Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[Zues126]

IP, it's been too long since I posted on your thread.

I just posted on Rain's about texting/emailing. You SHOULD be hard on yourself about this. You control it. Hold out your hand. (harmless slap) Stop it. There. Now cut it out

OK, on to the next:

How can I contemplate R with a person who is prepared to do that to his kids?

You will feel this way a lot. More as you lose hope in R, and you start getting angrier about the pain you're in. Don't listen to these thoughts. I know you won't. Just a reminder in advance. Most people go through a phase of diagnosing their WAS. You might too. Just don't stay there. MLC links are helpful for a moment, but not if they take the focus off of what you can control...YOU.

You did well to not send the letter though. Still, it was therapeutic, and if you reread it you will see where you need to work on you:

H, I have made no secret of the fact that I am devastated to have lost you and that I would like to build a better M with you. I do not believe that D is the answer to our problems, I feel it will create more problems in both of our lives and in the lives of our children, but I also know that it is not a choice that I can make. The time has come for me to prove my love for you by letting you go. By respecting your decision to D.

Correct, you've made your position clear. If the purpose of this paragraph is to communicate your love and let him go, do so by actions and don't say this. Telling him you love him and will let him go is actually clinging to him. Letting him go and not sending this is letting him go.

With that in mind I would like to say sorry. I am sorry that I have caused you so much unbearable pain that you feel that D is your only option. I understand now that I have must have caused you an immense amount of pain for you to feel that living the life you do now is preferable to working on a R with me. I also want to thank you. I know we've had an incredibly tough few years and I want to thank you for trying so hard to make it work and make me happy. I know I pushed you away repeatedly. Looking at it now in the cold light of day I don't have the foggiest idea why I pushed you away and reacted negatively to everything you tried. All I ever wanted was for it to work out and I know now that I've sabotaged that every step of the way. I was hurt and angry for a long time. I have read many times that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and only now do I realise what that means and the truth in it. I needed to forgive you so that I could be happy and in turn we could have been happy too. What a fool I've been. I will be eternally sorry for not forgiving until it was too late. I do forgive you whole heartedly. You are a loving, kind and generous and and I wish I had forgiven you sooner. I know it is of little consolation but what I have done was done subconsciously and made me just as miserable as it has made you.

I truly feel your emotions and am touched by them. From a WAH perspective, however, this is controlling. It is further not respecting his wishes to be free of you. You'd be trying to stay emotionally attached, sharing feelings, staying close, sharing your point of view, trying to get him to share his with you. He would feel that your forgiveness and an apology is a manipulation to try to get one in exchange. Most of all, he would see you as trying to prove you can change in an effort to convince him to come work on the marriage, in other words all attempts at control for you to get what you want...the very problem that drove him away!

I do not blame you for wanting out. You've tried and tried and now I must respect that you cannot try anymore.

The funny part is they assume you don't blame them. They assume it's obvious you two just can't be compatible, and that you will agree with them. They can't even comprehend you don't see it the same, because it threatens them (see my opening post on Julie H's battle of the sexes thread).

I know I haven't always shown it but I loved you the whole way through this nightmare and all I ever wanted was your loving arms to hold me whilst at the same time pushing them away because of hurt, pride and stubbornness. It seems so stupid and crazy now. Never did I think we wouldn't work it out. I always thought we would get there in the end and even now I cannot imagine my old age with anyone but you or our family any way but four of us.

I am truly sorry for causing so much pain and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve.

Pretty much more of the same.


Again, it's a beautiful and touching letter, clearly stating your feelings and point of view. Only problem being is he doesn't want your feelings or point of view, or you trying to demonstrate how things would be different and you could make him happy if he does what you want.

I will admit, I have a letter I wrote that DB asked me: Why can't you EVER EVER send that? And she wouldn't let me change the subject until I had given her all the answers I just gave you.

So nice letter, good job not sending it...now really let that sink in. Please follow my email/text advice to Rain. And feel free to post tough text messages to reply to here.

Keep posting and trust that your 90 days of hell are moving by!