Late to the game

[Free]

Just venting now:
I am torn beyond belief. I've been quiet around my friends and family that knew our situation because they all told me to leave her at various times. Instead of listening, I just stopped talking to them because I didn't want to hear what they were saying. They were all right.
I needed to man up much earlier, but was afraid to drive her further away. Now, I need to drive her away. I guess it's more driving myself away from her.
I've written letters and things I wanted to say if we did have any conversation about the future. They are all in a folder, still unseen by her. It was all persuing and I knew it, so I never used any of it. Now, I'm second guessing everything I've done since BD.
Before I became involved on this site, I found another site that said to file immediately when you hear ILYBNILWY. It wasn't what I wanted at the time, so I never considered it. That may have been a huge mistake.
Sorry all. Just need to get my thoughts out so my head does not explode.

[Free]

I just went back and re-read sandi's WW post. I had read it before, but I thought I was dealing with a WAW at the time.
I need to toughen up now, without being a jerk. I don't want my kids to see me that way. I don't consider what I am about to do as "tough love", as I do not love her right now. It needs to be done to separate myself from her in every way but emotionally. That will still take time.
I always knew an OM was a possibility, but I just never saw how it was possible. She hid it well.
Now, I need to hide my anger just as well. I know myself enough to know that I cannot be near her today. I won't be able to hold my emotions in. Not today at least.

[Free]

I've decided to do nothing right now and stfu. Best to sleep on this and not make any bad emotional decisions.
I'm leaving for the night. No way I can see her today. I told my kids that I'm going to a friends house to help him with some remodeling work and I'll be home in the morning.
I'll be at a hotel putting my plan together. Not sure how it will look, but it must include two things, protecting myself/my children and ending this mess of a M.
Not what I hoped for, but I need to dump her a$$ immediately.

[Free]

Tough day today. Toughest by far since BD. Here's what I've come up with so far.
1- I do still love her, but I'm not sure why. Maybe just habit and not really love? We've known each other most of our lives. As far as relationships, she is all I know.
2- I do not think I can ever get past being cheated on. I try to understand her mindset and how this all happened. To a large extent, I do. I'm not condoning it in anyway, but I get it. Over the years, we've had friends that cheated on their spouses and both my wife and I felt that if things were so bad, get divorced before you cheat. I still feel that way, but my STBXW apparently does not.
3- The marriage between us is over and I will file next week. Spoke to my L today. He is a friend and has given me advice along the way (mostly, don't get divorced advice). He is still against it and says it is still to early to rush into D.
4- I will remain neighborly throughout the next few days, while I shut off and cancel everything we have concerning joint bills. She will probably find out about all of this when she tries to gas up her car. The same car that will have no insurance as of tomorrow.
5- Custody and joint assets- Long talk with L about all of this today. It can and most likely will get ugly. There are certain things that we will both want and will fight for. I am taking the L advice and will not speak to her about anything I want. He will be the bad guy, not me.
6- I will not leave my home under any circumstances.
7- It's time that we speak to our children. When I've brought this up in the past, W refused. I will speak to them without her. They are all old enough and they can see what is happening here. As I said in previous post, they say nothing about it in the hopes it will just go away. One of my kids knows more than the other two. We talked about it soon after BD and I told him everything would be ok. At the time, I still had hope. A month or so later, things were getting worse. He could sense it also. He asked me to not give up, and I didn't. He's never said a word about any of it since then.
I plan to tell them that we are getting divorced and that none of this is their fault in any way. I will own my mistakes that contributed to this and I will tell them that everything will be ok and that I love them. I will not speak about W except to say that I know she loves them also.
That's all I have for now.
Rope officially dropped.
There is a hotel bar downstairs. I'm not a drinker at all, but I just may indulge this evening to take the edge off of this monumentally bad day.
If you have any thoughts or opinions on my plan, please send them. I'm open to tweaking, as needed.

[trumpet]

Free,

My wife filed on the 7th. She's in an EA. Read up on my sitch if you want.

You're on a divorce-busting website, and now telling us you're going to file. Anger takes a hold of all of us here. The violation you feel is emmense. I get it. I was absolutely nuts the first 24 hours. In crisis mode - steam out of my ears.

I think you need more than a night to think about this. And at least a month before you file.

Mowgli had a similar sitch, wife went very cold, and later was OM, who turned out to be very off-kilter. Your wife might be cold because her conscious can't handle the truth - she did wrong to you and the family. Some overcompensate with affection and sex - sounds like yours did the opposite.

You might not want to save the marriage now, but in a week - you might see the hope that many of us see after a bit of time.

What's a couple days in your life? I know, mental anguish is at an all-time high.

I'm of the opinion that you need to talk to your wife about this, but when you can talk calmly to her. The vets here can probably give you better specifics on how to do that, for maximum effect, if you want to save the marriage.

Please give it some time. You put 22 years into this relationship - would a day a year be enough time to get your feet under you, and then make a call?

[Sotto]

Trumpet is right Free. I'm so sorry for the recent discovery of OM - that's painful - one of the most painful things we ever get to experience.

However, feeling that pain doesn't make this the right time to make big decisions. You feel like this today, but you may feel differently in a week's or a month's time.

There is nothing to lose by dropping the rope - but please don't file for D in haste. Many R's can and do survive infidelity. It isn't easy for sure, but it can be done.

Maybe tell yourself - I will do nothing this month and will start working through the pain. Then I will review and see where I'm at.

Remember, we don't get to control what others are doing, but our reaction is ours to own. Make sure your reaction is one that, years down the line, you will feel at peace with.

Take care my friend xx

[Free]

Thank you both for your responses. Between the two of you and my L, that makes 3 people asking me to hold off.
I don't know if I can get past this or even sure if I want to anymore.
Trumpet, when you say to talk to her, do you mean about the discovery? Not sure if I could do that at any time soon. Just the thought of what she is doing makes me sick and angry. To discuss it with her would only make the emotions and feelings worse. She does not know that I am aware of it.
Sotto, I waited, thought, and decided to leave yesterday because I knew my reaction was going to be bad if I went home. I feel no different at the moment, yet I have to go home today. If I faked it before, a non-reaction today would be academy award material.
You are both correct in saying that now is not the time to make any major decisions. I'm at the 20 hr mark since discovery yesterday. I will take more time to process what I need to do.
I am in no rush and I haven't been since BD. That was before OM. In my mind, this changes everything. As they say, the mind is a terrible thing.
Ill be heading home soon. I'll do my best to stay calm and cool, but there will be no talkIng to her.

[Free]

So, I came home today. Walked in and W was watching tv. I smiled, said hello (of course there was no response), and went into my bedroom.
Then, I cried into my pillow for about 15 minutes. I got myself together and asked my S and D to come outside and shoot some hoops for a while. We had fun.
When it was over, they went back inside. I told them I had to go shopping and left.
I had nowhere to go, but I knew I couldn't go back into my house with her there.
Im staying at a friends house until late tonight, then I'll go home.
This is not DB'ing. I don't know what it is. I just know I can't be near W now that I know there's an OM. It's beyond difficult to hold in everything I want to say to her. If I spoke to W about my thoughts today, our M would be over immediately.
I'm back to where I was yesterday. Not sure if I want to continue this anymore.
I need more time to process everything.
My feeling is that my W chose her path and now I'm stuck on it with her trying to keep my M and family together. There is NO bigger transgression than what she has done.
Why should I continue on her path?
Even if by some miracle she wanted to try working on M at some point, there is no way she could ever hit the levels of trusts that I would need now.
Yet, I still cry over it.
This whole thing just [censored].

[Free]

I spent last night reading DR again. Only this time, I read it as the LBH to a WW. The OM revelation still has me reeling, but I'm coming to terms with it as the hours pass. I've decided to take everyone's advice and not make panic decisions. I'm back to square one again. I need to sleep, eat and relax. That is priority #1 right now.
No matter how many times I read the statement "DB is for you, not to save your marriage", I didn't see it that way. Expectations were always there. I'm beginning to see it now.
Saving your marriage through the techniques shown in DR and on this site is only a POSSIBLE side effect. No guarantees. We need to save ourselves first BEFORE anything positive can happen. It's as simple as that.
I am going to start this process over with a new mindset.

[vise82]

Hey Free,

Sorry to read about OM, I think you are on the right path with starting new process with new mindset. I think this is what happens with each new BD event. Its like starting over with DBing and the past work makes the new BD easier to get past.

If you can stay on the path of dropping the rope and working on yourself and your new life then you will be in a good place. I had trouble with that and still do. What you wrote in the last paragraph is so true , try to have no expectations of saving the marriage. Use this time you have to your advantage.