Jpeg - remember, I get called names, too. Whenever I don't do or say what he wants. It's a form of tantrum. You are not used to it, nor should you be, but that's all it is.
He was attempting to intimidate you and crush you, because it's worked in the past. You calmly pointed him in the right direction, which at the same time silently let him know you weren't affected by his attempt to control. He got mad, and acted like a brat. Simple as that.
It is crushing when the one we love calls us names, and seems to believe them - and maybe they do right then, who knows? But really, it has everything to do with how messed up they are, and nothing to do with us.
I hurt, so badly, every time H does this to me. It does make it easier to see when I spot it in other situations, though, and suddenly I'm not so hurt anymore, because I see it for what it is. Bratty behavior from a grown man.
Ancaire I am trying to let it go - let him go. It is just so shocking to me to continue to be shocked by his behavior. He really isn't the man I was married to. He really does read like a textbook case of MLC. It is very sad. He was a wonderful man
Jpeg, we are all different yet all the same. You will get there in good time. Your not ready yet. I am in a similar situation as you. It is very difficult at times.
I am setting myself up to begin detaching. I noticed something about my thinking, new this week. I am tired of this. I sit and worry, worry till I make myself sick and for what good? I did not see it coming, I just feel like worrying is a waste of time. I worried for a year and look what it got me. Be well Jpeg
"I am still holding onto the belief that we were the perfect couple."
This is a useful 'myth' to examine I think. I also thought me and H had one of the best R's around....right up until he ran off with an OW...
I've realised that there are no 'perfect couples' - no 'soulmates' no single person out there for you (and no-one else.) We are all just imperfect folk (crooked staffs if you will) hoping to belong and be loved. Making long term R's work isn't easy and I have learned more about the stages of relationships and how they can go from bliss to disappointment, to misery and hopefully onto contentment.
I've also learned that both me and H are conflict avoiders - which meant very few arguments (which I thought was good) and lots of suppression (ah, not so good.)
I guess I'm trying to say that a more realistic view or our M's - of the people within them, the dynamic, our separate traits and flaws - can be useful in letting go of the 'perfect couple' belief.
Hope this helps and provides some food for thought xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
NYGal you have gotten to a place so quickly that I have been struggling to reach for over a year. why is it I can't let go?
I haven't let go either. I keep hoping the packed boxes will change her mind, but nope. I think letting go is the hardest thing. We might for a moment, or an hour, but then it all comes crashing back down on us. That's why i'm up at 4:30 in the morning posting like crazy. Sometimes it's the only thing we can do.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I don't think there is a difference!! (Just kidding.) I think the answer is to have a good look at the longer term picture. To what extent have these tendencies been there in the much longer term?
I think it is more likely to be MLC if there has been a significant personality change - ie: someone was very cautious and responsible previously and has become the polar opposite.
The good news with MLC is that the pendulum is likely to swing back towards more normal behaviour - though it may well take a good deal of time.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Once again, I become Sotto's parrot: I agree. It has to do with the pattern throughout life. If it's a sudden change, it's usually MLC. If it's a lifelong pattern....run! LOL
