Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Now for today's update. I woke up feeling sad, lost, aimless, depressed. I accepted these feelings and didn't try to escape from them, but trusted that the feelings would change as the day continued. They did!

I ended up having a fantastic day at work. This week, I deeply connected to several people whom I work with for the first time. This whole M crisis has cracked me open emotionally, has made me a more empathetic person, and is having ripple effects in all of my other relationships. By the end of the day, I was feeling wonderful about myself, saw that I'm really a great person with amazing gifts to give the world, and that I have a solid life purpose that is fulfilled by my career. I have so much to be thankful for!

I haven't mentioned this before, but I am a manager for a software development team that creates a well known product. It is a high profile job which I am very good at. This is the main place where I have been GALing. Recently, I have been experimenting with introducing some progressive team-building activities that I am very passionate about.

Here's the gist of it: I have big visions of a new kind of workplace where people are happy, engaged, and have meaningful relationships with their co-workers where they don't just earn a paycheck, but can learn about themselves and experience real personal growth while making great products at the same time. This unconventional approach to management embraces the whole person as a vehicle for improved performance, instead of treating the workplace as a place where employees should hold to rigid ideas of what it means to be "professional". My heart and mind are unified in the belief that this will improve alignment, teamwork, morale, retention, and performance. I have been cultivating this vision for several years privately, without talking to anyone about it for fear that my ideas will be rejected as being too "out there". Only recently have I started gaining enough courage to actually voice these ideas and start making bold moves to introduce them in my team.

This week, I organized an alignment exercise in which all team members meet 1:1 with every other team member. The main point of this is to get to know each other better so that we can improve trust, communication, etc. I did this exercise with two of my reports earlier this week and both of them went amazingly well, blew away my expectations, and brought us much closer to really understanding each other.

Today I did this with our team's product manager and it was the most intense of all. I revealed to her the details of my vision for the first time. When I told her about my heroic hopes of making a huge difference in our workplace by showing people a better way, I got so emotional about it that I actually started crying. This was a first for me at work. I have always been afraid of showing my true self at work so this was a really big deal for me. With courage I broke through the shame and told her how much I love everyone I work with, how much I want to empower them with the freedom to be awesome and create a safe space for them to learn and discover themselves at work. She was moved by how much I cared and was very supportive of the ideas. She shared many kind and encouraging words with me and I now feel more aligned with her than ever. I have a new ally and friend at work, and I feel less alone! Free from the prison of my own fears that have always held me back at work, finally!

So here's a little secret. I want the same for everyone here on the DB forums. I love you all! If only I knew how, I would give this gift to the entire world. Some deep part of of me knows that the whole reason I came here to this planet was to do exactly this. I have no idea how I'm going to do it or who is going to join this cause with me, but I know I want to be part of some really big change that brings love into all the places where it is most needed in this cruel, selfish world. I want to be a hero and I humbly pray for guidance to show me how I can serve and make a real difference. If I can achieve this in my life, I know I'll die in peace when my days here are done. If I can achieve this, it will take away all my sorrows and it will make the tragedy of this situation with my W seem so small and insignificant.