Thanks for posting on my thread, I needed to hear that support. Its good to read you are taking control of your actions and getting the old you back. I think that is something I could do also.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I'm back. Between some work trips, the holidays, and an emergency surgery, I was out of commission for a while. Here is the latest update. We are still together at home, but I no longer exist in W's world in any way. There is no talking to her. If I try, she pretends to not hear it. If all 5 of us are at home, she puts 4 dinner plates on the table. I needed someone to pick me up from the hospital, she never offered or asked. I had to call a friend to get me. When I made it home from the hospital, she never spoke a word. Never asked how I was or what the Dr's said. I confirmed that she has consulted with a L, but has not filed. I also confirmed that there is no one else involved on her side. By all accounts, she just wants to be alone. More importantly, she just wants to get away from me. I know she hears me when I speak, so I remain cordial whether we are alone or with family. I do not expect a response in any way. We are both still seeing therapist separately. I've read through a million sitch's on here, and I've never seen a situation where the LBH is just ignored. WAW's are cold, unemotional and sometimes angry from what I see. My W has taken it to a new level. She obviously wants me away from her, so I get out and do things as much as possible to keep things from getting worse. She does little to nothing outside of work, so she is home often. So, should I continue to be cordial? It's only become worse over time, so maybe I shouldn't be? I don't know how to proceed with this. I still love her and do not want to get divorced. Thoughts??
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Somewhere there's a thread about the LBH that talks about being strong. I suspect cordial is not the right tack. Hopefully one of the vets will find you soon and give some good advice. Good luck, Free.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So, should I continue to be cordial? It's only become worse over time, so maybe I shouldn't be? I don't know how to proceed with this. I still love her and do not want to get divorced. Thoughts??
DO not move out of the house Do not be cordial or anything, step back and give her as much space as possible. I would say go dark, but being in the same house it is impossible so just get as close to that as possible.
Sometimes when you dont know what to do the best ACTION is to DO NOTHING. NOTHING is an ACTION and a choice.
Thanks cadet and nygal. I have no plans to move anywhere. By cordial, I mean a quick hello or good bye. No R talk ever. Other than the kitchen for meals, I do not stay in the same room as her. Since my return from the hospital last week, W is no longer in the bedroom with me. She sleeps on the couch now. I've been sleeping better since she is no longer in the same bed. It was awkward since BD and its better this way. I've worked on me, my issues, and GAL since BD. Towards the R, I feel like I've done NOTHING but give her space for a while now. Sometimes I need to remember that DB is for me, not my marriage. Looking back, I feel stronger now than at any point since BD. So, it is working. I do still break down (alone) when I think about it all.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Have you read Mutatio thread, He is dealing with a W that will not talk to him as well. They are also in the house together.
Have you made a plan? This is where I have trouble, I don't have a plan written down and I tend to waver and act on feelings. Stick to your plan and DBing.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I haven't read it all, but I'll start today. And for a plan, I've had them. Giving space, GAL, time with kids, etc. No R talks. None of this has worked towards helping my R. I know I need to keep no expectations, but I keep looking for something. Anything. Her walls are high and are getting higher. I keep reading that if something is not working, do something different. This is where I am stuck. There is only so much a person can take and faking it can only go so far. I consider just filing and ending it now, more to snap her out of it than actually wanting to do it. The thing is, I don't want what we have now either. Limbo $ucks. I struggle between hope and patience and losing the hope and just moving on with what is left of me. I'll get into mutatio's sitch now. Be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
I have the same problem of doing things expecting a result or change in my W. I know DBing is for you to lessen the pain and to make you a better man. I have trouble accepting this advise. Also I am sure you have read that since BD, your MR is over and to move forward to work on yourself, to reflect to see where you went wrong and fix the stuff you want to change in yourself. Changes that you can then take to a new MR be it with your W or someone else.
This is all advise I need to take myself. Everything I have been doing was for a change in my W, but that has been changing over time. A very small ways the changes have been for me more now. I see the wisdom of that.
Take the focus off of your W and what she does and focus on you Free. Let her go through what she need to go through and you work on you and your kids.
I think the more you read this and see that what your doing doesn't work , the more it makes sense that the changes are for you. You can do this.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Well, everything just changed. There is an OM. Just confirmed. Not sure if it's EA or PA, but it doesn't matter. It's someone she works with. I feel sick, angry, sad and lost. My first reaction is to confront her when she gets home and just end it. I've had enough. When does the bottom stop going lower?? I feel like I'm still falling and there is no bottom. Vise, I hear what you are saying and, in theory, it is correct. I just can't get myself there and focus on me yet. It was getting better, until now. In my mind, it has always been "us" over "me" since BD. I'm calling my L to file. Canceling her cell, credit cards, and car insurance. I just dropped the rope for good. I know I have my faults, and I am working hard on repairing them. But, I am not the monster she has made me out to be and I definitely didn't deserve this. I need a few minutes to sit and think. I'm going to drive for a while to collect my thoughts and not do anything stupid. Patience is at an all time low for me and any confidence I had just died with today's news. Again, any thoughts would be appreciated.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
