WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

I did one last-ditch effort to tell her what she was doing was wrong, and that she might be in a MLC, so that I can say I told her she needs to stop. Throwing any more in her face is SOOO counter-productive. I'm going dark.

I'm not going to ask our pastor to do any more poking around - if he chooses to care enough about my W to ask her, he comes from a place that wants to see her repent and move away from what she's doing. He's a very good man, and wouldn't be intending to burn any bridges for me or for her. I can see how she'll react very negatively, since she was the one who asked to see him in the first place, and he told her what she's doing is wrong. Someone has to point out her errors, as a witness. Once a person hears that, they have a choice. My W is choosing to ignore the hurt she's causing, and move forward with the EA and the Divorce. She sees, right now, that the D is the only way to stop her deep pain. It's her perspective, and her world is right. She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and her desire to win at all costs has hurt her in the past. She never enjoyed playing board games or put-put golf with me, lol.

It all has to burn down to the ground, I think. I'm pretty sure that's what it will take now. I cry for my kids now - I cry for the hurt they're going to go through. I can handle the pain - I'm a big boy, and I'll find HEALTHY ways to express that pain, and get support from people that love and care about me. My kids don't have the coping mechanisms, so I'm trying to lay a foundation that they can talk to me ANYTIME, and express ANY emotions to me. They need to find outlets... I want to see those outlets start, so that I can head off bad avenues they might explore, and keep them from causing more pain for themselves. Middle school is a very tough age, and lots of permanent scars in my psyche were formed in those years.

She's never been able to effectively see and work on her emotional side - she's got a very tough outer shell, with lots of sarcasm and can be passive-aggressive, which actually is a strength working with type-A lawyers all day long... it's been a strength of her in her job.

In counseling, she mentioned one of my big strengths is my emotions, and my sensitivity. I think she mentioned it because she realizes she's lacking. I do think her sexual molestation one time when she was a kid, and her getting raped in college has led to her being sexually and emotionally unavailable, and for her, it's a pure defensive play, and one she's not willing to work on - why? She'd have to be vulnerable, and probably have to deal with the violations on the deepest level, something she's never wanted to do.

Just my thoughts on it - maybe I'm wrong. I've explained this to her in other words in the past, but she always thought I was trying to 'hurt' her, or by talking about it, I was trying to 'get in her pants'.... ugh.

[trumpet]

Not dealing with your past, and doing the tough discussions early on in dating and marriage, can lead to huge house-sized spaghetti-ball messes.

My counseling has really helped to get a framework for what happened in the past for me personally. I know MWD and divorce-busting doesn't have a huge need for looking into the past - the house is on fire - get a hose! But right now, I'm in LRT, and knowing a few of the 'whys' puts a framework around it for me. People behave for reasons - even a WW who is out to lunch. My wife is hurt and scared. She has chosen to shut down her logical brain, and only engage the fight-and-flight brain, along with her feeding the beast - the emotional desire to be wanted and loved.

[trumpet]

As soon as I got home last night, the attack was on. In front of the kids, lots of cutting words. She started to make fun of me, and offered the food I was making for myself to the kids. I was fine with it.

I actually started laughing, her verbal attempts to hurt me are coming off like a 9 year old. I shouldn't have laughed... but I couldn't stop myself. I did fan the flames a bit with that, but her actions are just SOOOO absurd right now. I recognize now that she's so conflicted inside that she's lashing out, thinking I can somehow help her by interacting, even at an anger level. I choose to not participate.

I did bring home some papers on divorce in the state of WI - she saw me bring them home, and ripped them out of my hand in the basement - thank God the kids weren't around. I said nothing. Just got the papers back, and continued making supper.

I left last night for a couple hours, got a coffee, talked to my brother - he's been my rock through this, and being a cop on 3rd shift for 10 years, dealt with sitch like mine all the time. He has great advice, and supports the tactics in divorce remedy. I came home at 9PM and kissed the kids goodnight, and didn't say a word to the wife. She didn't start a conversation, which I was happy about.

I grabbed all my self-help books, divorce remedy, papers, and my laptop, and now carry them to work with me. Still have scratches on my arm from a couple nights ago from her - but it's not a big deal. I hope I don't get any more - staying away from her as much as possible.

I'm beginning to think that even if she doesn't file this week, that there is a part of me now that wants out. I'm not going to burn the marriage bridge, but she communicates so poorly in our relationship, and is dealing with so much that she's never faced head-on, that she's going to have to burn down to nothing and rebuild, both her and the marriage.

I keep on thinking it's wrong to think like that, but I've detached enough, and losing/lost my addiction to porn, I now realize what I need in a marriage, what I need in a wife, to make me happy, and what I need to do to make a spouse happy.

I can only work on what I can control, and that's myself. My emotions no longer control me. Be a rock for my kids. Don't say anything negative about mom in front of the kids. Read Sandi's rules every morning. Read my Bible. Pray. Talk to my brother. Vent here a bit. Listen to others in my sitch - thanks to all who post!

My relationship with my kids is the best it's ever been.
I'm the healthiest I've been in 10 years.
I'm getting sleep - 7 hours a night.
And I'm back to talking with friends I neglected for years.
I'm disappointed my achilles hasn't healed very fast, but tendons typically take time. I have a sports medicine appt. that maybe will give me new info and some PT to get me back to running form. Hoping to do a 5K in March.

Starting a 2 hour weekly session with some other guys in a hidden addiction men's therapy - kind of like AA. 32 weeks. Sharing ideas, helping each other. I'm excited to go. It makes me laugh that I'm excited - who would want to go to AA? But it does, and I think it's healthy.

Very blessed and thankful for where I'm at. In the midst of the tempest, I have found peace.

[Mowgli]

Awesome work, Trumpet! Keep taking the high road!

[gs9]

That's right Trumpet! Take the high road.

As far as the physical violence......if I may give some personal experience.
My WXW also has a lot of anger. She has physically assaulted me on several occasions. I often just blew it off because I'm 6'4" 250 lbs athlete who still works out regularly and it is very unlikely she would ever be able to hurt me. However, I've realized it's a form of disrespect and I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected anymore. I addressed this with my DB coach along with my IC. They both said this is unacceptable and I have to create and maintain my boundaries. They recommended the next time I think she is going to get physical that I tell her I will call the police. But I have to be willing to follow through.
Well, not long after having these conversations with my DB coach and IC it happened. We were in the office. She started aggressively moving toward me. I had my phone and told her
"if you touch me I will call 911."
She backed off and laughed. She was then standing in the door way and I said "If you block me in this room I will call 911". She laughed again and walked off. The next day she asked me "would you have really called 911?" I said "Yes, I will no longer tolerate you hitting me, aggressively putting your hands on me or blocking me in rooms."
She said " You would be ok with the kids seeing the cops show up here, handcuff their mother and arrest me?"
I said "No, I am not ok with it but if you touch me again I will call 911 and that is what will happen"
she left the room. She has not been aggressive with me or blocked me in a room since.

Creating boundaries for yourself really does change the way people can interact with you

[ARose]

Trumpet, I just wanted to say I think you are doing a great job and keep up the pma and GAL. You are doing everything you can, taking care of yourself and owning your share of the problems. Also, I never thought of "blocking someone in the room" as abuse. My H used to do this all the time. I never thought of it that way. I did ask him to stop however, because since learning the art of STFU I realized I sometimes need to leave the room and I can not be blocked in. My d used to hit us, and her counselor told us to call 911 if she does it again, we agreed in front of her and it stopped her immediately. Its been over a year since she has acted out physically. Its a good thing too because she is now bigger than I am.

Anyway, thanks for sharing, and keep it up. I am glad to hear that you are doing a great job.

[gs9]

It doesn't always feel like I'm doing a great job. As a matter of fact most of the time I don't feel that way. I know it's just doubt creeping up on me.

"blocking in a room" is definitely abuse. It's a form of control or showing dominance over another individual. My WXW would stand in the door way with her hands against the frame and if I tried to leave the room she would tell me I better not touch her.

Much better solution to tell her in a very firm tone that I will call 911

[trumpet]

Not much to update, but I might as well.

A very good friend of mine from HS, went to college with as well, got married at the same time, used the same pastor!, has just informed me last month he and his wife filed for D. She found a bi-sexual 53 year old (she's 40), and decided that he's her soulmate. A sexual abuse in her teens came back in a flood of memories for her, and it's like a circuit blew in her brain, returning her to her youth. Acting like 19 years old, changed clothes, didn't want to be around the kids, and felt like she no longer wanted her life. So, a perfect MLC, right?

Him and I have been encouraging each other, since we have very similar beliefs, and that marriages can be saved. I've pointed him here, and he's pointed me in other great directions. He had a bad night, and I got to see my wife post a new FB pic, in which everyone asked "Wow, you look different", and her response is "I'm finally happy". PUKE. It's just WW script, so I know better, but it did make my feelings of anger a little more pronounced. Then I came back to these forums, read more, talked with my friend, and got in a better mood before I got home.

It's been 3 straight days of essentially no conversations. We did have a quick email about D14 who isn't doing a voluntary basketball practice with the HS fresh girl's team - too much crap going on at home, as my wife said.

My response - 'OK'.

We'll probably HAVE to talk tomorrow - we're running out of food in the house, and I usually go. I probably will go, but should I ask her what she wants?

The lonely hasn't set in yet. I'm a little surprised. I'm back to thinking we can save the marriage, but only with my wife really getting some therapy and help. For too long our relationship was expressed with my wife saying she was unhappy, and that I was ok with everything. That's changed, and I now see I was playing video games, staying late at work, being a couch potato, looking at porn to dull the pain that I was feeling inside. I was so into trying to read my wife, and her constant bitterness, and trying to figure out HER.

It's not my job. My job is to make sure my homefire is stoked and going strong.

No papers served yet. No response from wife, but I didn't expect it yet. She's on the EA high - way high - she made the choice, and it was her new man, not me. The church thing is going to really bother her, as days move on.

How do you tell someone, teach someone, to love themselves? You don't, but does she have to hit rock bottom to start the process?

She's not suicidal, and on anxiety meds, so I don't think she could get too depressed, but she is now working out 6 days a week, and has lost weight, trying to most likely get the rush of the endorphines going, as well as look better for her affair partner, as well as to escape a bit. It's the one thing I'm actually completely on board with... just can't tell her anymore.

I get the urge to talk to her. I also have the urge to be passive-aggressive with her, which is how we communicated our feelings in the past.

I have resisted that urge for 3 days.

Gotta get this achilles fixed - pissed that I cannot run anymore. I might join the planet fitness down the road, $10/mo, just so I could get some bike cardio in, and maybe some weights.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to rewire your brain? Asking for a friend.

[NateG79]

Join the Marines :), they'll re-wire it for you.

[trumpet]

Well, I got put into a bit of an orbit tonight. The wife filed the D paperwork today - found it online here in WI.

Ugh. Now I have to call the lawyer in the morning.

Any suggestions from those in my sitch?