New Year..Need new goals

[25yearsmlc]

Rain,

Sorry for the length of this but I used your post to address some things, point by point.

Hope you can hang in there with me.

I'm so crushed. I've been crying all morning. After he left last night he didn't text to say goodnight or that he was home or anything he used to do. I immediately thought back to PA time and how only when he was with ow he wouldn't check in on us or say good night. But I tried not to think about it too much and I half watched a tv show. Read and finally fell asleep.



Baby steps...^^^ I mean, hey you did fall asleep! There were nights that I couldn't.

I know I'm direct & can be blunt. I just want you to avoid MY mistakes. Understand that of the 2 two- YEARS (!!) I spent separated and DBing, the first year was mostly wasted by my constant, relentless questioning...and my endless
asking

"Why??" "Why was h doing this? HOW could he? What was he thinking / feeling/doing / planning??", etc.

My DB coach, (God bless her!!), got me to see 2 things about the "Why/How can" questions: First -
those questions have NO "good" or satisfying or resolving or clarifying answers.
No answer will give you peace.

Secondly, asking anyone questions that begin with "WHY/HOW are you doing X?"
tends to make the person hearing them, feel defensive. This was news to me, but it resonated.

So, asking your bf, or yourself, those questions is not productive or helpful to YOU.

My asking my h those questions, at best was useless and at worst, he saw it as a form of attack.

Finally I stopped asking those questions. But asking them for so long was time that I wasted.

What still stings a little, is that it was a year of my children's lives...a year in which I could have been so much more present for them, so much more emotionally available and giving, had I not been so consumed by my pain.

I was so preoccupied and obsessed with wondering about h & our future (*instead of making a good "today" for me and my children), that the whole year is mostly negatively filled with painful memories...and annoyance at myself for being too busy asking unanswerable questions.

INSTEAD I could have spent that year moving forward into creating a more fulfilling, more loving life for all of us, a year sooner... Not to mention how my detachment and GAL made me a happier, more appealing woman and partner.

GAL and Detaching are not merely survival tactics or ways for us to learn to thrive (though God knows those are priorities).

Ironically, it is GAL & Detaching that help us increase our long term chances of marital success.
When you really take this^^ in, you'll be in a much better place. But you have to get yourself there.

This^^ is the piece of DBing that seems counter intuitive, at first.



I woke up to a long text saying he was glad he got to see us and he wants me to know that had I just let him be and let him get over what he needed to get over, and deal with his feelings for ow, we would have been in a better place now. But since I didn't that is the reason he kept ow in his life. And why we are where we are now.

And that's also why talking to and flirting with these girls makes him feel so good. It's easy and he never had that with me. He couldn't be himself with me because all I cared about was his A.


Wow, He is very good at rationalizing repeated, reprehensible behavior. In fact, instead of merely avoiding responsibility by never addressing the A's, or shoving them under the rug, now they're actually your fault.

Don't get sucked into his tornado of lunacy & blame.
It's HIS behavior at issue here, not yours.

And remember one of the big mantras around here, because it's true.

Believe Nothing they say, and only half of what they Do.


I guess I was supposed to spend the last 2 plus years with a smile on and give him space to enjoy his A. In his mind it wasn't the A or that having ow means he was wasn't committed to us, that is the reason our family is no more. It's apparently that I had a problem with it.

I haven't responded because how does one respond to something like that?

Indeed, how does one?

Rain, do yourself a favor and remember this^^ outrageous idiocy of his, when you get lonely (which you will be, for awhile) and when you begin to miss him (which you will do, for awhile).

Even for DB land, and even for wacky selfish WAS's, it's pretty "out there."

It's easy for me to say "don't take it personally", but I know it's hard not to. You tell yourself that this man knows you better than anyone, so if he's rejecting you, YOU must be somehow unlovable and undeserving.

Our deep & not so secret fear is that we really are, down deep, unworthy...and the "proof" is that our spouse/SO has left us.

But that^^ is a lie.


Your boyfriend's actions have been fairly clear.

He plays at happy family when it's not hard or too tiresome. He enjoys the "romance" and "magic" of pursuit and "FALLING in love" (a term that implies having no control & thus, no responsibility).

He gets his emotional or familial "fixes" periodically, at his convenience.

*** But in very basic terms, this is all about how your boyfriend cannot make and keep a commitment. ***

As long as you keep that*** in mind, that this is what it all boils down to, perhaps when pressed, you'll be able to respond BRIEFLY, at the appropriate times.

For now I'd engage in as little R talk as possible, or you'll go nuts.

He's spewing. Don't let it get on your shoes.




My heart hurts and I hate that this is how he feels and how he sees me and our time together.


The mantra "believe NOTHING he says and only half of what they do" applies.

Apply ^^ it.

Plus even if he does see this^^^ as his reality, that's not on you. I mean, do you think if your boyfriend "sincerely" yells that you're a "purple lesbian saber tooth tiger"... it makes it even a little bit true?

Besides, for a moment, let's review the "REALITY" of your Relationship's history.

You had children together & were in a monogamous relationship. He cheated.

There were only two ways the original affair & discovery could have been handled.

One is in which A) HE owned it (& to the extent that you may have neglected him or pushed him away, etc., you own your part---never equating it with an affair, but being honest about your own human flaws, etc.) AND

B) HE regained your trust,

AND C) YOU healed b/c he helped you feel safe and you two got past it.

THE OTHER PATH, AFTER THE ORIGINAL AFFAIR

HE does HIS part BUT YOU Did Not Get Past It... = you simply refused to let it go, you held it over his head & threw it in his face every time you felt insecure, which was way too often.

We know it's not easy to heal after an affair in the best of circumstances, and people backslide, etc.

But down deep, do you really believe YOU were unreasonably insecure & unforgiving?

Because based on what you've told us and which I believe,

HE did NOT do much of the "normal" healing after an affair behaviors. So NO, this cannot be your problem of re-hashing the past and you not getting past it.

This cannot be your fault b/c he never again made you feel safe.

HE DID NOT DO HIS part after HIS betrayal. Period.


If he's never been happy with me and I was so horrible then why didn't he just leave me and marry ow?

I wish I could click an unlove box and walk away from him emotionally. That text breaks my heart.

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. It's a brutal pain, but it's not eternal or fatal. And you have children who will someday have broken hearts & setbacks of their own, & will look to you for how to get thru it. And you will have some answers.

Believe me when I say this:

There will be a day when you are so sick & tired of feeling sick & tired, that you will turn a corner.

You will detach when you GAL for real, and move forward in your life, taking charge of it fully.
Having a Positive Mental Attitude is huge "PMA" and btw, there are 2 great TED Talk videos on youtube about how to get a PMA. One is by Amy Cuddy & the other is Shawn Achor and they are about positive psychology and there's a lot of data about how we can "fake it" til we BECOME it. I know professionals who claim to use parts of it in their business negotiations. (Those videos literally make me happy to watch them and they're only about 20 min each. I highly recommend them.)

ANYHOW...

Here's a true story to illustrate why you must NOT take his words personally...

When I first got out of law school, I worked in the big city. I took the subway. There was a homeless man who lived near the subway stop, on one of those heating grates/grills.

Anyhow, this homeless "grill" man hated me. Truly, he'd leap up whenever he saw me and he'd yell at full volume, incredibly gross vulgarities. (Weird ones, too). Super creepy.
I suppose I reminded him of someone he disliked b/c he really truly seemed to target ME....and btw, I was about 26, & looking about as good as I ever did, which is to say, truthfully, I looked good. As superficial as it sounds, his detesting me was baffling.
The guy would point me out and berate me!

I was young & very concerned about my "lawyerly appearance" and being professional, etc. So I would look at my clothes (I always wore boring/professional suits, carried the leather briefcase, you know, the whole deal about looking the part, etc) and hair, my glasses, shoes, "too much make up??"

I used to wonder what I had done or who I looked like, to "make him so upset". I literally wondered about what behaviors I had done to "make him mad"... !!

One day at lunch I was outside with my boss & we saw the homeless guy. I kid you NOT, the grill man began screaming at me again!

So my boss (a truly nice guy) saw my discomfort.
He made a joke about how the guy must be my "old boyfriend & how I'd broken his heart, etc" and it hit me then how silly (and neurotic) it was of ME, for taking any responsibility for "making" an insane man's behavior, MY problem! I mean, wth?

What your boyfriend is saying to you about HIS choices...isn't so very different, is it?

I mean, it's annoying as he11. I get that. But again, this isn't really about YOU.

It's that he's a serial cheater, & an unrepentant one.

The bad news is that it does not bode well for your long term happiness with him.

The good news is that you are empowered with insight & the wonderful ability to change your life & future with your 3 blessed children. And we are all rooting for you.