Not sure what happened, but I suddenly feel as if a large part of the burden I've been carrying has lifted.
Was it the church sermon on forgiveness? Me removing all of H's pictures and possessions from my sight? My several small revelations while researching communication skills and how my lack of them affected my H? Each positive interaction with new friends at my meetup activities? My new attitude of letting things go, not trying to control everything around me?
I know I am growing rapidly as a person, but I am surprised by the actual "pop" that occurred in my mind Monday. And then all of my anger and jealousy was gone. Just vanished. I could actually breathe again. I felt lighter. I even expected the feeling to disappear by morning and it didn't. It still hasn't.
I still miss H. I still want him to come back to me. The NEED for him is quieter in my head. The thoughts of him are not encased in a shroud of despair...I am not encased in that shroud either.
I have things to do...for me. I look forward to growing the new friendships I am making, and thanking those people for the pleasure of their time and company. I am finding it easier now to think of new things to try, or maybe the fear of trying new things is leaving me. I know I can do them by myself, as well.
All of this is making it easier to wait and see if DB will have an effect. To be patient. Am I detached? Not yet. I think I understand the part I have played in making our R un-workable. I can and will change this part of me. The rest I realize I cannot control, so I have no desire to even try. I have let that go, along with the negative feelings. I don't know what is coming. I'm just going to take each day as it comes and work to fill it with things I want to do or work on. I don't know why the "pop" happened Monday. But life just got easier.
This was a lovely post to read Cilu,
It does my heart good to read this shift and letting go. Enjoy this feeling and sensation of lightness, you have done so much good work to get here.
You are an inspiration to me as I continue down my own road to freedom. I am a long way behind you, but happy you are leaving me bread crumbs to follow. Thank you.
