Been out of the loop a while. So Sorry. All is ok.
I've had some shaking of truth from oncologists, nurses and lawyers. Cried a lot! But I'm in a different emotional state now. It's not all roses (lots of thorns) but it's a new normal. Oncologist says that I can choose to go with once a month maintenance on chemo. Since all my scans show no progression of cancer. I'm stable. Cancer markers are the lowest they've been since right before my diagnosis. Good news - right?! Well, maybe so, maybe not. I'm receiving treatment that is working right now. If I change treatment & the cancer grows then I can't go back to this protocol. (I'm on a clinical trial - if I leave - I can't go back) There are too many variables. If anything comes back then I'd have to pursue some other treatment and there is no guarantee that it'll work or that I'll feel good with no side effects like I do now.
A hard thing to accept-Lifetime of chemo until cancer goes away. I don't want to die. I love my boys so much and everyday I have with them is such a beautiful gift. I wake up thanking God that He has given me another day to be with my children. So, healthwise - I choose to live life even if it's with a wig, false eyelashes and drawn eyebrows. ;-)
XH - still acting out. Lashing mean things in practically every text. I've come to an understanding that I am co-parenting with a narcissist. It's textbook and so sad. But it's helpful to know what I'm dealing with. Yet..I'm freaking out right now!
DS 12 struggling emotionally (as my other boys) & it reflects on how he's behaved in school & taking tests. DS12 knows the material but has expressed anxiety with tests. XH compared our son with his stepchildren who he says are in GT programs and doing great even though they've had to transition with a new stepdad & the loss of their real dad. My children say this isn't true. Then he asked if our other boys were passing or failing since I still homeschool. I just responded passing. Now he wants specifics (out of nowhere).
XH tells me in practically every text that he thinks I'm manipulative and telling the boys garbage and nonsense. Why would I do that? My goal is for peace and civility. If I were to fill my children's heads with lies & garbage then it serves no one. I want my children to have a good relationship with their dad. Unfortunately, visits aren't pleasant.
In dealing with a narcissist, I read to disengage, remember they project, keep to the facts. But now, he's threatening custody stuff & doesn't want to pay spousal support & wants child support lowered cuz he says he doesn't have a job. (more on that later)
Text today:
XH: I never recvd boys grades & I asked for those 2 mos. ago. In fact, I've asked several times & haven't recvd them from u.U r their teacher & I'd expect u to have that readily avail & thought u would certainly share this w/me since I'm their father. I'd like to pick these grades up when I pickup the boys tonite at 6:30p.
Me: Are you on ur way?
XH: Oh so u do know how to text. I'm here now.
Me: Why aren't you taking DS17?
XH: He hates me. He told me that. Don't u listen to what they say. I'm sure they all told u about their visit last Sun. & why they came hm early. So don't play dumb. DS 17 & DS 19 r more than welcome to come w/me anytime. But why have him come now when he doesn't even want to see me or be sincere about spending time w/me. He told me he hate me & doesn't even love me. U put that garbage in their heads. If they said stuff about u..I'd have straightened them out & had them call u to apologize immediately cuz it's disrespectful. I'd have at least called u to find out the story. U didn't even do that! U have completely ignored my texts until just a few min ago when u need something. Really?? Is this coparenting? Does ur actions even appear to b sincere & like ur working to help this situation? Nope it doesn't. It appears to me that u r bitter, scorned & refuse to move on.This is evident in our older boys acting towards me. Thx for that vge1. I'm in love with my boys & u know that. I'd do anything for them & they know that too. I want a sincere relationship w/my sons. Not a fake one where they go for the ride to fulfill an obligation. Tell them I'm ready when they are. I havent gone anywhere.I didn't leave them. I left u.
I didn't respond.
Then I got more texts about their grades etc. He even text a copy of the decree where it states he needs to know about their education & now he says he cant afford health insurance for our children. I'm sending the grades to him but it's VERY SUSPICIOUS! Praying the Lord protects my children and I!
