I know I am late but would like to throw in my 2cents worth, especially as sex in marriages is probably one of the most underrated, understood and damaging forms of expression in any relationship.
We may not have sex with our partners for years and even criticize our partners for trying to initiate and go so far as to say it is not something we need and can go without.
If however we find out that our partner has a one night stand we consider it important enough to divorce them.
Small contradiction I think.
If it is something that is so important to only be shared by partners then it must be looked at in its real context from both pov and not selfishly.
Anyhow, I disagree with how some posters look at it as a form of expression of love exclusively or as an exclusive form of expression.
Sex cannot be the ONLY way of expressing love. There are other constant trivial forms that fill up the love tank in a man/woman. It should be one more form as well as the culmination. To not understand this is to run the risk of falling into the trap of making our partners believe we only touch them when we want sex.
JulieH told me something sometime ago that I had to make my wife FEEL desirable. Make her feel sexy. Wanted desired. The easiest and most ignorant option is at night wanting to hump her brains out. Wrong. I tried the approach she suggested of filling her love tank.
Small comments on how good she looks, small caresses, kisses on the neck, hugs from behind, sleeping close or spooning without initiating, making her laugh, letting her catch me looking at her, etc...
PLUS
Applying Sandis mention on respect, self confidence, etc ...
Does seem to work..
I guess my problem and that of many is that we have sex with our W but do not see them as a sex object. What I suppose JH was saying was to look at her like a woman like a stranger would. A sexual object, attractive and desireable. With the rules that she is our W but nevertheless as a woman and not just our W. Let's be honest, we expect to have sex with our W but how many times have we taken one step back and looked at them and said DAMN!!! mmmm, I want to tap that ...
I have become a firm believer of needing to spice things up if we are to have good sex. Especially if our sex life is suffering. I also believe that JH is right, our W can sense if we desire them.
I can say that from my own experience applying these techniques we ML the other night, she never complains about my compliments nor shys away from my caresses. I also have to learn to not over do it. Just get it right.
To be honest, I spent so much time resenting her and being afraid of initiating anything that I forgot she was a woman as she I a man. I remember she put her mouth as a whatsapp profile and I said I wasnt used to seeing her sensual side. She said it was always there. I replied that maybe it was but it was never available to me.
Note I say sex ...
I think we do have to separate ML and sex.
I am a firm believer that sometimes you want to make love and other times you want hot dirty sex. I dont think I need to go into detail on the difference and if you cant see the difference then I suggest you investigate as homework.
I also think sex as the ultimate is on a higher plane than ML. I think you have bad sex which is where a lot of marriages are at, then there is ML which is when things are OK and then there is good raw sex. The type where you are already eating your spouse with just your eyes and cant wait for the kids to go to sleep or out.
The type you book a hotel room for or spend some money on lingeries or toys.
