Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Ancaire - I want to jump through the screen and give you a big hug.
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome. You are going through such a painful time and your emotions are running high and are all over the place, its easy to find yourself doing/saying things that are out of character for you. Many of us look back on the early days and cringe at what we did, so please don't feel alone in this, we all understand.
job, cadet and Sotto have given you great advice so far.
Looking after yourself in NO1 priority, you are no good to anyone if you get sick, so if you are worried about depression then go see your dr for help, eat well, sleep plenty and try get some exercise, even a walk in the fresh air is good for the soul right now.
Secondly is finances - this is an area that you should protect yourself in as much as possible. Mlc'er tend to get into debt, they spend without regard, so take advice about how to make sure your safe - don't fall for any verbal promises that he will look after you.
I know you want your h to feel the pain he is causing you but by being confrontational all that will happen is you will push your h further away. Right now his ONLY goal is to get out of your r, I know it sounds counterproductive but you need to let him go so he can work out what is going on inside his head, which believe me when I say he has no idea, he is confused, lost and seeking something but does not know what it is yet. No amount of you pointing it out will have any affect on him, he needs to do this on his own. And this is the hard bit; accepting that there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. But there is lots you can do for YOU, you can focus on yourself, allow yourself to grieve and then begin to heal, making yourself a stronger, happier and healthier woman.
Read others' threads, they may help you see similariteis with what you are feeling and going through. Post on them to draw others to your thread. You don't have to be full of advice if you dont have anything to say, you can just offer your support, as for all of us support is what gets us through this, just knowing there are people out there who care makes so much difference.
Ancaire, so sorry for your sitch sending you big {{{hugs}}} ... just keep breathing, you've been given great advice. You aren't alone - come here to vent when you want to react to H ... realizing you're depressed is the first step to getting yourself back on track. We are all here for you xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Your story has really touched me. You do not deserve any of this. I couldn't even imagine having raised 5 kids with a man and then watch him change so suddenly - wow that must have been so shattering.
I am a little confused as to why you are the one that needs to leave the family home?
From your writings it seems clear that the car incident was very out of character. Honestly even though I never did something like that to my ex, I can imagine doing something that crazy at the time of the bomb had been on medication or something. At the time he left there is a 4 month period I can bearly remember anything. I lost 25 lbs in 2 months. A friend had to tell me to start eating ice cream I looked so sickly.
Tina Fey says something like "Crazy is what men call woman they no longer what to sleep with"
I strongly strongly suggest Alanon. As much as these boards help me when I was at home and at night, Alanon led me to create a new network of friends in my community. Alanon is not just for those people effected by Alcohol some people also go because they have been effected by mental illness. Anyone can go to Alanon and you will be welcome. I think Alanon would be particularly good for you because you are concerned about your reputation because of the incident. I think Alanon would help you put that in perspective.
What your H is doing to you and your family is beyond awful. Continue to listen to your L advice and protect yourself financially. If you do the work on yourself in a few years you will be so far ahead of him you will want to have nothing to do with him.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks so much for the support! Let me try to fill in a couple of things.
We've been leasing this home since we moved to this area. The lease is up in March, and H has no intention to renew. I certainly cannot afford it by myself, even with spousal support - so that is the reason I am leaving.
The car incident was completely out of character. I am not a fighter at all. I've never even so much as broken a plate in anger. The things that have happened to me as a result of that just send me reeling. Knowing that my H and his friend conspired to put me in jail? It slays me. My H has admitted many times it wasn't something I was likely to do - he knows I was out of my mind. Nonetheless, he loves to bring it up, and refer to me as his "crazy-ass wife". I effectively took all focus away from his actions, and made myself look like the guilty person.
I have actually thought I would start going to Alanon. My father was an alcoholic, and there are things in my childhood I don't even think about - but being raised that way affected me. I think it led to the chronic depression. My father died in an horrific accident 5 years ago. I've still got so much unresolved regarding him, I though Alanon would be a great place to start.
H and I were getting along pretty great until I opened my mouth today. By "pretty great" I mean saying hi and bye, and asking and answering questions pleasantly. I won't go into all of it, but he wound up irritating me today. He came to my room and asked why, and I told him.
I acknowledged his reasoning but then found myself informing him we would not be friends. Ever since I started cooperating with him on the divorce, he's started acting like we're buddy-buddy. It's getting on my nerves, I guess, and I made that friendly-sounding statement.
I told him shortly after BD that if he continued down this path he could count on never seeing me again after we were divorced. I don't know what he's thinking anymore. Maybe he didn't believe me? But if he's intent to ruin my life, I don't see why I should have to be his friend. It's not a role I'm willing to play.
So, after I told him this, he demanded to know why, and I said that friends don't treat each other the way he's treated me. So, he slammed out of the house and went to wherever it is he goes when he's not home. He immediately started texting me, demanding to know exactly how it is he's treating me badly.
I've chosen to not answer him. If he can't figure out that abandoning me when I'm sick, cheating on me, lying to me, and betraying me by telling lies about me to anyone who will listen to him is poor treatment, I'm wasting my breath trying to tell him.
I accept that my priority is me right now. I'm just worried I've made an awful mistake as far as the future is concerned. Did I just slam the door, and make it impossible for him to come home? All I know is that I'm so hurt that I don't want to be his buddy. I'm his wife. He may get a piece of paper stating otherwise, but I don't accept it. I meant my vows when I said them. I just don't know what to do.
My plan is just to be mildly pleasant until I can leave, and then no contact. How on earth can he come home again if that's my attitude? I am so confused by this whole thing - I'm just following advice given to me on the forum...up to me, I keep making giant messes, so I've tried to make a point of asking before acting, and everyone seems to think I need to go NC.
do you have the book Divorce Remedy? Read Cadet's homework list. that's the best advice I can give you. Try to breathe. Try as much as you can not to act out. You will get through this. You've already gotten through so much. A big fat HELL YEAH to going to alanon.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I do have Divorce Remedy. I read it frequently. I'm great at giving advice to others, and completely hopeless when it comes to me. I'm sure it's because my view is limited from the middle of the storm.
Thank you for the positive encouragement on the Alanon! I need to stop putting it off. I just know when I start going, it's going to stir up a bunch of crap I'd rather keep buried. I went to Alateen as a youngster, so I'm familiar... I need to get IC set up as soon as I can, too. I think it would be best for me not to do one without the other.
