home. No matter what he says or the reasons he gives he came back here for a reason. Yes he's in MLC, replay, whatever, but I also think he knows OW is not the answer to his problems. That, like everyone here says, OW is a bandaid, and H is figuring that out for himself, slowly. It's not going to make it any easier on H if she keeps calling, pestering H. I beleive that H had feelings for her, has feelings for her and finds it hard to disconnect from OW and her antics.
I'm reading up on depression and it's making me look at H in a different light, it's helping me see the "man behind the mask" is the name of the book.
No golf this morning, it's too darn cold..well 42 so not as warm as it has been. S is going to my sister's and I'm going to shop or something.
Cathy, I am hoping that you are busy reading your new Bible or reflecting about the mass that you attended!! If not, well, I'm praying for you! Thinking about you, as always. Hope you are having a great rest of your weekend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Holdingon---bible on my list to do this week, didn’t make it to church yesterday. Still trying to figure out why I can always find something else to do.
Had a really good weekend. H fished all day Saturday, came home with one nice walleye big enough for all three of us to share. H insisted he wasn’t going to eat, that he was making it for S and I and that there wasn’t enough for all of us, said he wasn’t hungry. BUT, he did end up eating with us and there was plenty of fish and other things. In a way this sounds like a bible story doesn’t it?
H was up a lot during the night on Saturday, up before 7 on Sunday. Took a shower, got dressed like he was going somewhere. S got up and asked where H was going and H said what makes you think I’m going anywhere. I just kept thinking H was going somewhere, too. I made breakfast for us all, all helped clean up and then I got dressed to do the treadmill. I did that, came back upstairs with S and H had his shoes on and another shirt. So once again I thought he was going somewhere. I took a shower while H made some calls. When I was getting ready H said he was going to his hunting/fishing store and asked if I wanted to go. I said yes we’d come and finished getting ready.
We wandered around in the store for awhile, S and I did, H was buying fishing supplies. We then went to lunch and came home. H worked on his fishing tackle all afternoon. S wanted to practice casting his pole, but it was raining, so after about an hour of begging and pleading H finally said fine go out at and cast. We both thought S would be right back in, but he stayed out there for quite awhile and probably wouldn’t have stayed longer, but I told him he had to come in.
H and last night and said "are you just using me for the sex" I almost laughed out loud..we haven't in awhile, but there were reasons, and for him to say that is kind of funny. We're back in touch again, H at one point moved over by me during the night. H did a few "baby step" things this morning before he left for work, too.
I did notice that H’s shaving kit/over night kit (which was one of the few things he had left behind when he left her place a few weeks ago. She also insisted that H come and get it, she wouldn’t deliver it to him) was back in the bathroom closet Saturday afternoon. I hadn’t notice it earlier so am thinking he was at OW’s either Friday before he left to go to his brother’s or he stayed over at OW’s Friday night and then went to his brother’s early Saturday morning to fish. I didn’t say a word, wanted to a number of times. For every question I had about the bag, I had H’s answer in my head and every time I asked (in my head) it sounded accusing and that there could be a logical answer.
It is back in our house either way. Which means H won’t have to go to OW’s house again since there is nothing there of his anymore. Saturday night he wanted to , don’t ask me how I know, I just know, but it took me awhile to get to bed and he was asleep by then and I didn’t want to wake him. I was also waiting for him to initiate. So if he stayed at OW’s Friday night, I’m thinking why would he want to make love Saturday night.
I’m figuring out why I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately and it is because H is back home and I believe we ARE on our way to a better M/R. Yes it will still take time, yes the road will still be bumpy, but things are changing. AT least I FEEL that way. Nothing is comfortable yet either. I knew how to act when H wasn’t living with us and I could plan my week a little easier, my life was little more predictable whatever that means
Like right now, I'd be waiting for his Monday morning check in call and then we'd go through our Monday "convo" I'd be upset, H would feel things were okay...then he'd come over to see S and then he'd be back and, see there was routine there!!! Now it's day to day, getting used to each other again.
Seriously though, you can detach from your h and still care about him and all, just don't let him consume your every thought, or process different scenarios through your head, because those scenarios may never even happen. Detaching means show him kindness and compassion but let him come to you for things and you don't ask too many questions to push him away. Detaching means going out as you've done, spending time alone by yourself if you like, yet also not being rude or unkind to your h. As for the ow, put thoughts of her out of your head, she's not even important to your h if she's even in the picture.
Now it's day to day, getting used to each other again.