WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[Tyler12]

Keep at it Trumpet! Like you said. This is te beginning. You know what you want now and what you want to do. I am very happy to read your post. Keep moving forward!

[trumpet]

If my W and I do divorce, it's ok. I'm prepared. It does hurt, but not nearly as bad as fearing the train crash. It will hurt in the future, but it won't hurt forever.

I might have the chance to go to a hockey game tonight with the kids. I think I'll invite the wife, as a way of being 'neighborly'.

The balancing act of being detached (and cold, which often happens), and trying to show her the best trumpet, and being happy and content, is such a difficult dance right now.

[Tyler12]

That's the dance I have been trying to do as well. Detach while not being cold. If you figure it out let me know! Haha

[Vanilla]

Go to Ceroc

V

[trumpet]

Ok, got free tickets to the Capitols Hockey (minor league in town).

Invited the wife. She accepted. She's excited to go, and we'll hit up someplace with the kids beforehand.

This is a PERFECT way to show her that I'm committed to the family, to my kids, and that we can interact in a very positive way, without talking about the sitch.

I'm going to an event with my wife who is divorcing me. And I asked her. CRAZY. Totally illogical to me, but my hurt right now is in my back pocket. It has to stay there for now. I can tell it wants to jump out of my pocket and attack what I still call my wife, but who right now is not my wife. Or won't be in the future. LOL.

Be there for my kids. Be the husband she can't imagine leaving on the curb. Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave! I have to keep thinking I can do this. I CAN do this. I WILL do this.

I'm on the stage. My head is in the guillotine. My executioner just developed a bad case of the runs. So, I have to sit and wait. Will the people find their heart and stop the execution? We shall see in the next 60 days, whoops, 59 days.

[trumpet]

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

[Free]

Trumpet, thanks again for posting on my thread. I just caught up with yours. Your positivity throughout is inspiring me to keep hope.
If you have time, read the threads by Crimson. If that doesn't give everyone some hope after D, nothing will.
I'm slowly learning. Time, patience and STFU.
It's just so F'ing hard trying to successfully DB when your heart is shattered repeatedly.
Keep up the great work.
Be well.

[JGuy]

That's the dance I have been trying to do as well. Detach while not being cold. If you figure it out let me know! Haha

Exactly, me three. I'd love to hear some general advice on how to detach while not being cold. On job's detachment thread, the following is listed as one of the forms of irrational thinking that can lead to an inability to detach:

Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.

Further down in the steps to detach, the following step is provided:

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

So the question is, what healthy, rational belief would replace the belief that being detached equals being cold and aloof?

I'd love to hear the more experienced folks chime in here, but for starters I'll share my own thoughts about this. If I had a clear understanding of my sitch, my W and how her emotions work, what a higher form of love would look like, then perhaps I would be able to see how the way that I have been attached to trying to fix our M really can't ever work. If I could really see clearly how my W is the only one who can take responsibility for her choices and actions, then I imagine that I would have a natural instinct to detach with love out of this greater understanding of the big picture. If I could really see her for who she is now, and I could understand the path that she needs to walk alone, then perhaps I could step back in awe and just love her from a distance, wish her the best while I let go. The problem is, I only have small, incomplete glimpses of this big picture at best. Most of the time, I'm just not feeling in touch with the grace of understanding that I would need to truly detach in that way. Within my limited view of things, the only way I can fathom detaching without any greater understanding is to do so in a way that feels cold and aloof. During these times of darkness, I guess I can just try my best to trust that there is a big picture which I can't understand at the moment. It would take tremendous faith, but perhaps there's a way of detaching with love, even without being in touch with understanding the big picture. Anyhow, yeah, it's hard!!

[trumpet]

So, no big news from last night. Uneventful.

A couple remarks from WW that amount to 'so, does everyone on your side of the fence hate me?' I really didn't respond to the couple comments she made.

She did make some remark about what I was wearing when I headed to bed downstairs. She was in her normal spot, in bed, with the laptop. It's a trigger for me - it's where she's always messaged OM. She's watching TV - I'm sooooo done with TV right now.

She was trying to be funny. I just looked at her, but didn't say 'REALLY?', just left the room. Got a text 1 minute later apologizing for the remark, and saying it was 'too soon'. Too soon? Are we getting back together? Really? You filed divorce on me.

She really has no clue the damage she has caused. I did act neighborly to her, but it does draw me back into the relationship, and it's tough to fight the gravity of 15 years.
My hurt is still in my back pocket.

Time to head to church. Have to get S12 an outfit for his band concert, get food for the week, and watch the Packer game.

[Vanilla]

OK detachment

This is how I see it. Detachment isn't letting go of standing, you can still stand. Detachment isn't about being hot, warm or cold in mood. Detachment is about doing that which works for you irrespective of the outcome.

You can be friendly, NC, LRT or any in any combination because it is right for you, irrespective of the out one.

For instance, do you want to come to the game? Yes is ok, No is also ok. You do what you want to do because it's right for you, you do that which works for you.

Whatever the other does or chooses to do is fine. Of course you have a preference but you know the other has their own choice. Their choice is merely their choice.

You assert your boundary irrespective of the response, because your reasonable boundary is your standard to be respected.

So will detaching drive your WW away, actually if you are doing that which you need to do for you, then whether it does or doesn't is not even an issue.

That is my thinking

V