Well ….. guess my last post was prophetic, sometimes you can just feel things are about to happen. So many things were said I will try to get out as many as I can
I get home last night after getting S from school and w is there, she worked from home, I said hello and grabbed the dog for his walk. When I arrived W informs me in a smug way she will not be home till 6:30 tonight, I simply asked what she was doing …. She snapped a bit and told me she was getting her palm read. I shrugged and started warming up S’s dinner as she came into the kitchen and asked what was wrong, what I was thinking … ya know the interrogation. Then she said that I did not seem happy, did not seem happy with her … I told her that was not the case. Then she asked if I had made any New Years resolutions …. Its funny because I seen exactly where she was now headed with all this .. I stayed calm and told her that I decided a few years ago if I wanted to make a change I was not waiting for NYE to do so, then I played along and asked her if she had made any … she confessed she had but did not want to share them and upset me, did not take much prying but she said that she made a decision about what here and I should do.
She told me that she has mentioned her feelings, been honest, she just does not ‘feel’ that way towards me, the good ol ILYBINILWY. I was pretty calm and explained that if one believed after 25 years we were going to be all love-struck like teenagers again it was just not realistic. Then I spun it, and said I was glad she atleast seen this is not the way a marriage should be and the fact I had been having the same feeling, I too and not “in Love” but I knew it would take time and effort for that to happen, the effort part has seemed to fade. I pointed out “WE” stopped working on the M, she obviously heard a lot of “You stopped doing this and that” but I had to point out I said WE several times. She continued to tell me she loved me then pushed that she wanted to be friends, I told her in no way was I interested in friendship with her, for a host of reasons. I told her I was ready to move on with my life and said I will find a happy R/M regardless if its with her or another. She really was hung up on the friendship thing, and I told her that I want her happy even if that is not with me, but I could not be a friend and be that close to see it happen. I told her I have stood for this marriage inspite of what all has gone down over the past 3 years, I stood … I can look in the mirror and know I did all I can, but I will not be in a marriage such as the one I have currently found myself in and admitted that I had been thinking about this very same scenario … me moving out, however I was going to give it a little more time as I felt it was worth it to save this if possible, something I was interested in but not if I was the only one pulling on one end of the rope.
This brought up MC, and Retrovaille …She quickly referred to our failed MC sessions as “That Bitch doesn’t count” …. I calmly said .. “well maybe not, for starters I did set that up (this was to show that I was trying as she held me not wanting to go to MC back in 2012 against me) however that ‘Bitch’ simply called it like it was, you were still involved with OM and MC can not work with 3 people in a relationship” I told her it was fine that we were no longer doing the ‘homework’ as she felt it was doing nothing, however I restated my opinion that we were not going to be able to resolve the number of issues we had alone .. those same issues are whats holding back those ‘love’ feelings. I explained it like the house, she let me in the house but I am not allowed in all the rooms, her reply was “You mean the bed room .. its all about sex with you” Again … re-written history, sure we had sex issues that I was led to believe were medical related and I am certain she is dealing with a load of guilt and all this is a way to avoid that. This then opened up a discussion about our sex life and how horrible she recalls it being. On one hand she said she can not remember because its been so long, on the other hand it was all one sided and she did not get any pleasure out of it … I was calm about this .. as hard as it was … I told her again issues like this I was open to work on but we would have to actually work on them. As we talked about this it was surreal, in one way I felt it was good to atleast get this stuff out there and discuss it. She then went into Mini-Monster and started bringing up the same old M crap .. the buttons … I calmly told her I was not going to be treated badly and allow her to just spew, I also told her for her sake, at some point she would have to let go of all that old baggage.
Took a break and watched a show with S, walked the dog .. then put S down … round 2 hits. She told me that she felt I would never be able to get over what happened. I STFU … when she finished I told her that I realized over the past few months that if I wanted my family, my M , my W that I would have to get over the past …just as she would. I told her is it easy … no, am I 100% healed .. no. These things take time but I am WILLING to move past these things. We talked about what I wanted in a M, was simple .. I told her, even to the fact I told her she may not be able to be th person I need her to be and that maybe she is right … to much damage … however if she was willing to work at the M then I would be willing aswell. During this exchange evidently she felt as I was lecturing …. She told me “Don’t lecture me like I am a child .. I am not a child!!” As she said that she grabbed a stuffed animal like a teenager and pouted/hugged it. I almost laughed but was able to keep it in. I ended the conversation as she continued to revert back to the “I don’t feel that way/my feelings are not there” but on the backside of that she was in tears aski9ng me to be her friend, I simply told her “I do not want to be your friend, I want to be your husband” I told her goodnight and went to bed.
I am strangely at peace with all this, it really needed to happen. I was honestly wanting to wait a couple months as I was nearly done paying off some bills in order to afford a decent place for S and I. W told me “I am not throwing you out” … and brought up some old D concerns she has had about me taking her to the cleaners … tossing some things in my face. I really just do not want a M like ‘this’ …. I was ok if she was actually working on things but just felt she really went into a holding pattern. The tricky part is when to move out … S’s Birthday is coming up, nothing like your parents splitting up on your birthday right?
Bottom line, I deserve more, I have been on this ride long enough and have done all I can … sure I have more work on myself to do but in all honestly that will never stop, I will continue to improve and work on things everyday of my life with or without W, she has some work to do and I have felt for the past few months she can not bake with me there. Ironically yesterday I was reading a bit… a sitch similar to mine, a woman’s MLCr home to early and this sort of thing happened .. I have not completed reading her story (back in 2011 on HBs site) but the parallels are there, like me she grew strong enough to know she was ok with or without him and hit a point if it was going to be with him he needed to bring something to the table, I feel that way too .. not that I need to punish W for all her wrong doings, but at some point commitment has to be more that just living in the same space just ‘being’ there. I want to share my life with someone who can and will love me … if W is unable to do this I am frankly better off. I am open to my M … will be till the D is signed off, but I just feel like I am no longer stalling it nor standing in its way .. I may even be leaning towards getting it done and over with so I can move on from all this, as cold and jaded as it sounds it's where I am this morning
