Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

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I just realized that I haven't really posted on my own thread since my counseling appointment on Wednesday. It didn't go well and my counselor basically thinks that I should just move on with my life and give up on H. That being said, I don't really care if my therapist likes my H or not. I love him and am not giving up yet. Even if it's what is better for me, I'm just not ready to give up on him. I had made a Dr appointment for my H that is today. Had to pull some strings to get the appointment with this particular Dr but I got it done. My plan was to go to H house on Wednesday to tell him of the appt so he wouldn't be surprised when he got the call to confirm it.

I went to his house on Wednesday and planned to go in and have him hurt my feelings, tell him about the appointment and have him refuse, then leave upset. Some of that happened, but not like I thought it would. He was actually friendly. Don't get me wrong, not in an IMMW (I Miss My Wife) kind of way, but he didn't roll his eyes when I walked in. I sat down and he started talking to me about the TV show that was on. So, I talked to him and just tried to enjoy it while it lasted because I knew it would be the last time for a long time....or ever. He did ask if I worked the night before (not my normal night to work)) so I guess he drove by and noticed I wasn't home. When he started talking about needling to take a bath I told him that I needed to go anyway. I then reminded him of our conversation last week when I told him I was going to make the appointment. Then, to my surprise, he actually AGREED TO GO SEE THE DOCTOR!!! That's HUGE for him! Of course, I know that doesn't mean that he will take medication if ordered by the Dr, but at least he will go. I told him that I hate to see him in pain and that I want him to be happy even if it isn't with me. I told him that I am glad that he's willing to reach out and take the help. Then, I asked him if he is still uncomfortable with me being at his house visiting. He thought about it for a minute and then said yes so I then told him that I would respect his wishes and not come over, call, text, etc any more. I told him that wasn't what I wanted because I want to be his wife, but that I would stay away because I didn't want to make things harder for him or cause him pain. I told him that I was just going to work on fixing myself and that I am not moving on at this point because I still want to be married to him, but that I will not wait forever. Then, of course, I did all the wrong things. I hugged him, gave him a kiss (nothing passionate), looked right into his eyes as I held his face in my hands and told him that I love him and hope that he feels better soon. I then told him goodbye and left. I had tears in my eyes, but didn't breakdown into a full disgustingly ugly sob until I was safely in my car with the door shut. I know I shouldn't have touched him or any of that at the end, but I'm okay with it because I left knowing that he at least knows that I'm not in contact because I'm respecting HIS wishes, not because it's what I want. And, I left knowing that he knows I love him and want him to be okay. He had tears in his eyes as well but said nothing. It hurt, but I didn't expect anything.

I allowed myself to cry and sob hysterically until I got to my sister's house which is about 5 min away. I then wiped my tears and went into her house and told her that we were going to town and she needed to drive. On the way to town I told her that I needed to GAL and that I've never had one so I didn't know how to do it so it was her job to show me. LOL. What are sisters for? She drove me to a coffee bar (I don't drink coffee but they had great smoothies!) and we sat there for about 2 hrs and talked. Then, went back to her house and played cards. Not the most exciting thing, but it got me out of the house and I was able to calm down.
She told me next time to give her more notice and she would come up with something better. I told her I was free again the next day! LOL.

I have actually only been back on the 180 with no contact for 1 day now, and I miss him so much, but I actually feel al little better. Not a LOT, but a little. Not sure why. Maybe because I TOLD HIM that I won't be coming over or trying to contact him so it took the pressure off of me to talk myself out of reaching out to him. I really hope he goes to his appointment and that he agrees to take medication, finds his mind soon, and then begs me to forgive him and take him back, then spends the rest of his life trying to make me happy. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?