Need support navigating the change in my marriage

[G8r]

Thank you the pep talk Mona52.

Although my W wants me to move out, I have no plans to leave the house. Last night during her D initiated discussion, she tried to persuade me by saying that I can't afford the house on my own. She can't really either but her mother is wealthy and would help her. She also threatening to have the sheriff remove me from the house but she doesn't know what she is talking about. Our house is jointly owned. Today she tried to persuade me by trying to guilt me when she mentioned how hard it is and will be on our D3. Why would I want to make them miserable? I wanted to respond but didn't.

I probably shouldn't have let her hit me or bite me in the past, but prior to last August we rarely argued, maybe once or twice a year. Turns out this was a major problem and not an asset because she let things stew for too long instead of talking to me. Anyway, next time she does something like that I won't hesitate to report it. At that time, I didn't want to see my D3's mother go to jail and we quickly patched things up because her actions were so out of character for her. Although I still wouldn't want her to go to jail, I wouldn't hesitate to report.

Funny you mention hate. She keeps saying that she knows how much I hate her right now because I haven't been talking to her and I give her short answers when she asks about my day. Lol. She also thinks I hate her because I told her that under no circumstances would we be friends if she goes through with a D. I made a mistake though. Maybe I should have let her think I would hate her but I replied that I would be too hurt to ever speak to her again. Told her that maybe 5 or 10 years down the road I might be better enough to speak with her again because she has told me many times that maybe 5 or 10 years down the road we could get remarried.

I would like full custody but I don't know if I could do it. I think I could if push came to shove but it is so much easier having us parent together as a family. We also don't have any immediate family in the area but her Dad is 2 hours away if we have an emergency.

Custody is the MAIN thing preventing me from letting go fully. Although I would like to remain in M, I would be fine letting her get a D if I could have full custody and knew that I could handle that responsibility. IMO, D3 seems to respond better to me. When I had her by myself over Christmas (on vacation so no work) she never once cried for her mommy. On the other hand, she regularly cries for me when she is in my W's custody. I'm not saying that I'm a better parent because I truly believe my W is a good mother, I just love my D3 very much and want to be very active in her life. One of the reasons that I took a position teaching high school students Physical Science is that I was inspired by my D3 to try to inspire more young women to enter math and science fields because they are needed.

[Cristy]

Hi G8r,

I sure hope you speak with a good attorney soon.

You are smart to stay in the house. Definitely don't do anything that would make this situation easier for your wife. She wants to end the marriage, she needs to move out. Is she still in the marital bed?

Don't be so sure that your wife doesn't know what she is talking about regarding having the sheriff remove you from the house. W could make something up to have you removed.

I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Mona52]

G8r,

I agree, go speak to a L. You at least have a shot at 50/50 custody. Dont let anyone tell you it wont work because D would suffer. I know people try and guilt dads saying the children need to sleep in the same bed every night. I am sorry, but that is bull. I have seen dads who get their children weeknights not just weekends and the kids thrive.

About your W saying you hate her... You can tell her next time you do not hate her, but you cannot support her actions. Or you can ignore it. It does not matter what she is thinking right now.

I applaud you trying to entice young ladies into STEM. I am in the Comp Sci field and have offered repeatedly to speak at local grade schools and high schools to the girls. So far no one has invited me, but i'm trying.

I want to give you a word of warning. When it comes to DB'ing, Newton's laws go right out the window! For every action, there is only a bad or worse reaction. You CANT use logic here. Logic will keep you up at night. one plus one does NOT equal 2. With your background, you are going to try and take researched, logical, thought-out steps to fix this. Dont, it wont work. Just work on you, do everything you always wanted. Heck, go visit CERN, the sky is the limit and you have been given the gift of time to go do it.

[G8r]

Thank you Mona52. The gray cloudy weather this weekend has matched my mood. Submitted a request for a referral from ABA for a L. It's hard for me to think about custody and other issues when I rather be married to W.

To whom have you spoken? My W has done some outreach to middle school girls but that was arranged between middle school and college at which she works. There has to be some kind of liaison, perhaps the principal or guidance counselor.

I hear you about rationale. W says my saying I won't be her friend and won't talk to her beyond cordial pleasantries is pushing her towards D. I reminded her (pprobably should have kept my mouth shut) that she said she would resent me for the rest of her life if I forced her to break it off. Funny thing is that I previously suggested that she needed to do that if M was to be saved. She said she would but she would resent me for the rest of her life. I didn't push it. This past Friday I told her she needed to dump the 3rd wheel. After changing subject 2x, she said "Lol, no". Rationale is out the window because what's good for the gander doesn't seem to be good for the goose.

[G8r]

I need advice on my 2 current. Primary problems. How do I 180 if I was emotionally and physically unavailable prior to A according to W? W refuses to let me touch her at ALL and it seems like I'm supposed to validate her feelings but share little in the way of mine. Seems like I'm going down the same cheese tunnel.

Although I have no desire to be my W's friend if we D,my telling her this has seemed to push her further away. She knows I'm not bluffing because I haven't spoken to my 1st W since prior to my D with her in 2004. Talk about NC. Fortunately I didn't have any kids with her. Any advice as to how I should proceed? I know myself in that I won't be her friend but what can I do to stop pushing her away?

[NateG79]

She has to understand and accept the consequences of her actions. WHY would be friends with somebody who cheated, lied, and betrayed you. I know I don't. I've gone NC with my WW, as she needs to understand exactly what divorce will be like. And it won't include me in her life being friends. She doesn't get to fire me as husband, and demote me to friend. It's not what I signed up for. You have to get to a place where you don't need her in your life to be okay. You're not there yet, but hopefully someday soon you will. If it pushes her away, then so be it. Do you want your current marriage back, rags and all? Or would you want something better. You've got to be prepared to let the marriage burn to the ground. You can't repair the one you have, you would have to build a new one on the ashes of the old one.

[G8r]

Thank you for the support NateG79. I really rather not burn things to the ground if I don't have to. Part of my problem is that I let the cat out of the bag and telling her that not only would I not be her friend but that I would have as little to do with her as possible. Although I would be cordial, I would speak to her like I would a supermarket cashier. Should have kept quiet because the W says that is what has pushed her away the most.

I hope the NC goes well for you but how do you do that with D2. I already mis my D3 because I don't see her in the mornings because I leave before she awakens.

I'm thinking that I might have had more success trying a separation where we lived apart rather than in same house. Who knows?

[NateG79]

We're separated. Our only conversations now involve D2. Nothing else really. Remember, believe nothing of what they say, 50% of what they do.

[G8r]

Getting a referral for a L from the ABA wasn't as I expected. I thought it would be a good way to get the name and numbers of a few good local attorneys to whom I could speak. Turns out they charge 45 dollars to give you the name of 1 attorney.

Anyone have recommendationsfor finding an attorney besides asking family and friends?

[G8r]

I didn't see any results but I know I did the right thing tonight. I went to our enclosed patio with our dog to get her leash (I used to keep leash inside but W was fearful of D3 playing with it so I moved it to patio to acknowledge her feelings). Unfortunately, Wleft it open today and dog escaped. I eventually found her because I asked W to post on neighborhood FB page about it.

I didn't blame her for escape, just grabbed keys and went looking. Meanwhile she complained that I slammed the door as I initially left. Hmmmmm..maybe that happened because I was still holding the door as I started to chase the dog. Ran back in to get the car keys and told W I had to catch the dog since the door was left open, note that I didn't say she left it open. Then she complained that she didn't know leash was out there because I didn't tell her (bs) and that I should have held dog's collar. going out there.

I held my tongue and when I finally caught the dog thanks to a nneighbor's tip on FB, I thanked my W for her help posting and said it was a team effort. Instead of YW, which I wasn't expecting, she started complaining that the reason she left the door open is because she was expecting me to help bring in groceries that she purchased. She got mad about that because I cooked dinner and told her I would get them after dinner. It was plenty cold outside that they would be fine but she didn't like that and decided to get them herself. She also got mad at me for cooking dinner because she told D3 she could have pizza even though I told her yesterday that I planned to cook. W still not done complaining because she said that I didn't cook any for her despite me fixing a plate for her. I thanked her again for her help and that it was a team effort to catch the dog, then i told her I was going to bed. Good night.

A few minutes later she came to me in the MBR to complain so.e more that I don't communicate with her and we need to form a unified front when dealing with D3 because she told D3 she could have pizza. I wasn't as detached that last time, but let her do most of the talking.

I could tell that she was upset about the dog and she is regularly upset about us. Anyway it was nice to have her chain me around to communicate even if it was to complain. Felt some power.