I think Dr Laura has this issue figured out. She says to just wear him down. Rock his world 24/7 until he gives in, until he can take no more. In football I believe that changed the phrase from "injured reserve" to "physically unable to perform". If you do this then he will know that you desire him but it is impractical to live that way all the time.
My best friends W was at a point in her life when she wanted to go out all the time,I mean all the time. What did he do? He went out with her all the time. In fact, on nights when she didn't plan anything, he would. He was getting exhausted but he knew she just had to get it out of her system. All he did was help her do it faster. Guess what? They go out a lot less now and are not nearly as tired.
Take your vitamins, eat a balanced diet, and rest when you can to prepare yourself for this endeavor. It may not be easy but success is practically guaranteed. My W has done a similar thing to me lately. She has been initiating a lot, so much that I haven't even had a chance to in awhile because I am just too tired. See, I am an extremely busy tax accountant ( I am writing this while I eat my lunch) so she has the upper hand right now. Now, when I say I am too tired she takes it as a challenge and say she doesn't believe me. She has turned the tables on me and I understand how she felt for years as a young mother. The only difference is that she never, ever gets rejected. It has actually become fun to joke about who's too tired. Not that long ago it wasn't very funny at all.
I may be a card carrying member of the "24/7/365 WBFWM(would be fine with me)Club" but don't discount what I am saying. In fact, I fogot to tell you about all of the great side effects. Increased cardio/vascular health, glowing skin, weight loss, better muscle tone and your H perpetual smile. If they packaged something that would do all of that it would cost $500 a bottle but you can get it for nothing. What a deal.
Seriously, there are many health benefis for women in regards to sex. There was a doctor on Oprah that said that women that orgasam 200 times a year, have bodies that are 6.5 years younger then normal!!!!
So what she is saying is that a vibrant sex life is the key to immortality for women. I always knew I liked Oprah. All these years I thought she was a man-basher. Come to find out she was just building womens' trust in her so she could drop this bombshell and actually be trusted. Long live Oprah!! (you know she is going to use this advice so she probably will anyway)
Quote: But how do I get him to understand MY NEEDS in all of this? I'd love to exchange back rubs in bed... seems simple, right? But, it seems to get 'complicated' as soon as it's H's turn! He changes it from a relaxing rub to a request for sex.
If this were my wife and me, it would make a big difference how recently we had had sex. When it's been a long time, anything that is even a hint of sexuality is a huge turn on, and there's this feeling like a kind of pressure that something has to give, and I don't feel really in control. (I've censored several more colorful ways of portraying this, and I hope this still comes across ;->). I couldn't give my wife a nice backrub in that situation, even though I have half the education needed to be certified in massage. After we've had sex a couple of times, that pressure lets up, and a nice backrub or massage is a very nice thing indeed. In fact, it's something that is quite different than sex, and I would like to have both in my marriage. At present, that's a bit too threatening to my wife.
If I were in your shoes, I might consider enrolling in a massage class together. Since there's no way you can have sex in class, energy gets focused in the right direction.
Quote: I give him a little grope in the kitchen getting breakfast ready and he asks if we're 'on' for tonight!
You might work on mastering non-committal but suggestive one-liners..."it's a grope, not a commitment - let's see, what do we have in here?" (But I'm not a great authority on this, I can't say that I've ever been groped.)
And explain to him that you need to be able to grope to help heat up the atmosphere without establishing a contract.
Quote: I know right now he's desperate for 'it' , but it's making me nervous already!!! Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!
Are you nervous mainly because you need the in-between nice touching and cuddling and backrubs too?
Quote: What is a nice way to turn him down? What would make it easier to hear?
Well, if you can make it feel like it's not a rejection, like sex has happened in the past and will in the future, and you just need some other things too, that helps a lot. My wife is working on telling me that she likes me and wants me whenever she does anything that pushes me away, because I'm so bloody VULNERABLE when that happens that I really need to hear it, and it does help a lot.
Quote: I turn him down, tell him another night, then make an excuse the next night not realizing he's been living for this night to come...
Oh man. If he's like me, he's been having a hard time focusing on other things, and when you make that excuse, he doesn't have anything useful he can say. We learn that demanding sex is not a great aphrodisiac, and that being negative kills any desire. So we say nothing, and don't believe it so much the next time, and the barriers go up one step at a time.
I have re-read your post a number of times, and I think you say it best. I need the cuddles, and kisses, and touches that DON'T lead to sex, just as much as he needs the cuddles, kisses and touches that DO lead that way! I think I could convince him today about that, because he's 'feelin' the love'!!! But he would probably feel differently about all that touching that leads to nowhere if we hadn't ML in a while!
We had a talk this afternoon, and he expressed his desire to 'shake it up' a bit! He would love a quicky in the kitchen at lunch time, or to wake up Saturday morning and get a session in before the kids wake. I am not a 'middle of the day' kind of girl, but I told him I'd give it a go!
I know he is very visual... I guess part of my problem is the fact that 4 kids has taken a tole on my body! He still looks the same as when I married him... it's just not fair!!! I'm hoping that all this thinking about ML and the planning and scheduling will get me more 'in the mood'!
Quote: So we say nothing, and don't believe it so much the next time, and the barriers go up one step at a time.
I think this is how my H has been operating since a long time... I asked him today if he thought he had a high sex drive, and he asked me if there was a level above high! Guess he's learned that it keeps the peace if he doesn't ask. And, to put icing on the perverbial cake, when he did ask, I always felt like it was just one more demand on me.
It makes me sad to realize all this, but when I think of where we could be headed, I'm thankful I've found this site! I'm not sure he would have left, but he was leaving emotionally already. I always felt like we weren't 'connecting' lately, just couldn't put a finger on why. I would even bring it up, but he obviously didn't feel safe enough to get into it with me.
I'm really trying to get myself figured out, and I really love my H... I'm just so glad this bb is here! To all you HD people, I'm praying that your spouse can figure out a way to get back to you... For me, I don't think I would have put this together if it wasn't for finding this site totally by accident. For the LD people like me... just try it... you may be surprised by what you find! Already my H is paying attention!
For my H and I, having a special needs child makes marriage difficult, and the rate of divirce is extremely high, so anything I can do to keep us together is important. Boy, did I underestimate the importance of ML in a M!
What is it about thongs that makes men love them??? I personally hate them! I think the purpose of underwear is to keep everything 'in place', so that particular piece of clothing is just not very practical.
Now, I'm willing to give it a try... if you can convince me that it's worth putting myself through the pain and humiliation of actually purchasing one!!!
Quote: I may be a card carrying member of the "24/7/365 WBFWM(would be fine with me)Club" but don't discount what I am saying. In fact, I fogot to tell you about all of the great side effects. Increased cardio/vascular health, glowing skin, weight loss, better muscle tone and your H perpetual smile. If they packaged something that would do all of that it would cost $500 a bottle but you can get it for nothing. What a deal.
But, as a HD male (which I'm assuming you are!), I just know the advice was totally from the heart, and not intended to advance the cause of the HD man!!! I really love the little 'extras' I'll get in return... perhaps I'll get in shape for that thong!
Hey, you can purchase them online...try them on, and if they don't fit, you just send them back. What pain? What humiliation?
My wife would never wear one, but I'd love to see her in one. My ex wore one once and it drove me crazy. There's a woman at work who I KNOW wears them, and, I just have to ignore it.
As for "keeping it in place," well, that's not necessarily the function of a thong, now, is it?
Hairdog, who says, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to God my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, let it be right after I see my wife in a thong and we have sex."
Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!
