Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

This morning I woke up with strong feelings of wanting to continue holding on and hoping that I can get through to my W. I felt like our exchange the night before had really caused me to backslide in my process of detachment, but my heart and all of these feelings just have so much power over me. I feel like such a hopeless romantic who will just never give up...

While packing and getting ready to head out skiing with friends this morning, I was thinking a lot about that letter I had written to her the night before, which I had tucked away in my journal and decided not to share with her. I still really wanted to share it with her so badly. I felt it was really important for her to know how I felt, since it was such an important ingredient that might help her to see that she doesn't need to fear being honest. Not now and not ever. Perhaps it would help her. Maybe enough to save our M. But I wanted to detach, I didn't want to muddle things up anymore... I was so uncertain. Should I share the letter with her? I could just see the 2x4's coming at me again!

I was halfway out the door, ski gear in hand, when I caved. I didn't care. My heart was throbbing. I wanted to give her the letter for her own sake, regardless of whether or not it saved our M. I love her and I want her to heal and be free of her demons. Maybe our M cannot be saved, but I can still play the part that I was always meant to play in her life, to tell her my truth. To be a lighthouse that she might see through her fog. I went back, grabbed the letter, and gave it to her.

I had an awesome day skiing with friends, even made a few new ones. I forgot about her, found my way back to detachment, and came home feeling good about everything. When she saw me, we talked about some plans for tomorrow regarding our son. As I was walking away, she stopped me, thanked me for the very kind words in my letter, and said that there was much she wanted to say but didn't know how yet. She said it would have to wait until she had time to write a letter back to me.