A new way of thinking...

[JulieH]

Hi ancaire, I really don't know how to advise on this one for you or for me either and I will tell you why...

For myself, My instincts say no contact. Don't let him think he can abandon our family and keep me as a friend. Why go along with pretenses, delusions, denial ?etc. Reminds me too much of his mother (who I guess saved her marriage). I can see This is how you feel as well. This seems to be general consensus on boards and advised frequently.

But divorce busting coach tells me "act as if" and "be friends first" "friendship is the goal because he will be more committed" "make a climate that is relaxed and friendly. From a friendship, a lot of good things can come"

So I don't know what to think anymore. I am trying to go friendship route, but hard because i am angry. I understand that you are too.

DB coach also says for me to always think "what is purpose of what I want to do or say. Will it take me closer or further from my goal". I have not been saying anything about what I think of my husband to my husband. I post it all on these boards. I know even though I feel I am right, he will not feel that way so it is a waste of energy. I learned to not ask or talk about us anymore. I think you keep falling into the same pattern of getting angry and trying to get him to understand you, but he won't. It's just a waste and it will not get you the apology you desire. Put it in your mind that you will not get an apology for a year so why try to convince. I know This is much harder for you then me because you live with him.

Anyway, things are much too VOLATILE right now for you to discuss any relationship stuff, or how he is wrong, or the bigger picture because it has not helped and will not help. But it won't hurt to act "as if" without any pursuing. Not because you want him back, but maybe for the kids and because you are obviously the bigger person.