Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

Ancaire, you cannot start to understand how your thoughts are important to me.
I had to stop for a minute (or days).
Let's see.
This is what I believe in.
I believe in marriage. I believe that fighting for my family is a just cause.
I love this forum for many reasons, and one of them is that someone else will express my thoughts far better than I ever will be able to.
(This)

Self-sacrifice is not a popular concept in our world. Stories of faithfulness in the face of rejection or even just lack of something in return make the news because it's so rare these days.
Standing for a marriage that is in distress, particularly when one spouse seems to have wigged out is looked down upon by many as being enabling or being that doormat. Few recognize the honor in remaining true to your vows until the bitter end. Few have the stomach to truly endure the "worse" in "for better or worse."
(...)
In that light, a left behind spouse honors their marriage and their spouse by remaining their rock - that lighthouse that can lead the other home one day.
But damned if you don't go through some crap along the way.
Most people just aren't in to that kind of crap.

(From Zues)

The reason vows and commitment are so important to me is that they provide standards when our own standards might be suspect.
Kind of like laws, religious beliefs...they keep us in check and tell us the right way to behave when we feel like being destructive or selfish. We do what we believe is right as much of the time as we can.
Wedding vows are the same. "for worse, in sickness". All in the vows as FULL DISCLOSURE that things will be difficult. But that we are committing to remain true through that.
If the vows are just words then it becomes a matter of when we feel like leaving. To me that's not a marriage. That's a ride in the sunshine until it inevitably starts to rain.

Everything that is happening to me right now seems to serve a purpose in my life and that it is not just happening randomly.
I am reading the book "More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations", from Melody Beattie.
The meditation from January 4 reads:

God, help me be aware of my limits. Give me the strength not to compromise the values that I need to help me on my path.

Isn't this what you're trying to tell me, Ancaire?
But, besides having decided to DB for one year more, I have also decided to adhere to the "one year after D ruling" before dating again. I know I am not ready.
I haven't decided to let STBXW loose because of the woman I met. There is no cause-effect relation here. STBXW telling her father was, I think, the main cause. I realized nothing I do right now will stop her path of destruction, so I just have to let her walk her own path and let her find where it leads.
I want to invite this woman for dinner because I need to know myself better. If you have read my post describing my visit to the disco, you will know I have no confidence in me. I want to improve that aspect of my character, I want to test myself.
I don't want a relationship right now, although now that I am typing this I recall vividly STBXW and I lying in bed eighteen months ago and STBXW telling me "what you would really need is a woman who would have sex with you in all possible positions" after having rejected me for the hundredth time.
I don't want a relationship nor sex (despite my STBXW's advise, which I considered at the time as an insult - I would much rather have sex with her in all possible positions). I just want to have the strength and courage to invite this woman for dinner. I just want to find that I have it in me. If she accepts I want to have some pleasant moments with her and it stops there. This would make wonders to my ego.
I stopped being a man to my wife a long time ago. I would do anything to please her. I was a puppet wiggling my tail around her. Covert contracts were the norm through the last years of our marriage. Several times I should have taken the lead and told her "I want this from you". Other times I should have just acted without prior announcement (and I am not talking only about sex here).
I want to be confident, strong, leading. Even now my STBXW talks to me like I am a student and she is the teacher (she is a teacher). I want to change this through action.
And I hope this is not sounding as a lame excuse to have a date.