Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

IP, it's been too long since I posted on your thread.

It has! Thank you so much for returning. I have missed your sound advice.

I just posted on Rain's about texting/emailing. You SHOULD be hard on yourself about this. You control it. Hold out your hand. (harmless slap) Stop it. There. Now cut it out

OK, so that was to be expected (rubs slapped hand).

How can I contemplate R with a person who is prepared to do that to his kids?

You will feel this way a lot. More as you lose hope in R, and you start getting angrier about the pain you're in. Don't listen to these thoughts. I know you won't. Just a reminder in advance. Most people go through a phase of diagnosing their WAS. You might too. Just don't stay there. MLC links are helpful for a moment, but not if they take the focus off of what you can control...YOU.

OK, this has confused me somewhat. Why do you say not to listen to these thoughts? Because I want build a happy M with H? Or because I shouldn't be angry? Or because I'm asking questions to do with H? Or another reason?

You did well to not send the letter though. Still, it was therapeutic, and if you reread it you will see where you need to work on you:

Thanks. It is still killing me not sending it though. I am tempted every single day.

I truly feel your emotions and am touched by them. From a WAH perspective, however, this is controlling. It is further not respecting his wishes to be free of you. You'd be trying to stay emotionally attached, sharing feelings, staying close, sharing your point of view, trying to get him to share his with you. He would feel that your forgiveness and an apology is a manipulation to try to get one in exchange. Most of all, he would see you as trying to prove you can change in an effort to convince him to come work on the marriage, in other words all attempts at control for you to get what you want...the very problem that drove him away!

I do see what you're saying in your analyses of the letter and how H would see it. Although...when H first dropped his ILYBNILWY bomb and was still in the house I wrote a letter not too dissimilar to this one but it also included an idea that he could get some space to think by moving into my parent's house for a couple of weeks while they were away. He read it and gave me the biggest hug ever and said, "I'm not going anywhere." So, that incident and his reaction to that letter is what tempts me to send one now. Maybe he would react well to it? Maybe he is thinking it strange that I don't reach out to him? Maybe he is hurt by not reaching out to him? He seemed put out the other day that I didn't respond to one of his texts!?!?!

Again, it's a beautiful and touching letter, clearly stating your feelings and point of view. Only problem being is he doesn't want your feelings or point of view, or you trying to demonstrate how things would be different and you could make him happy if he does what you want.

I know. I am struggling with acceptance of the situation I am in. Still waiting for a life belt.


quote=Zues126]I will admit, I have a letter I wrote that DB asked me: Why can't you EVER EVER send that? And she wouldn't let me change the subject until I had given her all the answers I just gave you.[/quote]

Thank you for sharing your answers with me. I do really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

So nice letter, good job not sending it...now really let that sink in. Please follow my email/text advice to Rain. And feel free to post tough text messages to reply to here.

I am trying really hard to do that. I have trouble with the time difference as I am in UK so sometimes when I post I don't get a reply and then I end up just going ahead with things without advice.