Where I am...

[mahhhty]

1st: New England Newcomer
2nd: So I am divorced.
3rd: I hucked a waterfall.
4th: Just Fishin'
5th: Six to Nine
6th: The Next Day…

Where I am (Seems like as good a name as any)…

My Life.

I’m the fun Dad and the fun Uncle (for all my nieces and nephews, even the X-ones), which made the holidays. I love playing with the munchkins (and the feeling is mutual). My startup is taking off… We had an open house with some activities and the results were amazing… Over 100 people in the store during a 4 hour window and a front page spread on the local newspaper!!! The cat is officially out of the bag! My sister started an online dating profile for me, which I inherited and have been enjoying! This past weekend I went on a kayaking bender… I paddled four days in a row with a bunch of friends. After my Birthday I did a quick recap of social media… I meet over 100 new people in 2015, most of which are kayakers or people associated with the establishment of my business. I’ve been asked to interview for an associate professor position and teach a series on the topic of “Starting a Business on a Budget.” My life is a lot different than it used to be that is for sure, and I love the direction it is moving in. I’m passionate and excited about what the future holds in store for me. Additionally, I find it challenging and rewarding to negotiate the waters of business ownership. I know my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses. I enjoy contributing to something bigger than myself and even more I love to lead it. As for working out, I need to get back on that horse. I get a fair amount of exercise by paddling, but I’ve lost too much weight and need to start bulking up.

My Detachment.

I am detached from X in many ways. However, I still have thoughts about her, our situation, the kids and the OM. There are a lot of triggers in my world. The house we built together. The car I drive. The place I live. The colors of the walls. My association with her parents/daycare. I’m going to start taking an active effort in changing those things that I can, and work harder on figuring out ways to not obsess about the others. For instance, I’m in the process of looking for ideas for new colors and layouts of the rooms.

My Struggle.

Over the last couple weeks, I still have two basic thoughts that I think about or dwell on…

1 – Her coming home. I’m not an idiot, I am fully aware that there would have to be major changes for her to come back. We’ve heard this story from Sandi and many before…. Remorse, Resentment, Respect. She’s never said she is sorry, she’s never accepted any responsibility and she is currently in a selfish place. My thoughts aren’t contemplating what it would be like day to day with her home. I am not thinking about what that life looks like. My thoughts are purely about the moment that she approaches me. As everyone has identified, that time does come. I’m confident that at some point she will approach me. I am not sure what I will have in my heart… an impulse to slam the door or to hold it open. I’ve seen the parent trap (a long time ago), I realize that my kids will have a yearning for their family to be together. I’m not sure where I will be.

This is where my puppy dog comments come in from my last post. I believed in my marriage, and I am loyal. In that way I feel like the puppy dog waiting for the owner (thanks Mozza). However, betrayal, anger, disappointment are making me bitter and upset in regards to her. For a very long time, I stood up for her, tried to be compassionate and empathic. I am starting to feel that she doesn’t deserve us (kids included), and that is how I can now envision slamming the door.

2 – Her OM. I find affairs to be morally and ethically wrong in nature, and an escape for people who can’t deal with themselves or real life. Although I don’t know for 100% that they did, the timeline according to my stalker friends certainly fits and makes the most sense. With all that said, I know I reinforced her position with him, and I accept that responsibility. However, similarly to the above item, I am unsure how I will react in that moment in which I meet him again. I’m confident in my ability to rearrange his face.

Perhaps this is childish and immature, but this is the place for me to confront those things I don’t like within myself. I certainly don’t like the idea of being filled with that anger, but I have been thinking about it lately.



Thoughts???

[2ltl2lt]

I confronted OM several weeks ago, it doesn't do anybody any good. Although I felt better for about two minutes, in the long run it does more harm than good. IMO

[Mozza]

Thanks for your response (and for starting this thread). As usual, my post was direct and probably came out too harsh. I'm worried that you think so much about your ex at your own expense. At the same time, I understand that it's not easy to let go (I haven't 100%) and that you accomplish much that impresses me, like starting the business. And you have a dating profile. On this topic, I really hope you'll soon find the time to read Models. It's not a pick up artist kind of book, it's more about being centered and honest. I think a lot of us LBH need to hear it before we approach women again.

Your emotions towards your ex and your perspective on her return are completely normal. I don't think we "know" that WAS always approach the LBS. It's not clear all of them have remorse, even if they must all have their doubts, and those that have remorse might process it far from the WAS. Also, it may take a lot of time and your emotions will be where they will be. It's unlikely you can prepare for it now.

I agree with 2ltl2lt that confrontation is not productive or even satisfying. What you convey to OM is that you care and that he's had the upper hand on you. You're powerless over him and even rearranging his face gives him to good role. I've ignored OM completely. If anything, my hope is that he'll be wondering why I care so little about him and her? Is there something I know that he should know? While you dream of rearranging his face, my scenario is that if I were to meet him I would give him a side smile, implying that he got the raw end of the deal... Not going to happen, but it just goes to show how I think of "confronting" OM.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Mozza. I like to be challenged and I don't think you are too harsh. More like a dose of what I needed.

I do think about her too much for me. I've identified some of those triggers and I'll work on the ones I can control (décor, painting, etc). Some are beyond my control (2 of which I will talk about in a second). Obviously, the kids, her mother (daycare provider), X-SIL and family, the associated kidney disease and life are some of the other triggers.

You and 2lt are right, and deep down I know it. I'd love to rearrange the face of an arrogant d-bag. But that will not fix anything. And isn't the problem. I can already envision the smirk that I give him.... With the reason being... "Hey Buddy... She couldn't stay here for two kids or for me. What makes you think she will stay with you."

[mahhhty]

Alright... I've waited on this since yesterday. Thought about it but done nothing with it.

Yesterday AM. I drop the kids off for Daycare. X's Mom goes on to explain how X is now dialyzing (on dialysis for kidneys). She explains how kidney function is 3%, and if she doesn't she won't even be alive come her surgery which is in early March. This all just hit me. Especially, how I was emailing back and forth with her the day before. And she was chatty and I was short.

Then this AM. I said this to my D & S at breakfast. "Check these out [showing pictures of me kayaking to the kids]. I got these from a friend." D says something like "Mommy has a friend she introduced me to him." I asked follow-up questions... When was this? What was his name? She couldn't answer them. She didn't even remember his name. So I didn't press her. I don't want them to feel like they are in the middle (I'm super sensitive to this. I don't talk about X at all in front of the kids).

I'm unsure how to deal with either situation...

- I am compassionate/empathetic about her situation (w/kidneys) with myself or her parents. However, in email/text conversions (our only conversion) with her. My goal is to end it as quickly as possible.

[mahhhty]

I wasn't finished...

I'm unsure how to deal with either situation...

- I am compassionate/empathetic....

- How do I tackle the OM situation? I know in my core I don't want the kids to met him because I believe it to be inappropriate. However, it does make sense that she would want to introduce them especially when I know her parents have already met him.

Thoughts?

[Mozza]

OM: Very simple: you have no control. She will introduce the kids to OM if she wants to and if you decide to fight that battle, you will lose. What have have control over is how you react to it. Is it hurtful for you? What part of it hurts? Do you think the kids will be harmed by meeting him?

Kidneys: She hasn't told you directly, right? Are you afraid that she will think you're insensitive? What if she does? If you told her, how would you go about it? What reaction would you be hoping for?

[mahhhty]

For those I was following before my 11 day hiatus. Sorry. Things have been very busy for me lately.

Mozza - You are right....

I have stopped (obsessing about the OM). It is silly childish and beneath me.

As for the kidneys, she's started dialysis last week on her birthday and with that additional communication has been required. I also saw her at my S's appointment, it was S's 3rd appointment but her 1st appearance. I maintained my distance but have tried to show empathy and support as the X... most notably was this text response "Ok I'll call her. If you need help please keep me in mind I would love to see the kids more. Good luck at treatment."

[Gmum]

I'm sorry to hear her health is derailing. Hope the kids aren't too affected, I assume they're too young to understand.

Busy is good. Business taking of well?

I wish I could stop obsessing over the OW. I seem to be getting worse. Maybe it's just that I keep finding out he's lying about his whereabouts and is actually seeing her (instead of his kid)

Glad you seem to be doing well.

[ARose]

Mahhhty, it sounds like you are doing well. So glad you stopped obsessing, that is a huge step forward.

I am glad you are busy, even though too busy to post, its a good sign that your life is moving forward.