WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[NateG79]

I don't have any suggestions, but I feel for you.

[SciDad]

I'm so sorry trumpet.

I wish I had great insights, but I think all you can do is talk with your lawyer.

[G8r]

I feel your pain Trumpet. My W said if she doesn't file tomorrow, she will next week. She has appointment with L tomorrow.

[JGuy]

Hey Trumpet, I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this.

You may not be able to change her choice, but you can always change your choice about how to look at it. IMO, your W is taking the hardest possible path to learn what she must inevitably learn. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for not being a good enough DBer! The fact that you are even here in the first place, giving it your best shot, is above and beyond.

[PigPen]

Sending you strength Trumpet. All you can do is grieve, let her do her thing, and then work on healing yourself.

I spent a full night on the bathroom floor when my wife filed. And that was after months of being "detached". Let it hurt, let that hurt flow right through you, then just take some time my friend.

Men especially latch on to a plan of action, but don't give ourselves a bit of time to just be in pain and breathe. As someone coming off of an addiction you know this. There is no quick fix for the pain that you're in and the pain that you still have to go through. I'm not trying to be a downer here, just being honest.

Know that every day is one day further in your recovery from the pain of this situation. You've conquered a lot of demons it sounds like so you know no matter how bad this gets, you'll handle it with the same grace. I have nothing but faith that you're going to take some lumps moving forward, but those very lumps are what is going to eventually change you in ways that you can't imagine right now.

You're a man of faith and a man of family, those are two righteous ways to walk in the world Trumpet, hold your head high and your heart open.

Sending you strength and respect,

PP

[Mowgli]

So, so sorry, bud.

Hang in there and remember that it's all just paper. keep doing what you need to do for yourself and your kids. Filing doesn't mean it's over.

I always said that I thought my W would have to file and go through the whole process before she really understood what she was giving up.

Let her burn it down. You get to decide when you're done DBing, not a piece of paper.

Keep us in the loop, buddy!

[SciDad]

How's it going, Nate? We're here for you

[NateG79]

I'm just fine. I started a new thread a couple pages back if you wanna catch up on things

[gs9]

Hey Trumpet,
Feeling for ya.
I've been there. Eventually what I was able to realize is that I was no longer in the same limbo I had been in for a while. I realized the D paperwork is only a business transaction and for my WXW she had actually left me when she started her A, then she left me again when I confronted her and she should no remorse, then she left me again when she chose to maintain the A over working on our M, then she left me again when she started her second A...... there were dozens of other interactions where she left the M. Too many to list. If this is the path she chose then you just have to focus on being the best Trumpet you can be. You can not control her choices nor would you want the burden of it.
If R is in your future then she is going to have to burn right down to ashes. She's going to have to feel the pain of life without Trumpet. Be Awesome! Do not be her H. She will need to struggle on her own. It's hard to watch but get out of God's way. She will need to feel the consequences of her decisions.

[trumpet]

I have to say this board, and it's memebers, and the DR book have made the difference in how I approached my marriage.

I say that because of what happened this morning.

As usual, my wife went to work out at 5am, I got up at 6 or so, and the kids were up, and the W back. I felt like it was time, so I walked into the bathroom after getting kids off to the bus, and let her know that we'd need to start working on division of assets and a child placement plan. I did this calmly, behind the bathroom door, so D7 didn't hear. She mentioned I left her no choice. I told her there are lots of choices, she choose the nuclear option, and that I still don't believe in divorce, and that I'd be fine getting through the process. I then left.

Downstairs, making lunch for D7, W somehow was nice to me. In fact, D7 brought up mom working out, and somehow I was asked something, and made a comment that all her efforts are paying off with her weight loss, and that she's doing very well at it. She then asked if she could take 'my' yogurt, to which I said half of the flavors I bought for her - key lime is her favorite.

You see, I detached. The morning after my wife files, I'm cool, calm, and collected. I'm nice to her. I give her a compliment. And by the time she left, she was crying, and literally looked defeated, in shock almost.

I was exhausted from my lack of sleep... texted a friend, and fell asleep for 3 hours on the couch - today is my day off. I woke up, and started to get ready to walk on the treadmill when my wife calls from work - very strange.

She calls to tell me she has called off the notice to serve. That she's having second thoughts, and that she wants to give us 60 days, the full window, before she serves me. I said OK, and left it at that.

We did talk, for two hours. I validated, she cried, said she's cutting OM off, that her marriage and her children were more important. I left some boundaries for her to consider - I will not be in an open marriage, that NC must be something she will live with, and that she must see a counselor for her issues. I let her know I'm ok with the marrige burning to the ground.

She was alarmed on the phone that I wasn't doing cartwheels. That I sounded disappointed that I wasn't served. I made mention that I'm happy about not moving forward, but that if she's just delaying to eventually have me served, that it would be more punishment, and that would not be something I'd enjoy. To use the time to figure out what she wants.

She asked - will you ever love me again? Ugh. I said I do love you, but the marriage we had is OVER. I now know what I want in a marriage, and what it was, I will not go back to.

I did reassure her I wouldn't date while we're still married, and that she should take this time, like I am, to focus on fixing herself. If she gets help and works towards loving herself, we'd be able to build something better than before. Until that happens, I'll be doing my own thing.

She texted me later for our first counselor's number. I take that as a good first sign that she's realizing her fantasy cannot go on any longer.

I will continue to Divorce Bust. My work is not yet done - it has just begun.

Still thinking of taking a trip next week or the week after. Maybe skiing in Duluth, MN, or maybe heading to Canton to see the football hall of fame... maybe Kansas City for a day or two. Don't know - just know I need time to myself right now.