They may feel fear, distress, anxiety, self-blame, guilt, anger, grief, confusion, worry, embarrassment, and hope for rescue.
To quell these intense emotions, they may use various coping strategies.
Children who do not blame themselves for the abuse and who develop helpful coping strategies (e.g., reaching out for help) may well have the best outcomes.
Between incidents Children may try to predict the next incident or believe that changing their behaviour might prevent another eruption of violence.
Unhealthy lessons children may learn from violence against their mothers violence and threats get you what you want a person has two choices - to be the aggressor or be the victim victims are to blame for violence when people hurt others, they do not get in trouble women are weak, helpless, incompetent, stupid, or violent anger causes violence or drinking causes violence people who love you can also hurt you anger should be suppressed because it can get out of control unhealthy, unequal relationships are normal or to be expected men are in charge and get to control women's lives women don't have the right to be treated with respect
Elena Cohen & Barbara Walthall (2003). Silent Realities: Supporting Young Children and their Families who Experience Violence. Washington, DC: National Child Welfare Resource Center for Family-center
In the chapters of your life, there has always been blaming of yourself, not just for your own actions but for those from your childhood. The influence of that abuse from your childhood has been subversive and quite dark. Leading you to medicate with alcohol at one point.
Have you discussed this influence with an IC? Examined it to understand how it has affected you?
I know until very recently I hadn't really thought about my own childhood influences much. Really hadn't considered the factors surrounding it. I didn't really have a childhood, I was an adult in a child's body. There was no abuse as in your case, no violence or anger, no proper parenting either.
I once asked glam sis what it was like after I had left home. She said "chaos", there was no structure or heart left, she and little sis just got by and in their turn left home as soon as they could. Benign neglect. Little sis deeply resented me leaving and not taking her with me, apparently she wanted to go with me when I left. Glam sis said they often talked of coming to find me and asking to stay. Glam sis says that little sis deeply resents me for leaving her, we are not close little sis and I.
This has influenced you greatly Mutatio, perhaps you could trace those influences. As a child you were not to blame and yet you did blame yourself. You shouldered the responsibility.
Did your mother ever take action to stop this? She had four children with a man who was destructive. Was that something from her own background?
How do you feel about her?
Did you protect your sisters?
I can read from some of the things you write that you got angry and defiant oppositional behaviour with your father. Of the four Fs of childhood abuse, Fight (anger), Flight (fear), Freeze (numb) and Fawn (apease) then initially you seemed to choose the fight response then turned it inwards. This is deep shame, although there is nothing to be ashamed of.
These were adults in that drama.
I have found it very difficult to find a therapist specialising in this type of childhood FOO and most of them here in the UK deal with children. Largely I have been forced to "get on with it" for lack of resource. Did you ever get help? Was there intervention by schools or authorities?
Was your mother hospitalised?
Pink discussed her father with me once and her oppositional defiance, how her mother eventually broke away. Her route to freedom and I am considering how similar your reactions are to hers. The fight response, taking responsibility and finding yourself blaming your actions on yourself. Know this you were a child and none of this is your issue. Just as the behaviour of my parents and their irresponsibility is none of mine.
As a young adult I read the book My family and other animals by Gerald Durrell and I was struck by his mother's lack of responsibility. Little seeing the parallels to my own life.
That precious little boy of 10, did what he could to be safe. He stood up to his father, he defied him from that point. I have notes on the things you have said. You were quite open with your defiance. He has nothing to regret or blame himself for.
Can you forgive him, can you look at a picture of that wonderful child ano feel proud of him?
I took a picture of myself at a similar age, a studious little girl with glasses and unkempt frizzy hair. Later she had bad acne as well. I just simply gazed at her image and knew I loved her she had done well for others. She had survived her childhood. She was strong but without boundaries. She appeased the adults around her by filling the gap. I remember once an adult family issue occurring and I resolved it by insisting the adults get around the table and discuss the matter. They did and I brokered the peace. I was 13 years old.
Have you a photograph of yourself, can you relate to that child? Can you go back and protect him? If you had been you as you are now, what would you have done for that child to protect him? What actions would you have taken?
There is no doubt I would have said to my younger self, be a child, here is space for you to play and to be with friends. Go out have the life of a child, life is for living and enjoying. There will be time for work and responsibility. If another lays their burdens on you, hand them back. Their circus, their monkeys. I would not have carried the burden of a WH who gambled drank and womaniser. Blaming me for his actions. All of this is meant to teach me. That is why I was drawn to Di story so much I think. She accumulated, hoarded others responsibilities, with a H who spent his days as if he were a teenager in game play. Di was brave enough to put down the burdens, I hope she can repair her R in this new spirit, her H appears not to be wayward just immature.
These are the thoughts I wanted to share with you today.
Fl
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
