How do I set the boundary without looking like I'm persuing. Again, we have not discussed our marriage situation since the bomb was dropped. Do I approach him knowing it will get back to my wife and in turn gives her another reason to leave me. Again I only have circumstantial evidence and I fear anything I say will make me look more insecure
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
If a boundary is handled properly, it will not appear as pursuit. It is just like having a boundary line around your property. It is all about protecting yourself. Now I am going to give this example, and that's all it is.....an example. If a W is having an A, the H can tell her that he cannot live in an open M, and if the A does not end immediately, then he will take steps to file for a D. You see, the W is free to make choices. The H is doing the action to protect himself emotionally, and any other reasons he has about not staying in an open M.
I will warn you, however, to never "use" a boundary as a tool to control her. There have been men who would give this example, thinking it would stop an A. When it didn't end the A, then he would want to back peddle, instead of enforcing the boundary. So that's why I said it is only an example to demonstrate how a boundary works.
If the WW does not honor the boundary her H has stated, he should carry through with an action that will protect himself.
Be prepared to back up whatever you said, b/c a WW will test you to see if you really meant it. Enforcing personal boundaries will help get back the lost respect from your W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your advice Sandi2. I appreciate the time you take to help me get through my situation. I am unsure how I will approach this boundary making. I am afraid to bring this topic up as it may have been the breaking point for my wife last time I expressed my concerns about the neighbour.
My conflict is how can I detach , "act as if", and GAL if I reopen this can of worms? Divorce has never been mentioned. I suspect D will likely be brought up by my wife. If D is mentioned , I have no intentions of initiating it.
What I am thinking of doing is suggesting we put the house up for sale. This I could follow up on. If she asks why I will then state I know longer wish to live near Our neighbour. She knows how much I love our home. This would be the ultimate 180. My concern is the effect moving will have on my two boys.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
We are still living under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed. As mentioned not a word as been uttered about our marriage in more than two months. I keep busy at work and when not working I am spending quality time with my two boys.
My relationship with the spouse is cordial but there is no affection or visible emotion. When at home and in the same room there is very little conversation but we do discuss the boys.
In past posts I have inquired about opening some sort of marriage dialogue but other DB'ers including yourself, Sandi2, have advised against it. By stating boundaries the relationship discussion will hav been started by me.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Okay, I think I understand. For clarification, stating a boundary is not the same as having a discussion about the relationship. However, I can see how that might sound contradictive. Having R talk is when you are trying to fix the MR though talks, which the majority of LBH'S want to do.
Whenever you state a personal boundary, it is not with the intent of starting a dialogue. It is to establish her awareness of where your boundaries lie. You state it, then leave her with it. That's all you are doing, is telling her how it makes you feel and what you will have to do to protect yourself.
An example: "When you have private contact with _______________, it causes me to feel ______________. Therefore, if you continue, then I will _____________".
The link on boundaries can probably be more helpful than I am.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm feeling pretty good today. I must admit I am apprehensive about discussing boundaries with the w. The reason being is I do not want it to look like I am offering an ulitmatum. I am fearful that what I say will provide more ammunition for my w to resent me more than she does right now.
I want to state to her that my neighbour is no longer welcome in my house. I will no longer take part in any social interaction that includes him. This will be difficult due to his son and my son being team mates on hockey, soccer and school sports teams. When away at tournaments, the parents on the team frequently arrange group dinners at restaurants. I do not want to limit my son's chances for team bonding due to my boundaries. Any suggestions on this scenario would be helpful.
Another area I am trying to come to terms with is not telling the wife where I am going when I leave the house. I understand she has given up her right to always know my whereabouts , when she dropped the bomb. I also know it may make her suspicious that I may be involved with another woman. Inside, this would make me feel good if she showed concern, but also apprehensive about how she may react.
I have read the LBH with W W thread and it has given me more understanding of the best course of action to follow. I will follow the suggestions the best that I can as long as my children are not affected my my actions .
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Earlier today I was typing a letter to my wife, (one that I will never send her) just to see my true feelings on paper.
As I was typing and looking back at why my w and I are in the sitch, I realized how difficult it must have been to stay married to me for so long. I always thought I was such a good husband, but reflecting on my actions during our marriage, I can understand why we are where we are. I am surprised she didn't drop the bomb sooner. I am so sickened by my actions. I can't believe how irresponsible and selfish my actions of the past were.
Yes, we lacked communication during our marriage, but holy crap, my actions are indefensible. I only hope I get the chance to rectify.
Wow. I am so glad I decided to type the letter. Thankfully I know I will be a better person, a better me, going forward. Hopefully she will notice and if she doesn't, I will still be the best me I can be.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I have been a member of DB.com for two months now. Wish I would have been aware of this site 5 years ago. I must admit that I felt very defensive and somewhat insulted with some of the replies to my early posts. Then I realized that my journey to repair my MR will be more difficult than I had hoped it would be. The responders to my posts were being honest. The truth hurts.
When my wife and I started dating, she was the pursuer. I was cautious and although I was attracted to her when we first met, I was guarded and was unsure of my true feelings for her.
It was not until I returned from a vacation that I knew how special my wife was to me and it was then and there that I realized how much I loved her. Upon my return, she surprised me at my home with a take out dinner. The funny thing is, after eating the food in Mexico with no ill effects , the take out meal did not sit right and I spent the better part of the next day running to and from the bathroom. Sorry if this is too much information.
We dated almost 5 years before I asked her to marry me. It was not a smooth ride as there was one occasion that I knew she was questioning herself about our relationship. She was working at the University pub as a waitress and she had met another guy. She was pending less time with me and more time with her group of University friends which included the other guy. Knowing that there was some sort of attraction by my wife to this other guy, who I never met, I suggested we stop all contact until she decided on who she wanted to be with. After approximately a week, she called to tell me how miserable she was without me in her life, and realized I was the man she wanted to be with. Obviously I was overjoyed with her decision and our relationship grew stronger from that point on.
Now here I am, more than 20 years later in a similar situation but with so much more at stake. I became too comfortable in our MR and felt like we could overcome any problems by sweeping them under the rug and they would work themselves out. Big mistake. When I realized that I was being pushed away, I tried harder to pull her back. As we all know here, and as I found out too late, this is a recipe for disaster. Pursuer vs distancer. Over time the roles have been reversed.
Now my boys are in the middle of hockey play offs. MY GAL has been a failure as I am so busy with my boys' hockey schedule, I have no time to live my life. I wake up, prepare lunches for my boys, go to work, get home, prepare dinner then head off to an arena for a game or a practice.
I have had only one night in the last 10 days that I had nothing planned. What did I do? I went to my office. I did not have any work to do, I just wanted to get away from my wife. I do not want to be around her because I am afraid I will fail at detachment or have a set back.
Earlier this week I decided to join a Gym. Even though I have a well equipped work out room at home, I wanted to workout in an atmosphere where my wife is not near by. I also find it hard to motivate myself for working out, so now I take part in different workout classes at the gym. I will not tell my wife about the new gym membership. It is a place I can now go to as part of my GALing.
I apologize for rambling on so I will finally get to the point. I have done a complete 180 as far as showing affection, starting conversions, texting, phoning, saying I Love You, looking for her approval. My problem is the detachment. Its so hard while we are still living in the same home. I am looking for any advice on how to really detach while still living in the same house, sharing the same bed. Do I tell her I would appreciate that we do not share a bed and that she make other arrangements? Do I say nothing?
Its very hard being near her knowing she wants to leave, which makes it easier to do the 180, but together with my wife, we are so busy with our boys. I don't know what I can do to detach. I have read the detachment thread and would like to follow through, but I'm finding it difficult. I want so much to succeed at DBing. I feel as if I am failing.
Any help/input will be greatly appreciated.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
It's Saturday night, I'm sitting alone in the kitchen wanting so much to walk over to my wife and give her a big hug and kiss. She looks so great as usual. Fortunately I have learned enough from DR and this forum not to act on such impulses. I am so lonely. No one to talk to, no one to go out with. It's one of the few days that I haven't had to attend one of my boy's hockey games.
I left the house early this morning to go to the gym. Didn't tell wife where I was going. She does not know about the gym membership.
Not sure why, but I even looked into a dating website for single parents. I don't want to give up on our marriage but maybe I just want to see what's out there. I looked quickly but unsubscribed within minutes.
I'm in a fog today. It's so hard. I sometimes think my wife is a DBer and we are both practicing the same rules and following the same guidance on this website.
I know this journey is not going to be easy. No magic spell will help. I am afraid that no matter how well I follow the DB steps, my wife will never want to try to piece the married back together.
My last few posts I was looking for some guidance and have had no reply. I hope there is a reply soon.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
