It is becoming really clear to me that my H has been depressed for a long time, for AT LEAST the whole 12 years that I've known him...IMHO.
His temper, his rotten attitude, his life is against me attitude, his everything happens to me attitude, just his disposition in general...all goes back to his childhood. I know I've been told this, but I recognized it at this point. My childhood had it's up and downs but nowhere near what H's was like. I have dealt with my childhood issues and have moved on from them.
I am noticing that I Am focussing more on my H's good qualities these days, where in the past I was seeing his negative qualities. I've reversed my view of our whole relationship, it's no longer focussed on the negatives, but the positives. Maybe it's my view of life in general that's changed.
There were times when I wished I'd never met my H. I know my H feels the same way. Now I see it as meant to be, we were drawn to each other for a reason and for me to wish or think anything different is WISHFUL thinking.
So H will continue on with his journey...I keep praying for him..as it's all I can do. I'm dropping the rope.
My intuition says it's happy hour tonight for H. The other night when H was soo loopdee-looped, it was like I was seeing H like that for the first time--even though it wasn't the first time
Finding God, praying has opened up a whole new world to me..is what I'm feeling that of a born again Christian? OMG....if I were to share that with anyone I really know, I'm not sure what the reaction would be...a look of puzzlement? A look of "oh-oh I need to get away from her" The thing is I don't want to put my religion, my beliefs out there yet, I want to keep it to myself for awhile.
There's also the fact that I'm not really sure how to explain anything to anyone at this point..to show anyone what I have been shown..I think it's something each person has to come to on their own.
I am VERY excited. Tee-time Saturday with my golfing gal pal!!! My PMA shoots up just thinking about golfing again. Will try to stop at the driving range on my way home from work tomorrow night. Need to get the clubs out tonight and put them in my trunk!!!
First, Go TEAM! Your BB team did great last weekend! I haven't kept up this week but I think they are still in it aren't they?
Of course, our H team took the top prize last weekend so now we'll see what happens in the regionals.
I have lurked this week but haven't been able to post much. I recall you saying that your H has a doctor appt this Friday. You also said that his stomach is still bothering him. That could be many things but a scope would help pin it down. However, if your H tells the doc it bothers him some, but doesn't say it is excruciatingly painful, they won't do it.
And I wouldn't hesitate about calling the doctor and telling him about the increase in drinking and other stresses in his life. That way he can get around to asking the appropriate questions within the course of the visit. He doesn't have to tell your H that you called either. JMHO.
Gotta run - H just walked in!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Okay I'm posting, this morning I just didn't want any part of any of this MLC/anything. Been reading some old threads posted around and am realizing I have a long ways to go with this and then more afterwards...it just overwhelmed me.
Totite: our team lost, so we're out of the tourney, but our hockey team is in the NCAA.
H seems to be getting worse, yesterday he said he didn't eat very much, hasn't had a drink since Sunday, and his appt. is tomorrow.
H was home last night, watched TV, S and I ran errands. Came back home, watched some TV and H went to bed and S went to bed with H. I relaxed on the couch and prayed, thought, had some me time.
Today, I feel kind of down, not sure why. Maybe the weather? Maybe the fact that H is home, he's not feeling well, it's like when S gets sick, my routine is interupted, I want things back to normal, want everyone healthy and happy..well the normal that they are these days.
I've been pretty much giving H his space this week. Not initiating a lot of conversation, H won't answer some of the time. When he does speak he's very nice, so there's no anger. S and H talk a lot.
I'm meeting some friends to tonight for snacks, gossip and drinks so am looking forward to that. Work is awfully boring these days, also.
I'm fighting a cold or something on top of everything else.
One more day and it's Friday..so I'll just hang in there.
Cathy, IF you can, and yes, I realize how difficult it is... stop worrying, thinking about H. You need a breather. I know he is there in the house, so it is difficult, but you need to put the whole thing out of your mind. Really, really try to focus on YOU. When I post a lot, analyze a lot, it really only puts me in a dark hole that I choose not to be in.
Getting out with your GF tonight will help. Laugh, enjoy. Stop wondering what H is up to, etc. YOU can do it, you are the queen of detachment. You are too close, and there is STILL nothing you can do about H, he STILL has to figure this out on his own.
Step back.
Read a great book, read the Bible, get reinvolved with something for you. Refocus. Just another ride on the rollercoaster. You can do it.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
There you are! I was wondering about you but didn't want to bother you.
Quote: Okay I'm posting, this morning I just didn't want any part of any of this MLC/anything. Been reading some old threads posted around and am realizing I have a long ways to go with this and then more afterwards...it just overwhelmed me.
I know exactly what you mean. I feel this very often. Then I think: two months after the bomb I thought I would never get to the year mark. I thought I would...I don't know...fall apart I guess by the time the year was up. I thought I could NEVER make it; afterall it was only two months and I thought I had been at this FOREVER. Well, here I am...almost at the year mark of the bomb, and four months since S.
There are still days when I don't even want to come to the bb but I always find that it helps.
I know you know all this but you'll have these days. I'll use your words: "just sit with it and don't give any meaning to it."
Quote: I'm meeting some friends to tonight for snacks, gossip and drinks so am looking forward to that. Work is awfully boring these days, also
I'm meeting friends after work as well. Have fun and just forget about it all for a couple of hours.
Quote: When I post a lot, analyze a lot, it really only puts me in a dark hole that I choose not to be in.
Well you hit it on the head. Yep...been doing too much thinking...want to be home right now watching a movie, taking a nap...1/2 hour to go and then happy hour!!
