Still on the first chapter

[Enigma]

Well WW is having her procedure today from what she advised me. I am taking S2 again for the weekend which I love having extra time with him when I can. She texted earlier this week confirming would be okay for me to have him. She even suggested that depending on how her procedure goes she would want to pick him up from my place. I texted her that I think it is easiest that I keep him the entire weekend. She said "okay I guess" To be honest, I also just don't feel like seeing her and just want to enjoy my time with S2 to which splitting a weekend to me is odd.

I've also texted her about vacation time next month and if she can watch S2. There was an oversight in her email and I have an issue on one of the days where I won't be in town but she also has an issue that day. I owned up to my error, but she is still going to try to resolve on her end. This leads me to an observation. She has been very accommodating since she's moved out. She will text suggesting something logistically for S2. I respond with what I feel is best. And then she just goes with what I've said and agrees. I've never seen her this way before as she's always been fiery and stubborn. Just an observation. In the past, roles were reversed and I used to just agree and avoid conflict.

I still dream and cycle thoughts about her. Can't help it and I do my best to explore my feelings when I do have those thoughts.

I know this is a journey and takes time, but it really feels like she has moved on. Again, to her she never cheated. In her mind she ended the relationship with me and then started one with OM. Oh well, not important but is what I think from time to time. Need to shift back to myself now.

And as I look back to BD and before, I can see changes. I used to loath myself and feel unworthy as a person. Didn't deserve happiness. I was tied up emotionally with WW and her happiness = my happiness. I see now how wrong this was. When I started to focus on myself and put myself first (took therapy and reading) I began to feel different. Although the S [censored] with what has happened BD, I feel like I've reconnected with my lost self. This is what I can control and working towards. Am I where I want to be as a person? No. Am I working towards improving myself and aspects of my life? absolutely. Is there a start and finish to this process? In my mind no.. this is continuous.

So to all that are new here on this board and with fresh pain. You will reach a better place. It is true that the focus on yourself is important as you need to stir that inner strength. At first the steps you take forward are small but that's okay. You may even take a few backwards but that is fine as well. Don't dwell on the mistakes.. learn.. practice.. and move forward. Eventually more steps will be taken forward and will move faster as inner strength increases.

I know there is a way to go, but I've let go of the outcome what happens. To be honest I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I know it eases the suffering I once had when all I did was cling to MR. I feel like a horrible person and like I'm giving up when I say I don't care whether WW and I get back to together or not. Like I've failed. True in terms of our relationship that may be the case, but I feel as though I've saved myself and reconnected with who I once was.

My thoughts for the day.