WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[NateG79]

That is encouraging to hear friend. I know I've got a very long road ahead. It's good to see hope. I believe today was the first day that I successfully dropped the rope, and didn't pick it up, and didn't give my WW any ammo to smash me with.

[JGuy]

Wow... trumpet, what a roller coaster you are on! Whatever it was about how you talked to her this morning, it worked!

[PigPen]

Well done Trumpet. Give yourself a pat on the back, take a deep breath, and just like you said, get to work brother.

Great job.

[G8r]

I'm happy for you Trumpet. Hope it's one of many steps in the right direction for you.

[Free]

Trumpet, I love reading post like this. There is hope in DBing. Not so much in my case anymore, but overall, there is.
Congrats on the positive turn of events.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Be well.

[trumpet]

My interactions with WW tonight were strange - to be expected.

She did find me in the basement - she worked late.

She expected me to be 'treat her like a human being'... I was using yes and no answers. I guess too cold for her liking.

I'm not trying to punish her. I did ask what are her expectations for the next weeks - and should I get anything in the mail from the D filing? She said she's stopped all the paperwork getting to me, but the motion was filed, so she has 60 days to serve me.

I think she was expecting me to jump up and down, and do a little WW worship. Instead, I've been indifferent to her gracious act of not serving me. I did ask if she had plans to be away in March - she does, with our D14 for a anime conference. I think that's when OM and her were going to meet. I mentioned if she had gotten a room - she has.

She's not over OM - no way. Ugh. She's going to have expectations that we're all 'back to normal'. Sooo far from normal now. She's beginning to get that. She has lots of personal growth ahead of her - and she doesn't know just how much. It's concerning her how I could be just fine beginning the D clock again. I want to save my marriage, but not in it's current form. I'm not trying to roadblock the recover effort, but I just don't trust anything she's saying - yet. Trust starts somewhere, but just 48 hours ago she was gung-ho, full speed ahead on the D, and now she's crying and unsure about everything.

Did something happen with OM? Did someone finally break thru? I guess that's conversations well down the road.

I mentioned I might be headed out by myself for a few days coming up. She seems concerned. I don't care.

Looking for advice from Sandi, or from anyone who has seen a last minute reconsideration by a WH/WW. Can I trust anything? Heck, it wouldn't surprise me to see her tell me tomorrow that she's calling first thing and having me served.

Thoughts from anyone would be appreciated. Glad I wasn't served, but getting put back in a holding pattern, with no clear goals from WW on what she wants isn't my idea of a good time.

[Zues126]

I think this is all spot on.

In my sitch WAW started showing signs of confusion, reaching out to me, starting R talks, being vulnerable...keep in mind, I had no idea she was wayward, black out drinking, and in a string of affairs because I had moved out. One night she called me sounding desperate to talk, that she missed the marriage. When she mentioned suicide I went over to the house...only to find the latest OM passed out in the bed, and her drunk as a skunk. She ended up attempting suicide that day.

Different sitch, but if there's one thing to take away it's this: What's going on in WW's mind is SO FAR away from anything we can imagine. I thought of my WW as being a good person in pain that was desperately making changes in her life to try to mix things up and feel better. That was true. Her thought process, though, was so crazy. When she talked to me it was insanity. I found her phone with facebook messages with 15 different guys, all different personalities. She would spew at me and try to beat her rationalizations and narratives into my head, again and again, and hasn't once asked about my thoughts or feelings in 18 months.

Bottom line, I take the stance guilty until proven innocent at this point. Trust nothing. Protect yourself. Set firm boundaries. Assume anything she says is a manipulation to either cake eat, keep you as a plan B, or get a more favorable settlement. It stinks, but this is the reality. If she is sincerly remorseful she will show you, and she'll understand you have reason to view things this way and will be PATIENT, CONSISTENT, and TRANSPARENT with her actions and attitude for a period of weeks and months. If she can't keep consistent for more than one or two interactions, then you know she's out of control and just acting on her feelings, which results in occasional exchanges that feel reminiscent of the woman you knew.

[trumpet]

I just gave Free advise to sit on his hands. I need to sit on mine for a few days right now.

I guess being 'neighborly' is proper right now. I completely went dark for those 3 days, and she noticed.
What is neighborly? I'll have to put some thought into that.

I did show her that I'm not letting my guard down. I looked through the WI parenting plan guide, and wrote things down for discussion. I also told her it would benefit us to probably talk about such things, just in case. I know that's putting pressure on her continuing to file, but I also told her I'd be here during these 60 days of 'super limbo' as I'm calling them, and here to talk. I did mention I loved her in our discussions - it was a judgement call, since she was showing me the courage to stop the process mid-beat.

The talking about divorce related things probably doesn't help my cause, but if Zues is right, it reinforces that I'm ready to go. She now knows very clearly now that I'm not going to beg and plead to stop the D.

I will need to really focus on detaching. thinking about every word I speak. But also show that I'm still the happy fun guy she married.

It's like walking on a razor.

[Zues126]

I don't know the tone of the 'i love you', but if it's how I am imagining it I like it. I am imagining it to be kind of matter of fact. Like, "Yes, you're my wife, I love you...it won't stop me from kicking you to the curb if you continue to behave this way, and I'm not so needy I'm going to enable you to destroy our lives, but yeah, I love you...anyway, what do you think of this online parenting calendar?" That's pretty cold blooded. Good job.

[trumpet]

cold blooded... lol.

Thanks, buddy. Appreciate all your help.

Time for bed. More fun tomorrow, I'm sure. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave!