More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

I'm in one of those moments where everything seems to have stopped.

I was hustling all week at work, jamming to get off to a good start for January in my sales job. There was some family stuff in there earlier in the week, the last few days have been a lot of driving and a hotel as I put deals together around the outskirts of my territory.

Now today I am about to head to a pool tournament. It's the calm before the storm. I can see the fear welling up already. Lack of preparation. Lack of purpose.

I used to be younger. Didn't have the growing bald spot. Didn't have the love handles. I was young, in shape, focused, intense, hungry. And I was motivated to be the best I could be. All of it, all of it was driven to be an awesome man, one that XW would feel lucky to have.

Now I look in the mirror and I feel so unprepared. I don't have the reason to win. It just looks like a silly game. But that's the trap. Playing to have fun playing isn't actually playing the game. What makes pool, or any competition special, is committing to an outcome, then watching your entire being contort and transform to become the creature it needs to be to achieve that outcome. That's where magic happens, where you experience flow, superhuman achievements, amazing shots, moments where you feel part of something beyond yourself. Just showing up to hit balls and see what happens, that's not even pool.

But it all starts with a goal and a sense of purpose. I struggle to find my sense of purpose. It used to be for my wife. It fueled everything. I've been doing well overall, but times like this I feel the full impact of all of the losses I've had in my life. I am going into battle alone. If I suffer, if I fail, if I get broken down and destroyed, no one cares. The other losses are taking their toll. I woke up thinking of my chocolate lab. The best dog I've ever had. He was so big, and clumsy, and a bit dominant and aggressive with other dogs, but he was so loving to me, so protective, so loyal, I just wish I could explain to him now how much I love him too. Of course my marriage is gone. I can't see a road that leads to anything that will ever make that ok. I can handle that, but sometimes I think back to when we met, when I was 23, in good shape, breaking through into professional tournaments, rising up in the corporate world, working hard to give her a house, family, and the ability to raise the children, every day about trying to take care of her...those were the best years of my life. It's impossible to imagine anything that would compare, even though I understand the road ahead leads to places I can't see.

Then I think about the present. I keep screwing up. I don't know what to say sometimes. Jelly stopped posting. I couldn't find the right words. I still can't. Or maybe she's battling her own battles.

Now I'm afraid of how unprepared I am. I don't want to lose. And if I lose, I want to play my best and be outplayed. I don't want to be disengaged, distracted, washed up and weak. I haven't been competing, and everyone wants to beat me, and the competition is so tough. And I have people that believe in me, people rooting me on, people betting on me. I feel like telling them in advance how sorry I am if I can't get it done.

I remember being 17 at the poolhall, seeing all of these middle aged guys that were divorced, sick, broken families, drama, and I always wondered, why would anyone allow that to happen? I always thought I'd be different. I saw them talk about how they used to want to be great at pool too, and I thought I'd be different and would actually be the best in the world. Now I look and I've been beat down in every way, and it's just a matter of time before I get swallowed back up by the ground with the music I wanted to write unwritten. I feel like I'm playing an instrument that's out of tune, in my mind it is a beautiful melody, but when it comes out of me it sounds off key, people listening bustle by quickly because it is just off.

I feel like telling everyone. Kids. XW. Boss. Fans. All of you. I am trying me best. It isn't turning out the way I wanted.

But I won't give up. I'm going to try to find a purpose for the day. Maybe this is my purpose. Battling the specter of defeat, of mediocrity, finding a small moment in all of this disarray where I can let perfection and success and accomplishment flow through me. One moment that is ok. That's what I will look for today. And while no one cares, I will tell you so I know there is a witness to my suffering and struggles.

Taking a deep breath now. Time to get showered up, pack the bags, and hit the road south. Another deep breath. And another. Slowing down. One more.

Let's see if I can find some pool in me today.

I will be offline for a few days. Wishing you all the best. Take care.