do nothing or what

[isittoolate]

If only all WAS heeded these words

Love is a Choice and both people must choose to DO it.

[roist]

Cadet, I can do it without expectations, calmly and rationally. But I don't think that my W is at a place where a chat will turn things around. I agree that actions speak louder than words.

As for results realistically at best I would feel better for having expressed what I am keeping for me. I don't know if it would move me closer to my goal.

Thanks for your input. As always concise and good.

[Cadet]

Mowgli,
Honestly I don't think W is content with situation. Why she is not doing something one way or another is another issue....but hers.

So what if during your "chat" wife was to reveal to you that she is depressed, has cancer, was in a coma, has a life threatening disease, mental illness, thyroid condition or some other reason that she can no longer perform.

How would that change the way you feel and what you would DO?

[Mowgli]

Mowgli,
Honestly I don't think W is content with situation. Why she is not doing something one way or another is another issue....but hers.

So what if during your "chat" wife was to reveal to you that she is depressed, has cancer, was in a coma, has a life threatening disease, mental illness, thyroid condition or some other reason that she can no longer perform.

How would that change the way you feel and what you would DO?

It's hard to know where someone is at if we don't ask. Sure, they can lie, WWs lie all the time, but this doesn't appear to be your typical WW situation. Weird, I know, but this feels different.

MWD talks about uncommon sense techniques in DB. He's tried the 180s, he's GALing. He's doing what he needs to do for himself and she is not responding. I think MWD would tell him to try something else. if it's not working, try something else, right?

It doesn't have to be a "R" talk, even. I could be a "hey, how are doing? I've noticed that over the last little while X is happening. is there something I can help you with?"

or it could be R based like "W, I'm feeling/not feeling ______ because I'm not receiving________. I really need _______ to feel/not feel_________.

Yes, he needs to not go in with an expectation, but if she's not able to, or unwilling to provide whatever it is Roiste needs due to choice or otherwise, then at least he knows or has an idea of where W is at and can make a better choice regarding his own future...

If his W was in an active A, or she was mistreating him in some way other than the silent treatment, I think I would have different advice. from what he says, though, she's just completely checked out of life in general, not just the M or him.

It's differnet than a vitriol spewing WW who is trying to justify an A.

Ask calmly and rationally with no expectations, and either things get better, get worse, or stay the same, but at least he can plan to move forward.

That conversation doesn't have to happen today, tomorrow, or next week. But that conversation will happen eventually.

Don't you kind of have to give her an opportunity to know what the issues from his perspective are and give her a choice to either work on them or not? That's part of making and breaking every R.

I suppose you could just say "i'm done" and walk, but is that ethical?

I honestly don't know....

[mutatio]

I had to have a talk with my wife about how she felt after not speaking about it for 5 months. It was very painful and was frustrating her. I did however learn some new things about her thinking. I discussed it with my IC and have tweaked my strategy and perspective. Having a dialog with your wife can give you new info but it can come at a heavy emotional price.

[roist]

Thanks guys. All valid points and I appreciate the time and effort to support me. One day we will have to talk. It is inevitable. If I initiate it it will be when it suits me and/or when I believe the benefits outweigh the downside.

I truly would love to know her full thoughts even the worst. But for the moment I am nit sure it will help in the long term.

So for now I think I will try hold off on that chat. That being said it could pop out any minute!

Mutatia, I see caliguy dropped by to advise on the changing character traits.I listed mine yesterday.LLet's change together and truly become men our wives would be fools to leave.

[mutatio]

I think I'm ready to do that. I hope to pencil & paper a list during the day and post it today or tomorrow. I waited to talk with my wife until I could not wait any longer. The stress of not knowing far surpassed the stress of the response. It will happen when you need it to happened.

[roist]

Can i have some advice/opinions please?

This weekend everyone in the house seemed to be in lousy humour, especially W. We all went to a neighbours house Saturday evening and had a late night. It was a good night but everyone was tired the next morning.

I had planned a short spin on the mountain bike Sunday morning.I had eaten too much, stand drank too much and slept not enough but I wanted to go anyway just to get out of house. The old me would have put iff going and put my needs last.
The minute I came back the boys joined me in the basement gym. After I take 10 minutes to shower and put clothes in washing machine etc. I had intended chatting with W a few minutes and then either help with the dinner or play with the boys. But just before I was ready they acted up and W was annoyed with them. At such times I usually let W finish giving out to them, support her if boys reply but generally let her handle it as she had started.

At the table the boys acted up a bit too and W reacted, maybe even over reacted and left the table. I was not sure if I should have gone after her or not. In a normal R I would say yes, but I seem to remember similar advice here to not do so. I spoke to the boys and got the eldest to go apologize and ask her to come back. She did and our youngest apologised.

My W had planned to meet a friend that afternoon so thinking she would not be there I had spoken the boys about what we were going to do together.
I intend to make the most of any boy time we have so I would have done something just the three of us. My W's plans fell through and so we now were all four of us for the afternoon. As we had not finalised plans that was OK but in hindsight I would have preferred that we had already made plans and stuck to it.

Whereas most of the frustration was directed at the boys some overflowed and came my way. I probably should have validated more but I was tired and cranky too. I did hold back my tongue. At one stage I dropped everything and asked that we restate what we were going to do that afternoon to be sure we were on the same page, as every time I opened my mouth she jumped down it. I was calm but had had enough. I don't think she liked that but I was not accepting her treatment of me.

Anyway we finished the DIY project though it was mainly me with one son at a time. Shortly afterwards when I was tidying away the DIY project, my W abruptly decided to go to her grandmother's for a while.She needed sir and space. Once she left I gave out to the boys. Afterwards we spent 90 minutes of calm together.I personally felt the pressure and mood lift once W left.

Then it was shower time and boys got hyper again as they went down to bathroom, and W arrives back exactly then!

I did not talk with W about it afterwards as I thought that she would talk if she wanted to. Things were OK that evening but she stayed up late because she wasn't sleepy.

Anyway what is the DB protocol on days like this? I know I cannot fix her but can I be supportive in a more useful or DB way? Should I bring it up this evening or let it be?

[roist]

Stand too much should read drank too much (though wasn't v drunk.

Apologies for the typos but edit option wasn't there!

[Cadet]

Sounds like your wife controls what you do and she needs time and space so maybe you should make more plans to take the boys out of her space.