Quote: But how do I get him to understand MY NEEDS in all of this? I'd love to exchange back rubs in bed... seems simple, right? But, it seems to get 'complicated' as soon as it's H's turn! He changes it from a relaxing rub to a request for sex.
If this were my wife and me, it would make a big difference how recently we had had sex. When it's been a long time, anything that is even a hint of sexuality is a huge turn on, and there's this feeling like a kind of pressure that something has to give, and I don't feel really in control. (I've censored several more colorful ways of portraying this, and I hope this still comes across ;->). I couldn't give my wife a nice backrub in that situation, even though I have half the education needed to be certified in massage. After we've had sex a couple of times, that pressure lets up, and a nice backrub or massage is a very nice thing indeed. In fact, it's something that is quite different than sex, and I would like to have both in my marriage. At present, that's a bit too threatening to my wife.
If I were in your shoes, I might consider enrolling in a massage class together. Since there's no way you can have sex in class, energy gets focused in the right direction.
Quote: I give him a little grope in the kitchen getting breakfast ready and he asks if we're 'on' for tonight!
You might work on mastering non-committal but suggestive one-liners..."it's a grope, not a commitment - let's see, what do we have in here?" (But I'm not a great authority on this, I can't say that I've ever been groped.)
And explain to him that you need to be able to grope to help heat up the atmosphere without establishing a contract.
Quote: I know right now he's desperate for 'it' , but it's making me nervous already!!! Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!
Are you nervous mainly because you need the in-between nice touching and cuddling and backrubs too?
Quote: What is a nice way to turn him down? What would make it easier to hear?
Well, if you can make it feel like it's not a rejection, like sex has happened in the past and will in the future, and you just need some other things too, that helps a lot. My wife is working on telling me that she likes me and wants me whenever she does anything that pushes me away, because I'm so bloody VULNERABLE when that happens that I really need to hear it, and it does help a lot.
Seems it has to be all or nothing!!!
