A year ago today I spent the morning lying in bed with my W in our beautiful house in the hills. We laughed and joked as Woofie jumped on and off the bed trying to steal our attention, and my W snoozed with her head on my chest.
I made us both an omelette breakfast and then made the fatal mistake of asking if something was bothering her. Heaven's knows that without that question I'd still be happily M'ed today...
Yep, it's been a year since she answered the question with "I'm sorry I don't want to be married to you, I'm going to pack a bag right now and be out of here within the hour."
One full year. I can't believe it.
For those of you new in your sitch's, I'll reiterate something I say a lot here:
I wouldn't trade last year for the world. Not one awful second of it. If I could go back and change anything I would not. I don't want to be D'ed and I probably will be by the end of the month, but I wouldn't go back if it meant being anywhere other than where I am right now.
I don't want to be M'ed to the W I was M'ed to before, but I miss the woman I fell in love with. I can't be the man I was in my M because DB'ing, sobriety, and a year of therapy and honest looks inward killed him. I really like the guy looking back at me in the mirror every morning now and on most days I hated the guy that did the same in my M.
DB'ing IS all about changing yourself, and it's going to be hard, brutally hard. The only way to really change yourself is to let go of your WAS. Completely. The more you pay attention to them, the less attention there is left for your own growth. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing their taking your valuable time and energy. DB'ing is hard, but oh so worth it.
Today I went to a yoga class, and have a good friend taking me to lunch. Then Woofie hits the beach, and dinner with my old employees. It's going to be a great day despite the tiniest twinge of pain in memory.
I'll say that my failures in my M were directly related to not being able to express myself authentically for a myriad of reasons. Maybe your story is the same. If you can find ways to make that expression authentic, either in your work, your relationships, your conversations, or parenting, I believe that is the true definition of happiness. A happiness that would love to have a supportive partner, but doesn't need one.
Happy Antiversary to my WAW where ever she may be today. I hope her life is as rich and colorful as mine.
Big hugs,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
