Here I am still

[Zues126]

You're here, you're challenging yourself, you're making it a priority, you're being deliberate with your decisions, and you're trying to be the best you can be. You have no reason to be ashamed or to feel bad for being imperfect. I am just as flawed. I'm just glad you're posting regularly and taking it seriously. I don't generally do the pep talk thing because I have found it doesn't really work for a number of reasons. But I do appreciate that you realize me being here is a sign of respect for your being here.

Dear Zues, I hear you - and I know I need to really hear this. Most of the time I *can* see past it, but there are moments when it feels like he (and you) don't think my feelings matter at all. That none of this matters & it should just be dismissed. I also know that is not what is intended (right?)............You are right - I *have* to stop sharing my feelings. But...but...they don't go away. Will they be ignored forever? It feels like I've been stuffing them for nearly a year, though they do come out...

My DB Coach told me once: "Now is not the time for you to voice your feelings, needs, views, etc. That will be possible when spouse is committed to working on the marriage. But right now isn't the time. Make no mistake, suppressing your voice isn't creating a model of how a new marriage might work. It is simply allowing the opportunity to give the new marriage a chance."

What I can tell you is that it is a long and difficult road. XW kicked me out 18 months ago. She has not once, not one single time, shown interest in my point of view. The times we have talked she has spewed at me with her narrative. No interest in how I feel about that, or what I might be thinking or feeling. If you read my post on my thread a few days ago you'll see that continues. And you know what? I still haven't wavered once on showing those feelings unsolicited. I am not interested in sharing my feelings with someone that doesn't want to know, and doesn't care, and will only fight about it because they are clinging so hard to their own narrative. It's her journey, she can think what she wants. If the day ever came where she was interested in what I thought, well, then I'd evaluate who she was and determine if I was willing to have that conversation. But I am not holding my breath. The imaginary conversations I used to have with her died off a number of months ago for the most part.

So I'm not suggesting your feelings don't matter. They just don't matter to him. This isn't because he doesn't love you. It's because he feels his feelings don't matter to you. The trick is to show him they do. You don't do that by telling him 'you're feelings matter to me' and then getting angry everytime he feels differently about something than you do, blaming him, judging him, and praying for his salvation...that proves his point. You do that by getting yourself to a place where you can actually hear and respect his point of view, and treat them to equal as your own.

It's ok that you're not there. There's a lot of pain and adversity to sort through. Just know this is the right direction. I posted something on Julie's "Battle of the Sexes" thread, third post on the first page. It talks about perspective, faith, etc. Check it out.

Again, I have confessed my part in this - that I did all those things you've said and more. I seek every day to recognize it (though sometimes it is so hard!) and repent of it. I don't see it as *everything* is his fault.

Good. Keep doing it. This is a daily ritual. It took me a LONG time to get there. Partly because I would resist doing it because it was so easy to focus on XW's affairs and alcoholism. But it's up to you if you want to get there in a few months, a few years after your marriage is over, or never. SO keep making this your priority and stay disciplined.

I do think it explains a lot of things but, I think as you said before, I can separate him from his sins (that was really helpful in clarifying things).

Don't keep score. I assure you that if you asked him the sins you've committed are greater and the explanation for a lot of things is with you.

I want him to be the person he *is* AND the man God intends him to be - whatever that IS.

If you can pray for him from a place of love then that's ok. It's a very slippery slope, however, for those prayers to start including judgment. I'd like you to pray for him, but if it was a choice between praying from a attached and judgmental place versus not praying at all and leaving this between him and his creator I'd prefer the latter.

Yes, he has been "abusive" for our entire marriage - but I've tried to let go of any resentment about that since realizing and repenting of many things.

FWIW, based on some of your words, I have been trying to approach him physically - it's a least something I won't completely screw up...
I have no idea what it means to him...in some ways it feels like I'm just being used, but I know I have to see past all that and hope for the best. What do you think? (asking because I appreciate & respect what you say)

And finally the crux of it. I still think there is one critically important question to answer: Can you remain married to a man that intends to continue to use porn. See, really there are four answers:

1) Yes. It won't be easy, but yes.
2) No. Porn is an affair, if he won't end it I am out.
3) I am not sure. I need some time to soul search.
4) No. So I will remain married and try my best to change his behavior.

Personally I am of the camp of #1. I am not a porn supporter, but I don't believe in ending a marriage unless there is a physical threat or continued adultery (which I define as sex with another person). I think there are many addictions out there. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, smoking, workoholism, overeating, video games, facebook, etc. Many people find themselves medicating at one time or another. Some pull out of it. Some don't. But if all of these were reasons to divorce the divorce rate would be unbelievable. Oh, wait, it is. I think it's wrong to divorce for these reasons. If you can get behind this, then work on accepting it, letting it go, not taking it personally, and being the wife he deserves. Maybe someday he addresses this issue. Maybe not. That can't be the goal. The goal must be to appreciate the opportunity to support and love a great man (just because he uses porn doesn't mean he's not!) and to appreciate the love he does show you. Many, if not all, great marriages involve BOTH parties making this type of sacrifice. I say this because as I've said, there are things he'd feel he is accepting as well!

If you are in the #2 camp, then treat this like a wayward spouse situation. Tell him Porn is cheating, you're not going to live in an open marriage, and then back off, create boundaries, and start separating yourself emotionally and determine if you need to separate physically and legally (over a little time).

If you're in camp #3 then slow down, take some time, pray, and let the marriage sit for a bit. Detach. GAL. Take care of yourself. Work on yourself. Don't do this to hope he changes. Do it and use the time to listen to God's voice.

The ONLY answer I truly have a problem with is number 4. It isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to you. It will result in a destructive cycle of co-dependency, resentment, abuse, controlling behavior, avoidance, secrets, blaming, push/pulling, and just insanity.

The reason this is so important is because you can't flip flop around. If you can accept a porn habit as an imperfection from a husband that is a great man and might be a good husband again if your marriage improves, then by all means I think you should have sex with your husband (unless he's in an active affair). But if you aren't prepared to live with porn in your life then confronting him about his porn use one day and sleeping with him the next is sending him very inconsistent messages. Just realize as I said that not being sexual with him won't help the marriage (and he will probably turn to it more to meet his needs).

So let me ask you a question. If your best friend's husband had a gambling addiction that was creating financial stress and causing her a lot of emotional pain...would you advise her to stay by her man, or that she deserves better?

Funny story, I have a pool playing friend who's W is an addicted gambler. She has been fired for stealing. She has lost their retirement. She has put them back to square one. She has destroyed a lot of goodwill in the marriage. ALL of his friends say he should file D...but he hasn't. He has basically told me that he is prepared to stay with her forever. He's tried to support her on her journey when she goes to outpatient treatment, or when she tries to restart the 'days without gambling', and he tries to help her replace that with other things. But when she backslides and says she'll never overcome it, he hugs her and tells her that he's not leaving her ever, and that he loves her with or without the gambling, and that while he doesn't care for it he loves her more, and that when he is rooting for her not to gamble it is only when that aligns with her journey to quit, when she stumbles he immediately shows compassion and not an ounce of disappointment. He's prepared to accept the consequences because he believes this is the best road. And you know what? In a world where everyone files D because fill in the blank imperfection, I am the one friend of his that tells him he's an inspiration and the best person I know.