Quote: Ok, now I see the real truth... poor H! BUT!!! What about the difference in drives? Can we EVER get to a point where we are both happy? Seems he would give up eating/sleeping for it, and I just don't put it in that category... yet! How do we get to the point where we can both feel good about this?
Well, I'm speaking from the HD perspective, and as someone who has not succeeded yet. But for what it's worth, I'm probably an archetypical HD married guy. In our very early marriage, we had sex a lot, enough to make it hard to keep up with the rest of life. It was fun ;-> I'm not asking for that. We went through periods where we were having sex say, once a week. That was enough for me to feel close, to feel that there wasn't this big barrier between us, and to understand that with our busy schedules, and the differences between us, of course we aren't having sex all the time.
Then we went to once a month, and it dropped off to a couple of times a year, once a year, not every year, not once during the last six years. Even when everything else is going well in the marriage, there's this big barrier, there's a elephant in the room, and I can't not care about it. I feel rejected and pushed away all the time, even when she's really not rejecting me in other ways, and she's working hard to include me in her life and be loving to me.
There's some frequency that is clearly too much for both of you. Say, every five minutes, 24 hours a day. There's some frequency that is clearly not enough for him, and maybe not for you either. Say once every five years. Then there's some frequency where he's not going to feel like there's a big barrier, and some frequency where he's going to feel really close. When we were at once or twice a week, I was in that range. Your mileage may vary. And I think it makes a big difference what you are doing in between having sex. If you have a fight, he's going to feel a barrier. If you constantly remind him of your love (and he should do the same!) then that ties in to the sex you are having, and less frequently may be OK.
Also, for me the *reason* we're not having sex makes a big difference. Back when we had a sex life, if I was on a business trip for 6 weeks, or she had just had a baby, I felt the physical side of sexual frustration, but it wasn't a barrier between us. And I knew it wasn't permanent.
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Seems he would give up eating/sleeping for it, and I just don't put it in that category... yet!
If you order a pizza, it doesn't take that much time to wolf it down and get back to business ;->
But clearly, the rest of your life needs to work too. Kids need to be taken care of, people need to go to work, bills need to be paid. In our lives, I can't imagine finding time for sex every night (it would be great, though!).
Quote: Is there a way to do it where he feels like I'm still hot for him, just need sleep more!!!
You don't have to feel hot for him 24 hours a day. I sleep from 10:30 to 6:00 every night, and that's scheduled right in. Other activities happen at other times. There are free times where we don't fix what is going to happen, and other times where we schedule things in. You can have sex either way - there's no law against scheduling it, but spontanaeity is nice too. If I were your hubby, I would like having some idea knowing when it's OK for me to initiate. (Well, my wife has answered the question, but she said "never", and I'd prefer a different answer.)
How do we get to the point where we can both feel good about this?
