M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Last night went badly. Enjoyed the movie & time out with the family - maybe too much. I was laughing and whispering to the girls about stuff in the movie (explaining some to the 9D), etc. Came home - he was pissy, etc. Said I still didn't get him and that he wished he only took the girls because then they would have had dignity and decorum about it. When I'm there, there's not. I'm not *that* crass, but I *validated*. Then he launched into a dress that 14D was interested in. Long story but it ended up about how I don't understand his likes and what he finds attractive. SO tempted to fire away. But that's because I also found his travel credit card shows that he twice visited a nudie bar in OR. This seems to be going to the next level...part of pathology. So it was bad. Decisions? no.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
If I was giving advice to a non-clergy husband, it might be different than in your case.
Your husbands behavior just can't happen for someone who is a pastor. That's the truth.
You need to protect yourself. Find a counselor, and start to tell your story to those who will listen. Those who love you and can objectively help and direct you do resources you need right now.
I'm so, so sorry that you are in this situation. Do you have anyone in the church who you are very close to that you can tell? Someone that can look at this thru a loving, but objective lens?
His anger isn't for you. His anger is for himself, and is directing it to his outlet that he knows will take it. You don't deserve to take his pain, he's already causing you pain.
He won't understand what he's doing. I didn't, either. Waywards don't understand until they're out of the 'fog'.
We care about you here. I care enough to post. I want you to keep posting. It helps to vent, and in this place you'll find others in similar situations.
It was good that you had a good time - although don't feel shame that you had a good time. That's your husband's shame - not yours. Have fun with the girls. They need you! They want the happy mom!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Your question about decisions weighed on me. Today's been bad, with a long string of contempt and criticism and how I am not humble. It feels unending. I just want to get away or worse. The girls see how pissy he can be, yet he turned that onto them reflecting me! Which may be partially true, I'll admit. Dunno how much more I can take. You say it "can't happen" for a pastor but they are just men, like any other. Yes, they have more to account for but they are tempted all the more. I get that. I dont' get how he can't understand what he's doing nor how much I hurt. Sorry, I don't get it.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Kyrie, I don't know what to suggest about your H. I don't know how depressed/ angry/ screwed up he is or if he is going to come out of it or not. I do not think him going to nudie bars is a good thing, and I'd be pissed too. But right now it doesn't matter because you are trying to rationalize and relate to someone who just is not rational right now. So it really doesn't matter what he is doing or saying at this point. I know it seems like it, especially when you just know you are right and he is wrong, but it really doesn't. He is going to do what he is going to do, just let go of the need to control him. Its his problem right now, all his.
What does matter, is that at a certain point you are going to crash either physically or mentally or both. You can't live on the receiving end of spew and anger and blame for an extended period of time and absorb all of this anger and "yuck" without it taking a toll. I was getting close to that point about a month ago. I wasn't sleeping, had jaw pain, had so much sadness just eating away at me all the time.
You need to find a way to protect yourself. Either drop the rope, get some space in your living situation, or both. For me, it was a few particularly bad episodes of spew/blame/anger and a look on H's face that made me wake up- I don't want to sound paranoid but that look scared me and was my wake up call to detach. As soon as I dropped that rope H's demeanor changed. He could -and did- say crazy hurtful things, and I honestly didn't have an emotional reaction. Not that I controlled my emotions, but I didn't have them. I was able to say to myself "wow, another example of how messed up H is right now, so sad for him" and on occasion even "He has a good point, I will work on that" but there was for me ZERO emotion connected to his spew anymore. Especially the crazy stuff. And once this happened, he stopped spewing, I'd say he cut down at least 80% . I feel better. I sleep better, my jaw stopped hurting, I am happier. Partly because he stopped, but mostly because I stopped. Give yourself permission to get off the rollercoaster. Your h is in crisis, but you don't need to be. Whatever he does, however wrong or crazy or immoral it is, it is HIS crisis, his problem.
I know you say he won't "let you" detach, if that is really true and he is that controlling, then maybe you need some space in your living situation. And I don't say this lightly. Think about it. I think its time for Kyrie to get out of crisis mode. Its H's decision if he is still in crisis or not, but you need to stop your part in this right now. Think about it Kyrie.
Kyrie, Fo has hit the preverbial right on the head. She has alot of experience with a spewing, shamed and depressed H. If you read her threads from beginning to end, you read her awakening.
Fo has learned what she can control and influence and her level of sanity and internal peace.
From my observations of Fo, she does a few fundamental things really incrediably well.
1. Fo works her plan - everyday Fo appears to have a goal in mind for how she will manage the day, manage her children, her H and her GAL, and her PMA. She may not hit it 100% everytime, but gosh pretty much most of the time.
2. Fo manages her mood and responses. She has adaptly described a strategy above for detaching. Read Fo's threads and you will find as she describes it was lesson and skill aquired over time. There is great value in taking on board what Fo has said above.
3. Fo knows herself. Fo knows what brings her joy and she cultivates it. Fo knows how to improve her PMA. My feeling about Fo from what she described, has senory connection to positive sound. Fo is a homebody. She loves her home filled with children, the sound of joyful children laughing. She loves and open home and local people feeling that they can come and go from her home. Fo loves her music. I guess what I am attempting to badly communicate, is Fo knows how to self soothe.
4. Fo built hereself an A-Team. When your home feels like a warzone. You need buddies in the trenches. Fo gives alot to this board. She is open and transparent about her vulnerablities and weaknesses and she communicates her strengths to others. But what Fo also does she posts regularly on other threads. She gives back what she gets. Also Fo has a number of professionals and read and read what she could to improve her armory. You can't do this alone Kyrie, it will drive you insane. You need your own A-Team and you would benefit from posting on other people's threads. You often reenforce learning by supporting others to implement strategies that worked and didn't work.
4. Fo knows what's hers and H's to own. This is hard one to figue out as a newcomer. It's your role to figure this out. What Fo said ^^^^ she knows whose business she needs to be in and it's not H. Once you figure how to get out of H's business and be in your own, life gets a lot easier Kyrie.
5. Fo laughs and takes the piss out of herself and this undeniably sad, frustrating and at times soul destroying situation. There are tears for Fo and anger and a thousand and one other emotions that go through you in a day, but Fo has learned that just because it is all looking like sh*t, you still get to have lemonade out of these very sore lemons, if you throw in some sugar and on a occasion a large hit of vodka!.
I guess what I am trying to say out of all of this Kyrie, let go and let God look after H, and you get on looking after YOU. When that happens, you will start to see shift and change.
Keep posting and post on someone else thread. Zues will be back in no time. He won't leave you out in the cold. it's not his style, he cares too much.
In the meantime I am here, so is Fo and trumpet and no doubt a few others that aren't posting but are reading your everything your write. Nobody here walks this road alone.
One thing that JB, trumpet, and I all agree on is you could use professional help for your sitch.
From this board we need some vets. 25years would be good I think if she's around.
I am really just moral support. I do agree with what Fo is posting, particularly in creating some space, dropping the rope, etc. And above all, staying away from H's problems.
Time is on your side. One thing I think is important is appreciating what you have. What got me through was this- If I was the kind of guy that couldn't be happy without the marriage I wanted the way I expected it to be...if I looked at the sky and told God, "you gave me life, healthy children, a great career that allows me to provide, hobbies, friends, gifts, and family that loves me...but unless I get the marriage I expect when I want it I think everything stinks!"...if I was that unappreciative and entitled...well, one woman wouldn't change that anyway.
Spend time being appreciative today. The more you focus on that the more you'll be ok, and the more you'll do to add to that list. Eventually the passage of time won't hurt, and that will mean you are dropping the rope, and living your life. That is the first step to breaking this destructive cycle.
Vets- please take the time to get caught up and jump in, thanks!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Ugh, still many questions. I'll read more on Fo.2, thanks. Not sure exactly what is meant by dropping the rope. Some of the DB ideas/suggests are opposing a 180 by me (and the advise given mainly by Zues). In other words, do I focus on just being the very best wife, meeting his needs and ignoring the pain right now? I hear that the most. But that is nearly the opposite of dropping the rope, not "pursuing", detaching, or getting space. I'm sorry I'm so confused on this...I am very dense indeed. The problem is, I am paralyzed to disconnect and stop trying because it will generate certain consequences: 1. it does not send the right message (by me) to my children, 2. he will surely react, badly and 3. most of all, it reinforces what he has been saying all along: that I'm faking any love, faking trying, not being sincere and not being a good wife. So I'm pinned down, every choice and action is wrong.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
At work so only have a second, but I think the idea is you continue to be the best wife and woman you can be, but drop the expectations of how you want him to respond.
This isn't fake. Loving behavior doesn't mean you are bubbling over with desire and positive feelings. Loving behavior means you do what's right despite the fact you AREN'T.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
