First time posting. Waw and trying to repair

[Tyler12]

So I realized I totally dismissed her trying to get me to listen when she mentioned having rent money. I said that's fine it's your business and that was that. Then I realized she was looking for me to validate her feeling of excitement and nervousness. She came back later and said she is nervous. So I listened. She explaine she is nervous about the change and how hard it's going to be
Me: I understand it's a big change there is going to be a lot of differences.
W: it's going to be hard ( she is scared)
M: yes it will not be easy and .....
W: ( now angry at me). This is why I don't talk to you. It's gonna be hard! I'm looking for it will be ok
M: ( deep breath first). If I could have finished it will be hard and you have always been a strong smart woman that can get through the hard.
W: that would have been a better place to start instead of your therapist bs.
Me: i came here to listen not anger you by doing so
And I went to bed as did she.
I get she's angry and scared. And that doesn't bother me. What's bothering me is did i do or say something wrong? Should I have not been caring and supportive. Was I not? I realize this was R talk but she came to me. Wtf just happened.

[Tyler12]

She was trying to get me to just pat her on the back and tell her she will be ok! And I almost fell for it. I feel like I partially did maybe by saying too much

[sandi2]

I am just not in favor of the H validating his WW's feelings of nervous excitement about moving out and busting up their family. I may stand alone on this, but it just seems wrong. I mean, the thought of her sharing this with the man she is dumping is pretty cold and rude. I think he should handle it the same way he would if she was telling him she's moving in with OM. Why act like her BFF when she is all excited about leaving you? That's JMHO.

[Zephyr]

You are not alone with that sentiment sandi!

[Tyler12]

I am not approaching this right. I trying listen and show I care while changing myself into who who I know I should be. So to me that mean listening to what she had to say. Does the fact i didn't get drawn into a fight and didn't bawl and beg her not to move away at least mean I am stepping in the right direction? I just need to start having better choices as to what I talk about I guess

[Azzork]

I am not approaching this right. I trying listen and show I care while changing myself into who who I know I should be. So to me that mean listening to what she had to say. Does the fact i didn't get drawn into a fight and didn't bawl and beg her not to move away at least mean I am stepping in the right direction? I just need to start having better choices as to what I talk about I guess

She's feeling upset at work, shes having trouble with the kids, her car isnt working right, etc - good things to listen and validate about

She's having issues with OM, shes having doubts about moving out, etc - totally disrespectful to you to complain about. Leave that cr@p alone.

[Tyler12]

So unless it's positive R talk leave it alone

[Tyler12]

I mean yes talk about bad day. Not feeling well. Hates the snow. But unless it's a positive R talk don't engage. Like I have been thinking about is and maybe this isn't what is right. Engage. But I am scared to move out on my own. I say? I can see how it would be and change topic or walk away?

[Azzork]

So unless it's positive R talk leave it alone

I dont know about positive.

But why would you want to listen to her talk about OM? Why do you want to hear about how she is nervous and excited to leave you?

If she wants to talk about your relationship with her, then you can listen and validate. But thats not what it was yesterday.

[SciDad]

Tyler,

I haven't had to deal with my wife moving out or even suggesting it, but I agree with Sandi and Zephyr. My approach would not involve being a nice guy. It's a fine line to walk, but you don't want to come off cold or mean, either.

If she's excited, throw water on her (rhetorically speaking of course). Now if she's nervous about her decision, point out that the "hard times" in this case are all her doing. You are not forcing her out, she is choosing her own path. To me it's important for her to realize that it is her decision to make, that any hardships are because of her decisions, and that you are not trying to control her (ie, you are detached).

That's just my $0.02, and I'm interested to hear what others have to say