Ancaire, none this is easy and it is a continual process, so don't be too hard on yourself. Just yesterday on my morning walk, I was thinking back to the first 6 months after BD and how little detached I actually was. I had to laugh. At the time, I thought I was doing pretty good, but looking back I did so many things wrong. No one is going to be perfect when the emotions are so raw and painful. I took the bait way too many times and let my H rope me into a few too many arguments and R talks. Your H is doing the exact same stuff. Funny hiw even the responses are so close. He is using all of your responses to justify his actions. I knew what I should do, but I just could not help myself. It was not until my H was completely out of the house that I could really start to detach. The ignoring me, the coming home at 3am, acting like a teenager, the OW in the house. It was all just too painful. It felt like he was trying to rub it all in my face, but to be honest none if it had to do with me and he probably wasn't even thinking how his actions might be hurtful. They are too stuck in their selfishness to consider how what they are doing might impact others. They just want to live in their fantasy worlds where they have everything they need, but with the LBS hanging around in the back ground pining for them. When we stop being there pining for them they start to freak out. That will likely get thrown back at you too...you are walking away, your really do not want to be M, yada, yada, yada. Just ignore any negative reaction he has to that as well.
You have come a long way since BD, but keep reminding yourself that this is a marathon and not a sprint.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BT - thank you. I'm such an over-achiever. I really want to get this right, and it frustrated me that so little of it is within my control. LOL I want to get an "A", and feel like I'm at a solid "D" - and for someone like me...ouch!
Marathon. Slow down, pace yourself, conserve energy, keep it steady.
M - my dream is to leave the door cracked just enough, so that when H remembers who he is, he'll know he can come home. There can be no R right now. He's not himself, and I have too much healing to do. But one day? I'd like to be strong enough - because if he does wake up, he's going to need me to be. His actions now are the polar opposite of who he used to be. He's going to be carrying loads of regret and shame.
So, how to leave an open door? Right now, I'm slamming it in his face.
M - my dream is to leave the door cracked just enough, so that when H remembers who he is, he'll know he can come home. There can be no R right now. He's not himself, and I have too much healing to do. But one day? I'd like to be strong enough - because if he does wake up, he's going to need me to be. His actions now are the polar opposite of who he used to be. He's going to be carrying loads of regret and shame.
So, how to leave an open door? Right now, I'm slamming it in his face.
Uau, Ancaire. That is the one million dollars/euro question. When you find the answer please share it (for free) ...
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
I am happy to offer my opinion but be aware there are people more emotional intelligent then me here. I believe honesty is the best policy. These are the points I would stress to my wife in your situation.
1) The marriage is broken and needs a major overhaul. 2) I need to work on myself to be the best me possible, for me and for my spouse. 3) You need to work on yourself to be the best possible you, for yourself and your spouse. 4) After we have made constructive repairs to ourselves we can begin to repair the marriage. 5) I will begin working on myself now. 6) You must begin working on yourself. 7) I will not remain in a broken marriage.
That's the direction I would go. You could word it much better I'm sure. It says your in, but not forever.
Start this stuff after your D. Be aware that whatever you say and do may be used as leverage.
Every time it's turned against you, you say next time and there is a sweet loving confused man inside.
It's the same pattern every time and it's life's lesson, will keep repeating until you learn what it has to teach you.
Portia Nelson “I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You guys know I love to share extremely good info! Today's post comes from the public postings by MWD that Cadet posts for us here. I needed this great reminder. Pass it along if you think others do, too.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Divorce Busting, from Michelle Weiner Davis (Cadet's Thread: DB, FB, and Twitter from MWD #2 January 6 at 3:56pm · Boulder, CO
As I told you all, I have just undergone shoulder surgery and it is reminding me of several lessons I always teach people when they're struggling in their marriages. The first is the importance of patience. Your marital problems were a long time in the making. Change never happens over night. If you are impatient, you will behave in ways what will make positive outcomes less likely. Going slowly speeds things up. The second is not to assume that the way you're feeling right now- down- is the way you will be feeling forever. Things will change. Your feelings will change. You must keep perspective. Honor your feelings now, but don't get swallowed by them. Michele Weiner-Davis
''In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Is - perfect timing for this post! I've finally gotten to the point that I can do this, and be okay with it. I've done so much thinking this weekend - I've really come to a point of peace, as well as who I am and where I want to be.
I've read this before, but unlike other times I've read it - it really speaks to me right now. I think you have to really be mentally ready to "hear" before it truly starts to make sense.
I'm ready. I'm ready to live my life for me. I'm ready to give H the space and time he so obviously needs. I'm ready to stop worrying about him, what he thinks, what he feels.
It really is all about me now. I've identified so many areas I need to work on, I've got my hands full with figuring out my future - but the future doesn't look nearly as scary as it did a few weeks ago.
This should be required reading for all of us! At least once a month, until we're ready to really absorb the wisdom contained therein.
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