Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

We had the MC session today and it was mind blowing. I'll start from the beginning:

My W shared that she has really noticed that something is different over the past 4 days and has been feeling the emotional distance. She was feeling some emotional pain in her heart that she wasn't sure how to articulate, but wanted to explore that.

I took my turn, and I shared candidly what has changed for me: 4 days ago, I came to realize that as much as I love her and wanted to work on saving the M, I realized that it just wasn't possible right now with all the trust issues and with the way that she has been acting. So I decided to let go of my W and shift into taking care of myself. I said that I have actually been feeling much better since this decision to let go (which is true) and that I also recognize that it would be wise to take things slowly and gently and not burn any bridges out of anger or fear, so that the process can unfold organically as we both learn whatever we need to from this experience. My W agreed and this became a point of alignment for the rest of the session.

My W then took at stab at articulating the emotional pain she has been feeling. She said that she is really scared about letting go herself because she feels like I have been the main anchor in her life. She is very frightened about what her life would be like without me, and she feels like if she lets go too, she will just fall forever and she doesn't know if she will ever land. The MC encouraged her to slow down, breathe, and realize that she is supported by kind people around her, including me. The MC encouraged her that now would be a good time to slow down, stop looking for an anchor outside herself, stop trying to escape, and focus on doing the inner work to find an anchor within herself. My W admitted that she had never felt that before in her entire life and had always felt like she was a leaf being blown around by the wind of other people's decisions. She really wanted to change this, but couldn't imagine how.

I took this opportunity to state my support for what the MC was saying. I told her that I would be OK no matter what happens and that I was feeling a different kind of love for my W in that moment. I genuinely wanted my W to have the opportunity to experience finding an anchor in herself so that she could finally experience the freedom of really choosing what she wanted instead of feeling blown around like a leaf in the wind by others' decisions. This allowed me to clearly see how my holding onto the M was interfering with a natural process that was unavoidable. I could see how we are in exactly the right place now that I am letting go. The MC agreed with me and encouraged us to both continue letting go, focusing on ourselves, and resisting any urges to escape or avoid the pain.

My W then proceeded to share something that surprised both me and the MC: She said that things have changed between her and the OM. As soon as it was no longer a secret for her to contact the OM, as soon as I had let her go, there was no longer any M to escape from. She finally felt the freedom to choose what she wanted, but realized that she had no idea what she wanted! She is no longer certain whether or not she is really interested in the OM. They have been in contact, but it is different - friendly but not romantic, she says. Something has changed.

The MC was very curious about this and they explored it further. What came to light is that much of the excitement that was motivating her to pursue the affairs was the very act of rebellion and secrecy. The MC encouraged my W to see how this was rooted in father issues. My W shed many tears as she admitted the truth of this pattern. Her emotions have been dominated by unresolved childhood stuff, and the MC asked her to imagine what it would be like if she was finally free to choose what she wanted for herself, not out of a reaction to others whom she is projecting those childhood patterns onto, but out of a true sense of who she really is as an individual and what she really wants, out of freedom. My W wanted this so badly, but could see she needed a lot of help. It was a very powerful moment and I am honored to have witnessed it.

For me, this provided all the answers I could have ever asked for. One of the hardest things for me in the past 2 months has been that I just haven't been able to understand how my W could possibly betray me in the way that she did. Now I think I am beginning to understand. It's really complex how emotions work, and how these unconscious childhood patterns can run your life. I am seeing the possibility of forgiving her now that I am starting to understand what's going on. I have no idea where this train is going, but I'm glad to see that it is finally moving.

By the end of the session, my W was in complete agreement with the MC that the right thing to do is take it slow, put the M recovery work on pause, and focus on ourselves. My W was no longer saying "it's over" like she was several days ago when we last talked about the R, but it's clear that something much bigger is going on here and that all bets are off. My sense is that we will come out of this very different people from who we were before. I feel clearer than ever about continuing to let go. Now I also feel like I understand what my W is going through, and I can even support it from a distance.

Wow. Feeling grateful.

[trumpet]

She might realize how much love you put into the R once she's healthy, and realize how much love she's had for you. Healing the R could come way more easily than you think, IF she works on herself.

If she's taking the time for herself, please devote every day to a better JGuy.

There's always a chance it won't work out. Detaching from being dependent will give you the opportunity to want to be there, not NEED to be there.

We all need relationships - we all need friends. I feel most of us really want to be married - to have someone so close to us we feel as one with them. So detaching doesn't mean to become a robot, a shell of a person. Quite the contrary - you'll understand your feelings, and act on them appropriately.

[Azzork]

My W then proceeded to share something that surprised both me and the MC: She said that things have changed between her and the OM. As soon as it was no longer a secret for her to contact the OM, as soon as I had let her go, there was no longer any M to escape from. She finally felt the freedom to choose what she wanted, but realized that she had no idea what she wanted! She is no longer certain whether or not she is really interested in the OM. They have been in contact, but it is different - friendly but not romantic, she says. Something has changed.

The MC was very curious about this and they explored it further. What came to light is that much of the excitement that was motivating her to pursue the affairs was the very act of rebellion and secrecy. The MC encouraged my W to see how this was rooted in father issues. My W shed many tears as she admitted the truth of this pattern. Her emotions have been dominated by unresolved childhood stuff, and the MC asked her to imagine what it would be like if she was finally free to choose what she wanted for herself, not out of a reaction to others whom she is projecting those childhood patterns onto, but out of a true sense of who she really is as an individual and what she really wants, out of freedom. My W wanted this so badly, but could see she needed a lot of help. It was a very powerful moment and I am honored to have witnessed it.

For me, this provided all the answers I could have ever asked for. One of the hardest things for me in the past 2 months has been that I just haven't been able to understand how my W could possibly betray me in the way that she did. Now I think I am beginning to understand. It's really complex how emotions work, and how these unconscious childhood patterns can run your life. I am seeing the possibility of forgiving her now that I am starting to understand what's going on. I have no idea where this train is going, but I'm glad to see that it is finally moving.

I suppose Im glad at how this unfolded.

But Im pretty sure weve been telling you the bolded part up there for months. You can talk about the hows and the whys and the emotional history from childhood all you want, but it doesnt really matter. The next actions are the same regardless as to why she might be making the choices she is.

Hopefully, for your sake, you can continue down your path the same as before.

[JGuy]

I suppose I'm glad at how this unfolded.

But I'm pretty sure we've been telling you the bolded part up there for months. You can talk about the hows and the whys and the emotional history from childhood all you want, but it doesn't really matter. The next actions are the same regardless as to why she might be making the choices she is.

Hopefully, for your sake, you can continue down your path the same as before.

Perhaps this is a difference in philosophy... It sounds like you are saying that it doesn't really matter what I learn or come to understand, and that all it matters is that I take the right actions. I have a hard time accepting that point of view. To me, it's all about the process of learning. The actions will be empty unless they come from a genuine place of understanding. To achieve true understanding, I needed to learn things in my own way. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but this is what feels right for me. There's something beautiful about the process of learning that is lost when one tries to take a short cut and just "do the right thing" according to what others say. For better or worse, that's my point of view. If I end up losing my M because I made mistakes that were necessary in order for me to deeply learn from my own experience, then I wouldn't regret that or blame myself for the loss of the M. Neither should you or anyone here, IMO.

As for my learning process, the thing that finally showed me that I needed to let go was the realization that snooping was damaging how I felt about myself. Initially, I made the decision to continue holding on by snooping, which was the only way that I could verify that my W was being honest in not contacting the OM. I knew that since she wouldn't voluntarily give me her passwords, this was my only remaining option if I was to continue trusting and holding on. I learned from that experience and made a decision that I could not snoop anymore, and so I had to accept that letting go was the only remaining option, since trust just wasn't possible otherwise. So now I am letting go with a very solid sense of why it is necessary. This is showing me exactly where my boundaries belong, what I can and can't control.

So there you go. I seem to be on the right track so I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day. I hope that my reflections will help you guys to understand why I am stubborn about following my own compass. But just like my W, I can't control what you choose to believe... So if you don't agree, I let go. :-)

[JGuy]

Now for today's update. I woke up feeling sad, lost, aimless, depressed. I accepted these feelings and didn't try to escape from them, but trusted that the feelings would change as the day continued. They did!

I ended up having a fantastic day at work. This week, I deeply connected to several people whom I work with for the first time. This whole M crisis has cracked me open emotionally, has made me a more empathetic person, and is having ripple effects in all of my other relationships. By the end of the day, I was feeling wonderful about myself, saw that I'm really a great person with amazing gifts to give the world, and that I have a solid life purpose that is fulfilled by my career. I have so much to be thankful for!

I haven't mentioned this before, but I am a manager for a software development team that creates a well known product. It is a high profile job which I am very good at. This is the main place where I have been GALing. Recently, I have been experimenting with introducing some progressive team-building activities that I am very passionate about.

Here's the gist of it: I have big visions of a new kind of workplace where people are happy, engaged, and have meaningful relationships with their co-workers where they don't just earn a paycheck, but can learn about themselves and experience real personal growth while making great products at the same time. This unconventional approach to management embraces the whole person as a vehicle for improved performance, instead of treating the workplace as a place where employees should hold to rigid ideas of what it means to be "professional". My heart and mind are unified in the belief that this will improve alignment, teamwork, morale, retention, and performance. I have been cultivating this vision for several years privately, without talking to anyone about it for fear that my ideas will be rejected as being too "out there". Only recently have I started gaining enough courage to actually voice these ideas and start making bold moves to introduce them in my team.

This week, I organized an alignment exercise in which all team members meet 1:1 with every other team member. The main point of this is to get to know each other better so that we can improve trust, communication, etc. I did this exercise with two of my reports earlier this week and both of them went amazingly well, blew away my expectations, and brought us much closer to really understanding each other.

Today I did this with our team's product manager and it was the most intense of all. I revealed to her the details of my vision for the first time. When I told her about my heroic hopes of making a huge difference in our workplace by showing people a better way, I got so emotional about it that I actually started crying. This was a first for me at work. I have always been afraid of showing my true self at work so this was a really big deal for me. With courage I broke through the shame and told her how much I love everyone I work with, how much I want to empower them with the freedom to be awesome and create a safe space for them to learn and discover themselves at work. She was moved by how much I cared and was very supportive of the ideas. She shared many kind and encouraging words with me and I now feel more aligned with her than ever. I have a new ally and friend at work, and I feel less alone! Free from the prison of my own fears that have always held me back at work, finally!

So here's a little secret. I want the same for everyone here on the DB forums. I love you all! If only I knew how, I would give this gift to the entire world. Some deep part of of me knows that the whole reason I came here to this planet was to do exactly this. I have no idea how I'm going to do it or who is going to join this cause with me, but I know I want to be part of some really big change that brings love into all the places where it is most needed in this cruel, selfish world. I want to be a hero and I humbly pray for guidance to show me how I can serve and make a real difference. If I can achieve this in my life, I know I'll die in peace when my days here are done. If I can achieve this, it will take away all my sorrows and it will make the tragedy of this situation with my W seem so small and insignificant.

[Zues126]

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I too am an extremely sensitive person. I am very introverted, and only had a few close friends my entire life.

In 2011 I became a supervisor. Boundaries were not natural for me. Maybe I have a personality disorder of some type, maybe I was just lonely, not sure. Anyway, I remember being in awe of how amazing it was to have these other people working with me, each with their own lives, each with their own experiences. I wanted to have a family at work, to share my success with them and make them successful as well, to have fun while we served our clients.

This story does have a happy ending, but it starts rather bumpy.

It didn't work at first. I will tell you that I was chewed up and spit out. My employees learned that conflict, disapproval, disappointment, and negative feedback emotionally hurt me. They started to manipulate me unintentionally. In turn I 'spoiled' them, I wanted to make it a good work force and was focused on doing what I could to make it better, as a result they started focusing on what they wanted that they didn't have, and would be upset with me for not being able to change things they didn't like out of their control.

Some of my employees that I at first thought of as positive I learned were actually a cancer, they'd always talk about these idealistic ideas of how things should be, but the end result was they were so frustrated with how things were that they would complain, blame, and become very disengaged. As a leader I was going through the same thing. I wanted this Utopian work place, this dream team, but when I saw how little some of my employees cared about that, and how they didn't want to be there, or would complain about everything, it hurt me that they wouldn't want to make it the best it could be. Sometimes my very idealism would cause so much pain I struggled and ended up making a negative impact. There were even times I depended on my team emotionally for support, a big no-no as a supervisor (for the most part).

I did some great things. Inspirational addresses to the department that were very powerful, and made a big difference for retention and morale. Etc. But it always hurt that no one seemed to really care. I wrote a poem about that spoke of loneliness and disillusionment. Talking about the joy of spending time with my best friends, only to see the clock turn 5 and I rub my eyes and they were only actors, and now they are walking off the set, and stuff like that.

No, it didn't go well. I tried to resign, I thought I'd do better leading from a production role, showing what was possible. My boss's boss kept me together and told me that I'd adapt.

And I did. I developed better boundaries. I found that when I stopped caring what my team thought of me and whether they were happy, they became happier. If they complained about something that wasn't changeable, I'd just laugh and ask them how that was going to make them feel better about their job. Of course I was always deeply interested in their well being, and I was always safe to talk to, but I found that because I was stronger, my employees did better because they could count on me to be a rock.

Eventually I found a hybrid, tough on the outside, soft on the inside. Idealistic enough to strive for Utopia. Realistic enough to be able to accept the limitations of our world. And finally, somewhere around 2013, I hit my stride. My team became a wonderful place to be. My co-workers and I knew each other's styles. We played and had fun. We developed inside jokes, we pranked each other, we laughed at the absurdity of corporate life, all while jamming and making great things happen. It was truly a blast.

Why do I share? First, I want you to know I appreciate you being here and I'm glad to have you as part of our family. Second, I am really excited for your breakthroughs. I am confident you're more experienced than I was in the beginning, and you won't make the mistakes I made. Don't get discouraged if the reality doesn't live up to your vision, same goes for if we fall short on this forum. Striving for the heavens is a noble endeavor because we'll get further than if we didn't, as long as we don't become negative about where we fall short and are instead appreciative of what we can achieve. Finally, the same way having boundaries and being detached to my employees allowed me to be a better boss and ultimately have a better relationship with them, so too is a WAS, and I find it very funny how similar they are. I'm starting to think I had the same issues in my marriage (no boundaries, co-dependency, high expectations that were impossible to achieve). If you can take the good and leave the bad you will make great things happen at work and in your personal life.

[JGuy]

Thank you for sharing all of this Zeus. I did read that part of your thread where you expressed feeling the same way as me. I feel encouraged by the fact that you have been through such a similar sitch. I want to go back and read more of your story now!

I think it's easy when communicating on these forums to misread each other, draw assumptions too easily, and misinterpret words. For that reason, I forgive easily. I don't hold grudges. I hope that folks will understand why I don't take very well to 2x4's in the face. If you see the opportunity to deliver a 2x4, I would ask you the favor of tying it in a pretty bow and leaving it on my doorstep. :-)

[JGuy]

Last night, I experienced a backslide in my process of detachment. I made attempts to reach out and hang out with 3 different friends after work, but all 3 of them had other plans. I needed a friend and didn't want to be alone on Friday night. At home later, I felt like watching a movie. My W and I had been dark with each other since the MC session earlier in the week. Wanting to not be so cold and distant, I thought of inviting her to watch the movie with me. I hesitated at first, not sure if I could trust myself to resist trying to connect with her in a way that might cause a detachment backslide. I thought that watching a movie might be fine, however, given that we are on good terms. After all, it may be helpful to just spend some pleasant time together without talking about the R. I decided to go ahead and invite her, but I was careful to choose some movie options that were NOT romantic movies. We ended up watching "The Book Thief".

Well, it was a great movie, we both loved it. But movies have been making me cry recently, and I couldn't hold back the tears at a couple of points near the end. I didn't look at my W or seek any closeness from her at all, I just let those moments happen. She definitely noticed, and as she always has, she found my sensitivity endearing. Since my tears had nothing to do with her and were more about the movie, I wasn't overly worried about it, but secretly, the movie did open up all kinds of feelings about her.

After the movie, we said good night and she went downstairs. I was flooded with emotions about how much I love my W. I cried, much more deeply, alone. I did so silently, so that my W would not hear. I could see how my heart was still very attached to her and has only begun the first baby steps of the grieving process of really losing her. I felt so much sadness and compassion for myself as I witnessed my experience fully. It was both painful and beautiful. I felt proud of myself for having such a strong and resilient heart, but also afraid because I didn't want to be slipping backwards and attaching again.

Then I heard my W's footsteps, and I stopped my tears. She came into my office. She could tell. She hugged me and said "I'm so sorry" two or three times. I tried to just remain silent because I didn't know what to say. It was so hard, it just felt so wrong not to say anything and just remain aloof and not respond to her at all. Despite the image in my mind of Zeus waving a 2x4 at me, I chose to speak. I tried to speak with honesty but while also taking responsibility for my own feelings. I said "I really need to let go of you. I have been doing so, but right now, I'm slipping". My W said "Me too". She was also crying. We were silent for awhile, then our hug ended and she went to bed.

I had so much more that I wanted to say to her, to show her what I was holding in my heart during this time of trying to let go. Knowing myself and how my emotions work, I knew that I wouldn't be in touch with these feelings later, and if I was going to capture them well, I would have to express them now. So I wrote her a letter. While writing it, I thought that perhaps I may never give it to her at all and it would just be for myself. Or if I did, it would be later, once she was fully back "in".

The gist of the letter was to tell her some of the things that I would have done if history had played out differently and I had known that she was struggling alone with dissatisfaction in our R, 5 years ago when things first started to go downhill with her feelings for me. I wanted her to know what kind of man I am, how I would have respected her right to have these feelings and how I would have gracefully supported her freedom to do whatever she needed to do to honor the process she needed to go through, to figure out what she wanted. I would have taken my own co-dependent patterns more seriously and would have sought help to work on myself. Ultimately, if she had concluded that I wasn't the right man for her, then out of love for her, I would have wanted her to be free, and I would have let go. The point of the letter was that I wanted to show her the kind of man I am, that I am a safe person to be honest with, that my love for her transcends the M and my own personal needs. Her fear of being honest is what led to all of the betrayal and affairs, after all.

I tucked the letter into my journal and went to bed.

[JGuy]

Time for a recap of my sitch. For those of you don't remember these details from my first thread, I want to reiterate them now since they are relevant to how I am choosing to handle things moving forward.

My W's pattern was that from the beginning of our R, she was always positive, hiding anything negative, including her waning attraction to me and her doubts about the M from the beginning. She even hid the fact that she never wanted the pregnancy of our S who is now 7! She even talked to the midwife about it, and the midwife never told me. By hiding all of this, she never gave me a chance to show her that I would have been empathetic, would have genuinely cared and would have wanted to respect her feelings and work through things before moving forward. Her decision to hide all of that caused a huge wedge that doomed our M from the beginning and caused it to be built on faulty ground, without me even knowing it. She is quite the actress and hid it very effectively for all these years. I had no idea, other than noticing her fading attraction to me starting 4 years ago, which I asked her about many, many times, insisting that if there was anything wrong, we should really try to work through it together. I told her that I wanted to be supportive. She just avoided it, insisted everything was fine, and could never bring herself to tell me all that she had been hiding for years. In my naivety, I concluded that she must just have deep intimacy issues which she was in denial about and couldn't even see in herself. What she did always communicate to me is that she felt deeply unworthy of love, and could never imagine loving herself. This worried me, and I was always her cheerleader and encouraged her to get help changing that belief, but she just never believed that she could and so she never even tried. Out of love for her, I always chose to be patient, kept loving her and accepting the lack of emotional intimacy that resulted from what I perceived to be some very difficult childhood issues. I trusted that one way or another, life would find a way of leading her to a place where she could finally heal. I just focused on being a good H.

During these last 3 months when my W finally came out with the truth about the PA that started 2 years ago and the more recent EA, she has repeatedly said that I am a wonderful man, great father and provider, and she insists that her lack of attraction to me has everything to do with her and nothing to do with me. She sees herself as fundamentally flawed, unlovable, unworthy of a man as good as me. She describes the OM as nowhere near as good for her as I am. He is a womanizer with more than one OW in the wings, including an ex that he hasn't detached from. He is financially a mess, almost bankrupt. But something about his flaws, how similar he is to how she feels about herself is what draws her to him. So unlike some of the other WW's that my fellow DBers have had to deal with, mine has very little negative things to say about me. There is none of the nasty hate or blaming me for the failure of the M. She entirely blames herself and is ready to jump off the plank. She has a seriously tragic story in her mind about herself that she cannot shake off, and even though she is poised to take down our M and our family with her, she is basically walking the plank and ready to jump off. Where she's at right now is that she is hesitating, not wanting to do it, wishing that she could find some other way, but is deeply skeptical that she could ever have what it takes to deal with all the daunting self-work that it would take to heal the roots of her self-hatred.

At this juncture, I continue to fluctuate between A) holding on with patience and love, hoping that this very experience of betraying me is exactly what will push her into finally facing her issues and working on herself, and B) wondering if I extended myself way too much for all this time and should have realized much sooner that she is a very messed up person which I should focus on protecting myself and my son from.

I think that sums it up. End recap.

[JGuy]

This morning I woke up with strong feelings of wanting to continue holding on and hoping that I can get through to my W. I felt like our exchange the night before had really caused me to backslide in my process of detachment, but my heart and all of these feelings just have so much power over me. I feel like such a hopeless romantic who will just never give up...

While packing and getting ready to head out skiing with friends this morning, I was thinking a lot about that letter I had written to her the night before, which I had tucked away in my journal and decided not to share with her. I still really wanted to share it with her so badly. I felt it was really important for her to know how I felt, since it was such an important ingredient that might help her to see that she doesn't need to fear being honest. Not now and not ever. Perhaps it would help her. Maybe enough to save our M. But I wanted to detach, I didn't want to muddle things up anymore... I was so uncertain. Should I share the letter with her? I could just see the 2x4's coming at me again!

I was halfway out the door, ski gear in hand, when I caved. I didn't care. My heart was throbbing. I wanted to give her the letter for her own sake, regardless of whether or not it saved our M. I love her and I want her to heal and be free of her demons. Maybe our M cannot be saved, but I can still play the part that I was always meant to play in her life, to tell her my truth. To be a lighthouse that she might see through her fog. I went back, grabbed the letter, and gave it to her.

I had an awesome day skiing with friends, even made a few new ones. I forgot about her, found my way back to detachment, and came home feeling good about everything. When she saw me, we talked about some plans for tomorrow regarding our son. As I was walking away, she stopped me, thanked me for the very kind words in my letter, and said that there was much she wanted to say but didn't know how yet. She said it would have to wait until she had time to write a letter back to me.